Am I overreacting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family that takes photos at funerals and think that’s ok. It’s not disrespectful to the deceased. I wouldn’t have a problem with people taking a photo at my funeral. I would love it if my funeral served as a time for a joyous reunion and coming together of family and friends.

I also think it’s fine for OP not to want to display the picture and If asked she can say that it makes her sad because it reminds her of her mothers death.

Of course it's not disrespectful to the deceased. It's disrespectful to the loved ones of the deceased!! Good grief, how can you not see that? And of course you wouldn't mind what anyone did at your funeral because.....you're dead! It's your loved ones that are hurting and need sensitivity and comfort.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my mom a few months ago also. We have a beautiful photo of the grandkids in the garden by where she is interred and it definitely triggers mixed emotions in me.

I think it was very insensitive and thoughtless of your SIL to handle the photo that way.

And you will care less about it over time probably. Right now you are in stages of very raw grief. That will gradually ease and probably the photo won't seem like a such a big deal someday. But I totally understand why it's hitting you that way now.

I would assume that your SIL had no intention of causing you pain, and it was just pure thoughtlessness. Someday she'll experience something similar.

My condolences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're overreacting. Your SIL obviously didn't think about your feelings. Your DH should call his sister and say that you were hurt. I think the photo taking at the funeral was in the "iffy" range, it might have been impromptu and not thought out. The sending of the framed photo to everyone was so insensitive -- that took time to do. I'm sure other family members that received it thought your SIL was insensitive.

Her mom died THREE months ago. This was extremely insensitive. It may not have been on purpose, but it was insensitive.

[Anonymous]

I think that's weird and insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

The eye-roll is immature, OP, and a bad look for you.

[Anonymous]

OMG. This is the tackiest thing I ever heard. I'm sure she did not intend to be hurtful, but damn. You are a better person than me, OP. I would have probably said something.

[Anonymous]

That IS insensitive, and feels very rude, because no one brings Holiday gifts to a funeral, and no one brings another family to the fore during another family's funeral...

In terms on intent, it's probably half unconscious, half conscious in that your mother's death made your SIL think of her mother and she's too crass to think or care much for your feelings in that context.

Yes, that would definitely rub me the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Ohhhh that’s tacky. I’m sorry OP. I hope you’re doing ok. To any sane person, it’s going to reflect poorly on your IL’s and not on you. I hope you get to a point in the future where you can cringe/joke about it without being upset. It really is tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're overreacting. Your SIL obviously didn't think about your feelings. Your DH should call his sister and say that you were hurt. I think the photo taking at the funeral was in the "iffy" range, it might have been impromptu and not thought out. The sending of the framed photo to everyone was so insensitive -- that took time to do. I'm sure other family members that received it thought your SIL was insensitive.

Her mom died THREE months ago. This was extremely insensitive. It may not have been on purpose, but it was insensitive.

This.

[Anonymous]

It is insensitive. At a a minimum someone could have acknowledged that it was at your mother's funeral and say something like 'it was a lovely service'.

[Anonymous]

No, you are not overreacting. You are under reacting and your husband should be more supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

[Anonymous]

OP: you are right. It was incredibly insensitive.

I recently looked up "grief therapy" for a friend. It turns out there is no evidence to support it helps more than time. Just keep that in mind.

The part of grief that you walk alone will always be a part of your unique experience. No one else can really understand unless they have been there. Your SIL has not been there and therefore doesn't understand. Aparently neither does your husband.

I lost my mom almost 30 years ago. Hugs to you. Explain to your husband that this framed photo is not going anywhere in your house that you have to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was very kind of them all to come to the service. Not all inlaws are that considerate.

Ask your husband to store his photo away in a closet. a
And try to forget about it. If it were me, I would only say something to the inlaws if they asked why you aren't displaying the photo. I'd start with explaining that the photo only reminds you of your mother's death. If they push back or act defensive, "Well Jane, what did you expect? I associate that day with mourning, not a happy family photo op."

Just because it was a funeral doesn't mean that people cannot be happy about other things. There should be laughter and smiles just as there will be tears and sadness. It is all part of life and death.

There’s one like you (above) in every crowd. Wait until you lose someone close to you.

Sweetie, I am 10:46, the woman who has buried a husband and two children. If you cannot understand that life goes on and that you will need to be able to smile again one day then you might as well crawl into the grave with your dead.

I imagine the only reason why OP knew the picture was taken during the funeral reception was because she recognized the clothing that the people were wearing or perhaps she recognized the background like someone else pointed out. Either way, it isn't like this family planted themselves on the grave of OP's mom, started dancing and took a picture. It sounds like they saw they were all together and they took a family photo.

I think that OP's reaction is over the top. OP needs to change her grief therapy strategy (she acknowledges on page 2 that she is "in" grief therapy) because whatever she is doing isn't working well for her. I know many of you mean well but validating blindly as you are doesn't help OP address her grief in a positive and productive way.

What in the world? She lost her mother 3 months ago. She doesn't need to be on your timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you are not overreacting. You are under reacting and your husband should be more supportive.

+1 Your husband should give it back to his sister, saying that it upsets you. Tell her to give it to someone who will want to hang it up and appreciate it (in other words-- no way in hell it is going up in your house.)