Hypothetical Paternity situation. WWYD ?

[Anonymous]

Leave it to a conservative and her “family values” to ruin the holidays with her non-biblical behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those folks who are asserting there's no harm to preserving this (hypothetical) lie are wildly misinformed. The impacts of this kind of secrecy are profound and lifelong.

At the most basic level, the OP's DH needs accurate health information. Not knowing his true parentage could set him up for unnecessary tests or, even worse, keep from him vitally important information about health issues he'll need to monitor closely. I'm adopted and am very familiar with adoptee health issues, which can be similar. It's a very serious problem, especially as we age. For example, my adoption was closed so I have to do colonoscopies more frequently than others. Medical care can be a real nightmare when you don't have an accurate family history.

In addition, the trust and identity issues run deep. When DH does find out, and he almost certainly will, his entire world will explode. Late discovery often leads people to fundamentally question every relationship in their lives, and from there it even more frequently leads to family disintegration because the trust violations are so significant. If the OP's DH ever finds out that she knew and didn't tell him, it would be the end of the marriage or the closest they'll ever come to it. Same goes for his mother. If she hopes to have her relationship with her son survive the exposure of these facts, she darn well better be the one who tells.

In this day and age, with the easy and comparatively cheap access to 23andMe, Ancestry, and similar testing services, there really is no hiding anymore.

Why would you need to do colonoscopies more frequently if you are not showing any signs that you night have colon cancer? Seems like bad medicine to me.

And your qualifications to come to this conclusion are...?

Feel free to post a link stating that people are considered above average risk for colorectal cancer and therfor should recieve more frequetn screenings than average simply due to being adopted.

So, in other words, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I figured.

Np here. I work in healthcare and have never heard of this, and I guess it's not standard since you can't provide additional information justifying a need for more frequent Colonoscopies just because you are adopted.

Answering the op, I like the blackmail option pp suggested🤣

[Anonymous]

I’d take it to my grave. If there was drinking, who know the truth.

[Anonymous]

I'd keep my mouth shut.

I just found out that my younger sister has a different father than the rest of us. We are in our late 30s.

She looks so different from the rest of us(5 children) that we had always jokingly asked her to take a ancestry DNA test.

My dad is chronically ill now, and he told my brother that my younger sister is not his. But told him that it was a secret between my mom and him.

So 2 of 5 siblings know(my older brother and I), and we are not telling anyone else. I will probably take it to my grave(unless there was an urgent health reason not to).

It's not my story to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those folks who are asserting there's no harm to preserving this (hypothetical) lie are wildly misinformed. The impacts of this kind of secrecy are profound and lifelong.

At the most basic level, the OP's DH needs accurate health information. Not knowing his true parentage could set him up for unnecessary tests or, even worse, keep from him vitally important information about health issues he'll need to monitor closely. I'm adopted and am very familiar with adoptee health issues, which can be similar. It's a very serious problem, especially as we age. For example, my adoption was closed so I have to do colonoscopies more frequently than others. Medical care can be a real nightmare when you don't have an accurate family history.

In addition, the trust and identity issues run deep. When DH does find out, and he almost certainly will, his entire world will explode. Late discovery often leads people to fundamentally question every relationship in their lives, and from there it even more frequently leads to family disintegration because the trust violations are so significant. If the OP's DH ever finds out that she knew and didn't tell him, it would be the end of the marriage or the closest they'll ever come to it. Same goes for his mother. If she hopes to have her relationship with her son survive the exposure of these facts, she darn well better be the one who tells.

In this day and age, with the easy and comparatively cheap access to 23andMe, Ancestry, and similar testing services, there really is no hiding anymore.

Why would you need to do colonoscopies more frequently if you are not showing any signs that you night have colon cancer? Seems like bad medicine to me.

And your qualifications to come to this conclusion are...?

Feel free to post a link stating that people are considered above average risk for colorectal cancer and therfor should recieve more frequetn screenings than average simply due to being adopted.

So, in other words, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I figured.

Np here. I work in healthcare and have never heard of this, and I guess it's not standard since you can't provide additional information justifying a need for more frequent Colonoscopies just because you are adopted.

Answering the op, I like the blackmail option pp suggested🤣

I'm the adoptee. Medicine is only just beginning to understand the long-term implications and health needs of adoptees. Until recently, I had never even seen a health intake form that had a place to note that the patient is adopted. Very hard to do that kind of research of you don't even know this information. That said, there is cutting edge stuff happening (finally) - thanks in large part to the advances in genetic sequencing. Thankfully, I get care at a major US research hospital where they understand that adoptee health needs are different.

But of course, working in health care pp, you surely already know everything about absolutely everything in medicine, which means you know all the differences in health care needs for adoptees, including the differences between those from open and closed adoptions. Would you like to describe some for us so we know that you really know what you are talking about? Maybe you can do something simple, like tell us what the suicide rates are for adoptees and how they differ from other populations? This is an easy one since adoptee suicide rates are frequently cited during adoption awareness month. You surely know when that is, right? I mean, working in health care, you would know everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those folks who are asserting there's no harm to preserving this (hypothetical) lie are wildly misinformed. The impacts of this kind of secrecy are profound and lifelong.

At the most basic level, the OP's DH needs accurate health information. Not knowing his true parentage could set him up for unnecessary tests or, even worse, keep from him vitally important information about health issues he'll need to monitor closely. I'm adopted and am very familiar with adoptee health issues, which can be similar. It's a very serious problem, especially as we age. For example, my adoption was closed so I have to do colonoscopies more frequently than others. Medical care can be a real nightmare when you don't have an accurate family history.

In addition, the trust and identity issues run deep. When DH does find out, and he almost certainly will, his entire world will explode. Late discovery often leads people to fundamentally question every relationship in their lives, and from there it even more frequently leads to family disintegration because the trust violations are so significant. If the OP's DH ever finds out that she knew and didn't tell him, it would be the end of the marriage or the closest they'll ever come to it. Same goes for his mother. If she hopes to have her relationship with her son survive the exposure of these facts, she darn well better be the one who tells.

In this day and age, with the easy and comparatively cheap access to 23andMe, Ancestry, and similar testing services, there really is no hiding anymore.

Why would you need to do colonoscopies more frequently if you are not showing any signs that you night have colon cancer? Seems like bad medicine to me.

And your qualifications to come to this conclusion are...?

Feel free to post a link stating that people are considered above average risk for colorectal cancer and therfor should recieve more frequetn screenings than average simply due to being adopted.

So, in other words, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I figured.

Np here. I work in healthcare and have never heard of this, and I guess it's not standard since you can't provide additional information justifying a need for more frequent Colonoscopies just because you are adopted.

Answering the op, I like the blackmail option pp suggested🤣

I'm the adoptee. Medicine is only just beginning to understand the long-term implications and health needs of adoptees. Until recently, I had never even seen a health intake form that had a place to note that the patient is adopted. Very hard to do that kind of research of you don't even know this information. That said, there is cutting edge stuff happening (finally) - thanks in large part to the advances in genetic sequencing. Thankfully, I get care at a major US research hospital where they understand that adoptee health needs are different.

But of course, working in health care pp, you surely already know everything about absolutely everything in medicine, which means you know all the differences in health care needs for adoptees, including the differences between those from open and closed adoptions. Would you like to describe some for us so we know that you really know what you are talking about? Maybe you can do something simple, like tell us what the suicide rates are for adoptees and how they differ from other populations? This is an easy one since adoptee suicide rates are frequently cited during adoption awareness month. You surely know when that is, right? I mean, working in health care, you would know everything.

No offence, adoptee PP, but are you an international adoptee with questionable health conditions?

Why you need to go to a research hospital because yiu have a murky health history is unusual to me. *many* people do not know their health history, because their parents or grandparents were too busy with wars, displacement, emigrating, or being estranged to give them useful info. Many physicians have an “unknown” answer for family history.

I give you that many adoptees may also have other conditions due to maternal and perinatal care, but that doesn’t seem like it would be the case in this question, does it?

I get this is a sensible topic when you are struggling, but the fact is, OPs (hypothetical) DH has half his medical history already. He has grown up in a similar environment to his siblings.

[Anonymous]

Also, PP, the husband doesn’t know he is an adoptee until OP would tell him. So let’s talk about the mental health implications of blowing up his life in that vein.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4, with a possible side of 1. I like the approach by 13:28. She said it, so it bothers her. These things often come out.

But generally, keep your mouth shut. I have had suspicions for years that my DH’s oldest child from a previous marriage isn’t actually his, but I kept my mouth shut. That’s because it’s his son, they love each other, and even if at the end of the day there might have been another sperm donor, that’s HIS son. Why muddy the waters? Family is more than biology.

How in the world would you know that your stepson isn’t DH’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those folks who are asserting there's no harm to preserving this (hypothetical) lie are wildly misinformed. The impacts of this kind of secrecy are profound and lifelong.

At the most basic level, the OP's DH needs accurate health information. Not knowing his true parentage could set him up for unnecessary tests or, even worse, keep from him vitally important information about health issues he'll need to monitor closely. I'm adopted and am very familiar with adoptee health issues, which can be similar. It's a very serious problem, especially as we age. For example, my adoption was closed so I have to do colonoscopies more frequently than others. Medical care can be a real nightmare when you don't have an accurate family history.

In addition, the trust and identity issues run deep. When DH does find out, and he almost certainly will, his entire world will explode. Late discovery often leads people to fundamentally question every relationship in their lives, and from there it even more frequently leads to family disintegration because the trust violations are so significant. If the OP's DH ever finds out that she knew and didn't tell him, it would be the end of the marriage or the closest they'll ever come to it. Same goes for his mother. If she hopes to have her relationship with her son survive the exposure of these facts, she darn well better be the one who tells.

In this day and age, with the easy and comparatively cheap access to 23andMe, Ancestry, and similar testing services, there really is no hiding anymore.

Why would you need to do colonoscopies more frequently if you are not showing any signs that you night have colon cancer? Seems like bad medicine to me.

And your qualifications to come to this conclusion are...?

Feel free to post a link stating that people are considered above average risk for colorectal cancer and therfor should recieve more frequetn screenings than average simply due to being adopted.

So, in other words, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I figured.

Np here. I work in healthcare and have never heard of this, and I guess it's not standard since you can't provide additional information justifying a need for more frequent Colonoscopies just because you are adopted.

Answering the op, I like the blackmail option pp suggested🤣

I'm the adoptee. Medicine is only just beginning to understand the long-term implications and health needs of adoptees. Until recently, I had never even seen a health intake form that had a place to note that the patient is adopted. Very hard to do that kind of research of you don't even know this information. That said, there is cutting edge stuff happening (finally) - thanks in large part to the advances in genetic sequencing. Thankfully, I get care at a major US research hospital where they understand that adoptee health needs are different.

But of course, working in health care pp, you surely already know everything about absolutely everything in medicine, which means you know all the differences in health care needs for adoptees, including the differences between those from open and closed adoptions. Would you like to describe some for us so we know that you really know what you are talking about? Maybe you can do something simple, like tell us what the suicide rates are for adoptees and how they differ from other populations? This is an easy one since adoptee suicide rates are frequently cited during adoption awareness month. You surely know when that is, right? I mean, working in health care, you would know everything.

No offence, adoptee PP, but are you an international adoptee with questionable health conditions?

Why you need to go to a research hospital because yiu have a murky health history is unusual to me. *many* people do not know their health history, because their parents or grandparents were too busy with wars, displacement, emigrating, or being estranged to give them useful info. Many physicians have an “unknown” answer for family history.

I give you that many adoptees may also have other conditions due to maternal and perinatal care, but that doesn’t seem like it would be the case in this question, does it?

I get this is a sensible topic when you are struggling, but the fact is, OPs (hypothetical) DH has half his medical history already. He has grown up in a similar environment to his siblings.

Everyone is bound to get sick at some point if we live long enough. This whole family history thing is nonsense and I say that as a young adult who doesn’t know who my dad is. Don’t get stuck in the past and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those folks who are asserting there's no harm to preserving this (hypothetical) lie are wildly misinformed. The impacts of this kind of secrecy are profound and lifelong.

At the most basic level, the OP's DH needs accurate health information. Not knowing his true parentage could set him up for unnecessary tests or, even worse, keep from him vitally important information about health issues he'll need to monitor closely. I'm adopted and am very familiar with adoptee health issues, which can be similar. It's a very serious problem, especially as we age. For example, my adoption was closed so I have to do colonoscopies more frequently than others. Medical care can be a real nightmare when you don't have an accurate family history.

In addition, the trust and identity issues run deep. When DH does find out, and he almost certainly will, his entire world will explode. Late discovery often leads people to fundamentally question every relationship in their lives, and from there it even more frequently leads to family disintegration because the trust violations are so significant. If the OP's DH ever finds out that she knew and didn't tell him, it would be the end of the marriage or the closest they'll ever come to it. Same goes for his mother. If she hopes to have her relationship with her son survive the exposure of these facts, she darn well better be the one who tells.

In this day and age, with the easy and comparatively cheap access to 23andMe, Ancestry, and similar testing services, there really is no hiding anymore.

Why would you need to do colonoscopies more frequently if you are not showing any signs that you night have colon cancer? Seems like bad medicine to me.

And your qualifications to come to this conclusion are...?

Feel free to post a link stating that people are considered above average risk for colorectal cancer and therfor should recieve more frequetn screenings than average simply due to being adopted.

So, in other words, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I figured.

Np here. I work in healthcare and have never heard of this, and I guess it's not standard since you can't provide additional information justifying a need for more frequent Colonoscopies just because you are adopted.

Answering the op, I like the blackmail option pp suggested🤣

I'm the adoptee. Medicine is only just beginning to understand the long-term implications and health needs of adoptees. Until recently, I had never even seen a health intake form that had a place to note that the patient is adopted. Very hard to do that kind of research of you don't even know this information. That said, there is cutting edge stuff happening (finally) - thanks in large part to the advances in genetic sequencing. Thankfully, I get care at a major US research hospital where they understand that adoptee health needs are different.

But of course, working in health care pp, you surely already know everything about absolutely everything in medicine, which means you know all the differences in health care needs for adoptees, including the differences between those from open and closed adoptions. Would you like to describe some for us so we know that you really know what you are talking about? Maybe you can do something simple, like tell us what the suicide rates are for adoptees and how they differ from other populations? This is an easy one since adoptee suicide rates are frequently cited during adoption awareness month. You surely know when that is, right? I mean, working in health care, you would know everything.

No offence, adoptee PP, but are you an international adoptee with questionable health conditions?

Why you need to go to a research hospital because yiu have a murky health history is unusual to me. *many* people do not know their health history, because their parents or grandparents were too busy with wars, displacement, emigrating, or being estranged to give them useful info. Many physicians have an “unknown” answer for family history.

I give you that many adoptees may also have other conditions due to maternal and perinatal care, but that doesn’t seem like it would be the case in this question, does it?

I get this is a sensible topic when you are struggling, but the fact is, OPs (hypothetical) DH has half his medical history already. He has grown up in a similar environment to his siblings.

Adoptee here. I am a domestic adoptee from the Baby Scoop era. I am in reunion with my biological mother, so I also know half. I am in good health, though I have a rare gestational disorder that nearly killed me when it surfaced by surprise. (That pregnancy sent me searching for info, which is why I now know half.)

Half is good. And insufficient.

And the point is that in this hypothetical case, it is possible to know more. I get that you live with the uncertainty if there's a war, etc. In this hypothetical case, the only obstacles are pride, fear, etc. on the part of someone other than the innocent person who has a right to know the truth and may have his health negatively impacted because of the selfishness of others.

It's tragic. And truly unethical and reprehensible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, PP, the husband doesn’t know he is an adoptee until OP would tell him. So let’s talk about the mental health implications of blowing up his life in that vein.

Adoptee here. I can assure you, the adoption literature shows precisely the opposite. You assume he will never find out. That is not what happens. There are literally Facebook groups full of late-discovery people who learned the wrong way that their parents aren't who they thought they were. Go check some of those out and see what happens.

When he does find out and learns everyone in his life has been lying to him, the consequences will be lifelong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, PP, the husband doesn’t know he is an adoptee until OP would tell him. So let’s talk about the mental health implications of blowing up his life in that vein.

Adoptee here. I can assure you, the adoption literature shows precisely the opposite. You assume he will never find out. That is not what happens. There are literally Facebook groups full of late-discovery people who learned the wrong way that their parents aren't who they thought they were. Go check some of those out and see what happens.

When he does find out and learns everyone in his life has been lying to him, the consequences will be lifelong.

He’s not adopted. He was raised by his biological mother and step-father, in a family with half siblings. This is not the same beast at all as a child who was unexpectedly pulled from their family and put into another one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave it to a conservative and her “family values” to ruin the holidays with her non-biblical behavior.

Huh?! It’s VERY biblical. David had an affair with Bathsheba and sent her husband to die in war, Lot’s daughters both had sex with him. This is mild by comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, PP, the husband doesn’t know he is an adoptee until OP would tell him. So let’s talk about the mental health implications of blowing up his life in that vein.

Adoptee here. I can assure you, the adoption literature shows precisely the opposite. You assume he will never find out. That is not what happens. There are literally Facebook groups full of late-discovery people who learned the wrong way that their parents aren't who they thought they were. Go check some of those out and see what happens.

When he does find out and learns everyone in his life has been lying to him, the consequences will be lifelong.

He’s not adopted. He was raised by his biological mother and step-father, in a family with half siblings. This is not the same beast at all as a child who was unexpectedly pulled from their family and put into another one.

Adoptee here. I know. It's worse. I should specify, that the late-discovery groups include people who learned late because they were adopted, because parents used donor gametes, and because one parent was not disclosed as not being a biological parent. The feelings and outcomes share a remarkable level of overlap, especially on the question of how people respond to being lied to their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

Adoptee again. What about for fun we extend the hypothetical? This time we'll unpack the identity issues.

What if the DH's unidentified second parent is black? DH is light enough to pass, but has been raised by white parents.

For those of you in the "never tell" camp, would this change your mind?