Can’t Decide About Third Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Can't decide" means no.

+10000

[Anonymous]

We have three boys. Best decision ever to go with three. We can't afford private school for all three but this was absolutely the best decision.

[Anonymous]

How are you finances and stress level?

If you have more bandwidth on both, go for it. If you don't, definitely do not go for it.

[Anonymous]

We were on the fence and decided not to. Best decision for us. My boys are older now and we are enjoying this different phase. I have a friend who went in another direction and had the third and she is very happy with her decision but I watch her and it reaffirms my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

Speaking as someone in the golden years of elementary school. Just wait until puberty.

DP with kids who are 10, 8, and 5: you know that COVID has really stolen our "golden years of elementary," right? I get that I don't have teens, either, but our school has been pretty clear that the level of emotional upset they're seeing in many kids is pandemic-related. It sucks.

NP - covid sucks for all of us. I have elementary, middle and teen. By far the hardest hit in covid was my teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

Speaking as someone in the golden years of elementary school. Just wait until puberty.

DP with kids who are 10, 8, and 5: you know that COVID has really stolen our "golden years of elementary," right? I get that I don't have teens, either, but our school has been pretty clear that the level of emotional upset they're seeing in many kids is pandemic-related. It sucks.

NP - covid sucks for all of us. I have elementary, middle and teen. By far the hardest hit in covid was my teen.

Yeah--it does suck, and I'm sorry. I was specifically pointing out that years that are supposed to be less turbulent, i.e., elementary, no longer are due to the pandemic. Not that we have it worse, only that what could previously be counted on to be a little calmer, isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Can't decide" means no.

+10000

Eh we hesitated for awhile and then went for it. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

Speaking as someone in the golden years of elementary school. Just wait until puberty.

DP with kids who are 10, 8, and 5: you know that COVID has really stolen our "golden years of elementary," right? I get that I don't have teens, either, but our school has been pretty clear that the level of emotional upset they're seeing in many kids is pandemic-related. It sucks.

NP - covid sucks for all of us. I have elementary, middle and teen. By far the hardest hit in covid was my teen.

Yeah--it does suck, and I'm sorry. I was specifically pointing out that years that are supposed to be less turbulent, i.e., elementary, no longer are due to the pandemic. Not that we have it worse, only that what could previously be counted on to be a little calmer, isn't.

That makes sense, thank you.

As for the visiting family - yes travel is harder as a family of five. We usually have to book two hotel rooms when we travel, and in Europe with the smaller cars, sometimes even two Ubers.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43 and it's too late for me but if love a third! We book two hotel rooms anyway and life is busy anyway. A third would be marginally more difficult for a decade but I doubt anyone looks back at the end and says "if only I'd had fewer children, my life would have been richer."

It sounds like you both have some fears/worries - see if you can address those by rearranging some of your current setup and perhaps you'll be closer to the answer.

[Anonymous]

I think anyone who is reading this thread who is an adult third child should weigh in here to help the OP.

I am the third and last of all girls. No, my parents should not have just "gone for it" and hoped for the best. My arrival ushered in a lifetime of significant, chronic stress-related health problems for my now deceased (at 72) father. He worked all the time, he had at least one affair and my mother was unable to develop a career. I know I am the elephant in the room in that family. I know deep in my bones that had I never been born, my parents would have been free from financial stress and stress-created health problems. My older sisters would have had the attention and resources they needed. It sucks for everyone but it sucks even more to be the one family member who was brought into existence and therefore ruined it for everyone.

In any case, if you end up having a third, please attend to your mental health and any unanticipated resentment that may arise---young people internalize that sort of thing and they may spend a lifetime hypervigilantly searching for cues from others that they are a burden. I am mostly okay in mid-life, but I think the takeaway is that kids feel their parents' stress and draw conclusions about their worth.

To be clear, I'm still glad I was born!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were on the fence and decided not to. Best decision for us. My boys are older now and we are enjoying this different phase. I have a friend who went in another direction and had the third and she is very happy with her decision but I watch her and it reaffirms my decision.

Same. We also have 2 boys who are older now (as in not babies or toddlers, they are 10 and 8).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is reading this thread who is an adult third child should weigh in here to help the OP.

I am the third and last of all girls. No, my parents should not have just "gone for it" and hoped for the best. My arrival ushered in a lifetime of significant, chronic stress-related health problems for my now deceased (at 72) father. He worked all the time, he had at least one affair and my mother was unable to develop a career. I know I am the elephant in the room in that family. I know deep in my bones that had I never been born, my parents would have been free from financial stress and stress-created health problems. My older sisters would have had the attention and resources they needed. It sucks for everyone but it sucks even more to be the one family member who was brought into existence and therefore ruined it for everyone.

In any case, if you end up having a third, please attend to your mental health and any unanticipated resentment that may arise---young people internalize that sort of thing and they may spend a lifetime hypervigilantly searching for cues from others that they are a burden. I am mostly okay in mid-life, but I think the takeaway is that kids feel their parents' stress and draw conclusions about their worth.

To be clear, I'm still glad I was born!

Third child here. I was the “easiest” of the the three of us, but god help my parents if I had not been. Their lives would have been miserable. I think the thing it engendered in me was always feeling like I had to be flexible and helpful and responsible, seeing the strain my siblings put on my parents. I felt the need to never add to that. That’s not always resulted in the best things for me in adolescence and young adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know that had a third either got divorced or camd close. It puts a lot of pressure on a relationship.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is reading this thread who is an adult third child should weigh in here to help the OP.

I am the third and last of all girls. No, my parents should not have just "gone for it" and hoped for the best. My arrival ushered in a lifetime of significant, chronic stress-related health problems for my now deceased (at 72) father. He worked all the time, he had at least one affair and my mother was unable to develop a career. I know I am the elephant in the room in that family. I know deep in my bones that had I never been born, my parents would have been free from financial stress and stress-created health problems. My older sisters would have had the attention and resources they needed. It sucks for everyone but it sucks even more to be the one family member who was brought into existence and therefore ruined it for everyone.

In any case, if you end up having a third, please attend to your mental health and any unanticipated resentment that may arise---young people internalize that sort of thing and they may spend a lifetime hypervigilantly searching for cues from others that they are a burden. I am mostly okay in mid-life, but I think the takeaway is that kids feel their parents' stress and draw conclusions about their worth.

To be clear, I'm still glad I was born!

Third child here. I was the “easiest” of the the three of us, but god help my parents if I had not been. Their lives would have been miserable. I think the thing it engendered in me was always feeling like I had to be flexible and helpful and responsible, seeing the strain my siblings put on my parents. I felt the need to never add to that. That’s not always resulted in the best things for me in adolescence and young adulthood.

I’m a third and definitely a bit of a spoiled youngest — but there’s a big gap between my two older sisters so we always had somewhat wonky family dynamics. Which is to say OP: don’t worry about having your three (if you go for a third) super close in age. Good sibling relationships really don’t depend on that. But do make sure you have the patience and emotional bandwidth to handle three. I get your waffling though. I should be done at two but I’m finding it hard to pass on the outgrown baby clothes…

[Anonymous]

Yes, but try to time it so the oldest one is in kindergarten when the baby is born.