Am I overreacting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

Sweetie, no one cares.
No one.

Take it in again: no. One.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, DCUM is a fickle beast. If OP had posted asking if she needed to go to her MIL's funeral, people would be screeching, NO, don't go, she's just your MIL.

Instead here is a family that is completely unrelated to OP's mother, that got themselves all to the funeral. They didn't come kicking and screaming. They came to stand up for OP and to support her and OP's husband. They didn't need to be there and NO ONE, well, no normal person, would have faulted them for not being there because, again, none of them are related to OP's mom. Then you consider that there were enough of them together that they took a picture. Not in the middle of the funeral and with enough discretion that OP didn't even know it was happening.

This family deserves huge props for showing up. They didn't have to be there but they were. They don't deserve OP acting like a spoiled brat. If anyone has an apology to make it is OP for making a fuss about it. I get that she is grieving but that doesn't excuse OP.

What the actual F. What the F? How is OP acting like a “spoiled brat”? How TF did some of you never learn empathy? Jesus H on a palomino.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. My SIL has a long history of this kind of clueless behavior and my DH is afraid to rock the boat with her as it has caused major family rifts in the past and we have just gotten over a COVID-related family feud with her. He's going to say something to his mother. But in terms of the SIL, I'll probably just have to file it away as "extremely clueless and insensitive things people do." 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're wrong if you think your SIL is the one who is "clueless." It sounds like this family did everything right by getting to the funeral and reception, and you're the one who is letting her grief clouding her judgment. Some day you'll be far enough away from this to see that. Hopefully you won't do anything more to damage your relationship with your SIL.

SIL has entered the chat

It’s that dumb “sweetie” beast. Age has taught her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

Sweetie, no one cares.
No one.

Take it in again: no. One.

DP. LOL at you. YOU care. We know it because you keep sock puppeting this thread. When you stop then we'll all see that you don't. Grow up and get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You folks are very strange about death. In our large, Italian, Catholic family, weddings and wakes are the times we mostly get together, and to be honest the middle days of the wakes are fun. You see people you haven’t seen in ages, tell stories, catch up, and talk about planning that cousins club reunion that never really happens. As long as you’re not staging a photo in front of the casket or gravesite, it’s not a big deal. Twenty years from now, you're going to be happy to have large group pictures as you remember those who have gone and you start talking with your children and grandchildren about their family history and they want to know about them.

It’s perfectly fine to stick this picture in a closet for now if it’s hard for you. But it’s not a horrible offense.

I cannot believe this bears explaining, but: Weddings and funerals aren't the same at all. "Funerals are fun" has got to be a new one here. Maybe they're sort of a nice chance to reconnect if you're not close to the person. I'm willing to bet the person who lost a mom, dad, sibling, child, husband or wife isn't having tons of fun. Have you ever mourned someone close to you? If so, did you spend the time planning a "cousin club" (?) reunion.

There are lots of places to stage and then gift large family photos. A funeral just ain't one of 'em.

Maybe where you come from. But it’s not the distant cousins doing this - it’s everyone, especially when the deceased is older and has lived their life. We have bad luck around the holidays in our family, and everyone has the standing directive that if we die at the end of December, stick us in the morgue, everyone go about Christmas, and then hold the wake on the 27th and bury before New Years. We cry enough at home, and are glad for new conversation and seeing people for part of the day. We accept death as part of being alive, and it will be all of our turns one day.

Ok, so you'd gift a photo like this in front of a grieving person?
Maybe the mom died of COVID, painfully. Or by suicide. Or very young. Or violently. Not all death is happy.

DP. I lost 2 siblings and my father to suicide. I agree with the PP whose family can find solace and warmth at funeral events. Being about to reconnect to people, especially those we hadn't seen for a while, reaffirmed that life continues. Joy and fun CAN be found in such sorrowful times. Having some normality went a long way in helping us move beyond the tragedy we were immersed in.

I think those of us who have experienced profound loss, like a PP who buried a DH and 2 kids, may be able to recognize it more. It's certainly not a competition but having a lot more experience with it may make it easier for us to recognize and appreciate lightness whenever we can find it.

I would have had no problem with the gift OP's SIL handed out a Christmas. While the setting was for a sad occasion for me, it wasn't for them. They were there for me and good for them for putting the time to good use and getting a good picture. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

Sweetie, no one cares.
No one.

Take it in again: no. One.

DP. LOL at you. YOU care. We know it because you keep sock puppeting this thread. When you stop then we'll all see that you don't. Grow up and get a life.

PP. LOL back at you! Someone may be sock puppeting but it isn’t me. Who is pretending to be someone else? Never did that. That poster seems to think her view on grief is definitive or should be deferred to due to age. It isn’t. And for growing up, dear itch, heal thyself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You folks are very strange about death. In our large, Italian, Catholic family, weddings and wakes are the times we mostly get together, and to be honest the middle days of the wakes are fun. You see people you haven’t seen in ages, tell stories, catch up, and talk about planning that cousins club reunion that never really happens. As long as you’re not staging a photo in front of the casket or gravesite, it’s not a big deal. Twenty years from now, you're going to be happy to have large group pictures as you remember those who have gone and you start talking with your children and grandchildren about their family history and they want to know about them.

It’s perfectly fine to stick this picture in a closet for now if it’s hard for you. But it’s not a horrible offense.

I cannot believe this bears explaining, but: Weddings and funerals aren't the same at all. "Funerals are fun" has got to be a new one here. Maybe they're sort of a nice chance to reconnect if you're not close to the person. I'm willing to bet the person who lost a mom, dad, sibling, child, husband or wife isn't having tons of fun. Have you ever mourned someone close to you? If so, did you spend the time planning a "cousin club" (?) reunion.

There are lots of places to stage and then gift large family photos. A funeral just ain't one of 'em.

Maybe where you come from. But it’s not the distant cousins doing this - it’s everyone, especially when the deceased is older and has lived their life. We have bad luck around the holidays in our family, and everyone has the standing directive that if we die at the end of December, stick us in the morgue, everyone go about Christmas, and then hold the wake on the 27th and bury before New Years. We cry enough at home, and are glad for new conversation and seeing people for part of the day. We accept death as part of being alive, and it will be all of our turns one day.

Ok, so you'd gift a photo like this in front of a grieving person?
Maybe the mom died of COVID, painfully. Or by suicide. Or very young. Or violently. Not all death is happy.

DP. I lost 2 siblings and my father to suicide. I agree with the PP whose family can find solace and warmth at funeral events. Being about to reconnect to people, especially those we hadn't seen for a while, reaffirmed that life continues. Joy and fun CAN be found in such sorrowful times. Having some normality went a long way in helping us move beyond the tragedy we were immersed in.

I think those of us who have experienced profound loss, like a PP who buried a DH and 2 kids, may be able to recognize it more. It's certainly not a competition but having a lot more experience with it may make it easier for us to recognize and appreciate lightness whenever we can find it.

I would have had no problem with the gift OP's SIL handed out a Christmas. While the setting was for a sad occasion for me, it wasn't for them. They were there for me and good for them for putting the time to good use and getting a good picture. Life goes on.

Oh, there it is: another person on the podium at the grief Olympics. You won too, boo! Yayyyyyy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are upset, OP. I’m sure your grief is still fresh. One of the few things about a funeral I’d that it provides opportunities for family reunions, of a sort. My mom had a photo of her siblings at their mom’s funerals and it’s special to them.

In this case, it was someone else's mother.

DP. I get that but I think OP is over-reacting. It was a garden. There are no tombstones involved. There is no reference to it being a funeral. The only reason OP knows the context of the photo is because she recognizes the garden. The SIL did not do anything wrong. Probably OP needs to get herself into therapy because her reaction is a little over the top and I say this as a woman who has buried a husband and two children.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're overreacting. Your SIL obviously didn't think about your feelings. Your DH should call his sister and say that you were hurt. I think the photo taking at the funeral was in the "iffy" range, it might have been impromptu and not thought out. The sending of the framed photo to everyone was so insensitive -- that took time to do. I'm sure other family members that received it thought your SIL was insensitive.

NP here. I don't think there was anything wrong with taking the photo. But it was ridiculous of the SIL to think that OP would want that picture framed in her house!

My take on that was that the SIL was sending it to her brother, OP's husband. I can see why he would want it. I would want it, too. I think that OP's reaction is definitely over the top and she does need to do some time with grief therapy.

I'm the OP. She didn't send it in a text. She blew it up, framed it, and presented it at our family Christmas gathering for both my husband, my other SIL, and my MIL to unwrap in front of me and presumably to frame in our home. I'm in grief therapy. I'm generally doing OK. But I think it was really insensitive.

I’ve lost both parents and my husband. You are overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who say they want their funeral to be a joyous occasion are in a dream world unless the deceased was extremely old or they are getting a huge inheritance. Funerals are sad. The lived one is unfortunately gone forever. Just not a fun time.

PP who lost 3 family members to suicide here. Youngest was 21, oldest was 52. It's not the funerals that are sad. It's the loss. The loss hits people differently and at different times. We can experience more than one emotion at a time. Just because you feel immense sorrow and loss does not mean that you cannot also experience humor and pleasure at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

Sweetie, no one cares.
No one.

Take it in again: no. One.

But, she’s right. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, DCUM is a fickle beast. If OP had posted asking if she needed to go to her MIL's funeral, people would be screeching, NO, don't go, she's just your MIL.

Instead here is a family that is completely unrelated to OP's mother, that got themselves all to the funeral. They didn't come kicking and screaming. They came to stand up for OP and to support her and OP's husband. They didn't need to be there and NO ONE, well, no normal person, would have faulted them for not being there because, again, none of them are related to OP's mom. Then you consider that there were enough of them together that they took a picture. Not in the middle of the funeral and with enough discretion that OP didn't even know it was happening.

This family deserves huge props for showing up. They didn't have to be there but they were. They don't deserve OP acting like a spoiled brat. If anyone has an apology to make it is OP for making a fuss about it. I get that she is grieving but that doesn't excuse OP.

Both points of view can be true. It was wonderful that the IL family came to the funeral. It was terrible to hand out a giant framed family picture in front of OP on her first Christmas without her mon.

DP. I agree with the first PP. I can appreciate OP having a poignant moment about it and feel the loss of her mom. But, I'm sure it's not the only poignant moment she experienced and she is inappropriately latching onto this picture. She, instead, should focus on how nice it was that her ILs showed such support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, DCUM is a fickle beast. If OP had posted asking if she needed to go to her MIL's funeral, people would be screeching, NO, don't go, she's just your MIL.

Instead here is a family that is completely unrelated to OP's mother, that got themselves all to the funeral. They didn't come kicking and screaming. They came to stand up for OP and to support her and OP's husband. They didn't need to be there and NO ONE, well, no normal person, would have faulted them for not being there because, again, none of them are related to OP's mom. Then you consider that there were enough of them together that they took a picture. Not in the middle of the funeral and with enough discretion that OP didn't even know it was happening.

This family deserves huge props for showing up. They didn't have to be there but they were. They don't deserve OP acting like a spoiled brat. If anyone has an apology to make it is OP for making a fuss about it. I get that she is grieving but that doesn't excuse OP.

Both points of view can be true. It was wonderful that the IL family came to the funeral. It was terrible to hand out a giant framed family picture in front of OP on her first Christmas without her mon.

DP. I agree with the first PP. I can appreciate OP having a poignant moment about it and feel the loss of her mom. But, I'm sure it's not the only poignant moment she experienced and she is inappropriately latching onto this picture. She, instead, should focus on how nice it was that her ILs showed such support.

I’m so stuck on this. My whole family came to the funeral of DH’s dad. I truly cannot imagine presenting my family with a framed, enlarged picture of just us at FIL’s remembrance **in front of DH or his sisters, as we’ve all spent time together** like 3 months later, or ever. It’s such a clear call to me. I’d never conceive of doing it, and it seems a rather extreme act to me. Of course life has gone on and we’ve remembered him often and fondly and still — never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, DCUM is a fickle beast. If OP had posted asking if she needed to go to her MIL's funeral, people would be screeching, NO, don't go, she's just your MIL.

Instead here is a family that is completely unrelated to OP's mother, that got themselves all to the funeral. They didn't come kicking and screaming. They came to stand up for OP and to support her and OP's husband. They didn't need to be there and NO ONE, well, no normal person, would have faulted them for not being there because, again, none of them are related to OP's mom. Then you consider that there were enough of them together that they took a picture. Not in the middle of the funeral and with enough discretion that OP didn't even know it was happening.

This family deserves huge props for showing up. They didn't have to be there but they were. They don't deserve OP acting like a spoiled brat. If anyone has an apology to make it is OP for making a fuss about it. I get that she is grieving but that doesn't excuse OP.

Both points of view can be true. It was wonderful that the IL family came to the funeral. It was terrible to hand out a giant framed family picture in front of OP on her first Christmas without her mon.

DP. I agree with the first PP. I can appreciate OP having a poignant moment about it and feel the loss of her mom. But, I'm sure it's not the only poignant moment she experienced and she is inappropriately latching onto this picture. She, instead, should focus on how nice it was that her ILs showed such support.

I’m so stuck on this. My whole family came to the funeral of DH’s dad. I truly cannot imagine presenting my family with a framed, enlarged picture of just us at FIL’s remembrance **in front of DH or his sisters, as we’ve all spent time together** like 3 months later, or ever. It’s such a clear call to me. I’d never conceive of doing it, and it seems a rather extreme act to me. Of course life has gone on and we’ve remembered him often and fondly and still — never.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think what this thread has shown is people have differing comfort levels with it and that the SIL's actions weren't likely intentionally offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, DCUM is a fickle beast. If OP had posted asking if she needed to go to her MIL's funeral, people would be screeching, NO, don't go, she's just your MIL.

Instead here is a family that is completely unrelated to OP's mother, that got themselves all to the funeral. They didn't come kicking and screaming. They came to stand up for OP and to support her and OP's husband. They didn't need to be there and NO ONE, well, no normal person, would have faulted them for not being there because, again, none of them are related to OP's mom. Then you consider that there were enough of them together that they took a picture. Not in the middle of the funeral and with enough discretion that OP didn't even know it was happening.

This family deserves huge props for showing up. They didn't have to be there but they were. They don't deserve OP acting like a spoiled brat. If anyone has an apology to make it is OP for making a fuss about it. I get that she is grieving but that doesn't excuse OP.

Both points of view can be true. It was wonderful that the IL family came to the funeral. It was terrible to hand out a giant framed family picture in front of OP on her first Christmas without her mon.

DP. I agree with the first PP. I can appreciate OP having a poignant moment about it and feel the loss of her mom. But, I'm sure it's not the only poignant moment she experienced and she is inappropriately latching onto this picture. She, instead, should focus on how nice it was that her ILs showed such support.

I’m so stuck on this. My whole family came to the funeral of DH’s dad. I truly cannot imagine presenting my family with a framed, enlarged picture of just us at FIL’s remembrance **in front of DH or his sisters, as we’ve all spent time together** like 3 months later, or ever. It’s such a clear call to me. I’d never conceive of doing it, and it seems a rather extreme act to me. Of course life has gone on and we’ve remembered him often and fondly and still — never.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think what this thread has shown is people have differing comfort levels with it and that the SIL's actions weren't likely intentionally offensive.

To be fair, OP did post that her SIL has been a jerk to her in the past.