Am I overreacting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

It seems to have made you bitter and insensitive. It’s not a race. And you are not an expert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, DCUM is a fickle beast. If OP had posted asking if she needed to go to her MIL's funeral, people would be screeching, NO, don't go, she's just your MIL.

Instead here is a family that is completely unrelated to OP's mother, that got themselves all to the funeral. They didn't come kicking and screaming. They came to stand up for OP and to support her and OP's husband. They didn't need to be there and NO ONE, well, no normal person, would have faulted them for not being there because, again, none of them are related to OP's mom. Then you consider that there were enough of them together that they took a picture. Not in the middle of the funeral and with enough discretion that OP didn't even know it was happening.

This family deserves huge props for showing up. They didn't have to be there but they were. They don't deserve OP acting like a spoiled brat. If anyone has an apology to make it is OP for making a fuss about it. I get that she is grieving but that doesn't excuse OP.

ILs found the thread.

[Anonymous]

It’s insensitive bordering on very rude. Your DH should be more supportive. My husband died during Covid and it takes more than 3 months to recover. Maybe in a few years that photo will have meaning but maybe it will always serve to remind you that others just don’t understand how you feel.

[Anonymous]

People who say they want their funeral to be a joyous occasion are in a dream world unless the deceased was extremely old or they are getting a huge inheritance. Funerals are sad. The lived one is unfortunately gone forever. Just not a fun time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. My SIL has a long history of this kind of clueless behavior and my DH is afraid to rock the boat with her as it has caused major family rifts in the past and we have just gotten over a COVID-related family feud with her. He's going to say something to his mother. But in terms of the SIL, I'll probably just have to file it away as "extremely clueless and insensitive things people do." 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. My SIL has a long history of this kind of clueless behavior and my DH is afraid to rock the boat with her as it has caused major family rifts in the past and we have just gotten over a COVID-related family feud with her. He's going to say something to his mother. But in terms of the SIL, I'll probably just have to file it away as "extremely clueless and insensitive things people do." 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're wrong if you think your SIL is the one who is "clueless." It sounds like this family did everything right by getting to the funeral and reception, and you're the one who is letting her grief clouding her judgment. Some day you'll be far enough away from this to see that. Hopefully you won't do anything more to damage your relationship with your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL sounds like a dope. Why on Earth would anyone use a funeral as a photo op? Geez. She’s an idiot. You have every right to feel upset. So sorry, OP.

This struck me as odd, too. What was she thinking? "Wow, all the siblings are here and dressed up! Let's get a family photo! Score."
Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. My SIL has a long history of this kind of clueless behavior and my DH is afraid to rock the boat with her as it has caused major family rifts in the past and we have just gotten over a COVID-related family feud with her. He's going to say something to his mother. But in terms of the SIL, I'll probably just have to file it away as "extremely clueless and insensitive things people do." 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're wrong if you think your SIL is the one who is "clueless." It sounds like this family did everything right by getting to the funeral and reception, and you're the one who is letting her grief clouding her judgment. Some day you'll be far enough away from this to see that. Hopefully you won't do anything more to damage your relationship with your SIL.

SIL has entered the chat

[Anonymous]

You folks are very strange about death. In our large, Italian, Catholic family, weddings and wakes are the times we mostly get together, and to be honest the middle days of the wakes are fun. You see people you haven’t seen in ages, tell stories, catch up, and talk about planning that cousins club reunion that never really happens. As long as you’re not staging a photo in front of the casket or gravesite, it’s not a big deal. Twenty years from now, you're going to be happy to have large group pictures as you remember those who have gone and you start talking with your children and grandchildren about their family history and they want to know about them.

It’s perfectly fine to stick this picture in a closet for now if it’s hard for you. But it’s not a horrible offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. My SIL has a long history of this kind of clueless behavior and my DH is afraid to rock the boat with her as it has caused major family rifts in the past and we have just gotten over a COVID-related family feud with her. He's going to say something to his mother. But in terms of the SIL, I'll probably just have to file it away as "extremely clueless and insensitive things people do." 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're wrong if you think your SIL is the one who is "clueless." It sounds like this family did everything right by getting to the funeral and reception, and you're the one who is letting her grief clouding her judgment. Some day you'll be far enough away from this to see that. Hopefully you won't do anything more to damage your relationship with your SIL.

You think someone staging a happy family photo op during the worst day of a relative's life and then handing that photo out as a Christmas gift to be unwrapped in front of the grieving daughter is...thoughtful?
Because they attended a funeral, they get a pass for future insensitivity?
Read the prior responses. You are in the DEFINITE minority here. Most people are calling this an insensitive move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You folks are very strange about death. In our large, Italian, Catholic family, weddings and wakes are the times we mostly get together, and to be honest the middle days of the wakes are fun. You see people you haven’t seen in ages, tell stories, catch up, and talk about planning that cousins club reunion that never really happens. As long as you’re not staging a photo in front of the casket or gravesite, it’s not a big deal. Twenty years from now, you're going to be happy to have large group pictures as you remember those who have gone and you start talking with your children and grandchildren about their family history and they want to know about them.

It’s perfectly fine to stick this picture in a closet for now if it’s hard for you. But it’s not a horrible offense.

I cannot believe this bears explaining, but: Weddings and funerals aren't the same at all. "Funerals are fun" has got to be a new one here. Maybe they're sort of a nice chance to reconnect if you're not close to the person. I'm willing to bet the person who lost a mom, dad, sibling, child, husband or wife isn't having tons of fun. Have you ever mourned someone close to you? If so, did you spend the time planning a "cousin club" (?) reunion.

There are lots of places to stage and then gift large family photos. A funeral just ain't one of 'em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. My SIL has a long history of this kind of clueless behavior and my DH is afraid to rock the boat with her as it has caused major family rifts in the past and we have just gotten over a COVID-related family feud with her. He's going to say something to his mother. But in terms of the SIL, I'll probably just have to file it away as "extremely clueless and insensitive things people do." 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good attitude, OP. You are going to need it to deal with your in-laws. I don't think it would be the last time something like this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You folks are very strange about death. In our large, Italian, Catholic family, weddings and wakes are the times we mostly get together, and to be honest the middle days of the wakes are fun. You see people you haven’t seen in ages, tell stories, catch up, and talk about planning that cousins club reunion that never really happens. As long as you’re not staging a photo in front of the casket or gravesite, it’s not a big deal. Twenty years from now, you're going to be happy to have large group pictures as you remember those who have gone and you start talking with your children and grandchildren about their family history and they want to know about them.

It’s perfectly fine to stick this picture in a closet for now if it’s hard for you. But it’s not a horrible offense.

I cannot believe this bears explaining, but: Weddings and funerals aren't the same at all. "Funerals are fun" has got to be a new one here. Maybe they're sort of a nice chance to reconnect if you're not close to the person. I'm willing to bet the person who lost a mom, dad, sibling, child, husband or wife isn't having tons of fun. Have you ever mourned someone close to you? If so, did you spend the time planning a "cousin club" (?) reunion.

There are lots of places to stage and then gift large family photos. A funeral just ain't one of 'em.

Maybe where you come from. But it’s not the distant cousins doing this - it’s everyone, especially when the deceased is older and has lived their life. We have bad luck around the holidays in our family, and everyone has the standing directive that if we die at the end of December, stick us in the morgue, everyone go about Christmas, and then hold the wake on the 27th and bury before New Years. We cry enough at home, and are glad for new conversation and seeing people for part of the day. We accept death as part of being alive, and it will be all of our turns one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You folks are very strange about death. In our large, Italian, Catholic family, weddings and wakes are the times we mostly get together, and to be honest the middle days of the wakes are fun. You see people you haven’t seen in ages, tell stories, catch up, and talk about planning that cousins club reunion that never really happens. As long as you’re not staging a photo in front of the casket or gravesite, it’s not a big deal. Twenty years from now, you're going to be happy to have large group pictures as you remember those who have gone and you start talking with your children and grandchildren about their family history and they want to know about them.

It’s perfectly fine to stick this picture in a closet for now if it’s hard for you. But it’s not a horrible offense.

I cannot believe this bears explaining, but: Weddings and funerals aren't the same at all. "Funerals are fun" has got to be a new one here. Maybe they're sort of a nice chance to reconnect if you're not close to the person. I'm willing to bet the person who lost a mom, dad, sibling, child, husband or wife isn't having tons of fun. Have you ever mourned someone close to you? If so, did you spend the time planning a "cousin club" (?) reunion.

There are lots of places to stage and then gift large family photos. A funeral just ain't one of 'em.

Maybe where you come from. But it’s not the distant cousins doing this - it’s everyone, especially when the deceased is older and has lived their life. We have bad luck around the holidays in our family, and everyone has the standing directive that if we die at the end of December, stick us in the morgue, everyone go about Christmas, and then hold the wake on the 27th and bury before New Years. We cry enough at home, and are glad for new conversation and seeing people for part of the day. We accept death as part of being alive, and it will be all of our turns one day.

Ok, so you'd gift a photo like this in front of a grieving person?
Maybe the mom died of COVID, painfully. Or by suicide. Or very young. Or violently. Not all death is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

The eye-roll is immature, OP, and a bad look for you.

Nope. Not OP. You are looking for conflict, I’m sure you’ve posted that OP should just be glad everyone came to the funeral.

OP, I am very sorry. Your SIL is a piece of shit.