Hypothetical Paternity situation. WWYD ?

[Anonymous]

I’d keep the secret.

If they’re otherwise a loving, close family, there’s nothing gained by telling but a lot to lose. H will go through a very emotional, traumatic time. MIL and FIL could split, so there go family holidays and now you’ll have to alternate who you see on trips. The siblings will pick sides, so say bye to having all of them together at one gathering.

Keep in mind that you’ll be bearing the brunt of any grieving your H does. If he goes through a major depression, you’ll be picking up the slack at home. If he gets emotional and lashes out, you’ll be dealing with that. If he needs therapy, you’ll be handling the kids while he goes. You’ll have to listen to him talk/cry about it a lot.

Also, a LOT of mid life crises in men are triggered by a traumatic event like this. I’ve known several men whose father died, and in response they left their families, had affairs, spent all the money, etc. This would be sort of similar in that he’s losing a father.

[Anonymous]

I would pretend I never heard it and take it to my grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband would never forgive you if he found out you knew and didn’t tell him. So I’d tell MIL she has until January 7 to tell DH or I will. No need to ruin the holidays.

+1

Not fair for MIL to put that on OP, jeopardizing her marriage.

[Anonymous]

You take up genealogy as a hobby. Ask your family for DNA kits for a family gift.

[Anonymous]

I don't keep secrets from my husband. I would buy him a 23andme and tell him before he reviews the results that come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a big secret to keep from your husband.

I would tell MIL that you don’t want that burden and she’s needs to tell DH.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep the secret.

If they’re otherwise a loving, close family, there’s nothing gained by telling but a lot to lose. H will go through a very emotional, traumatic time. MIL and FIL could split, so there go family holidays and now you’ll have to alternate who you see on trips. The siblings will pick sides, so say bye to having all of them together at one gathering.

Keep in mind that you’ll be bearing the brunt of any grieving your H does. If he goes through a major depression, you’ll be picking up the slack at home. If he gets emotional and lashes out, you’ll be dealing with that. If he needs therapy, you’ll be handling the kids while he goes. You’ll have to listen to him talk/cry about it a lot.

Also, a LOT of mid life crises in men are triggered by a traumatic event like this. I’ve known several men whose father died, and in response they left their families, had affairs, spent all the money, etc. This would be sort of similar in that he’s losing a father.

Good point.

[Anonymous]

It wasn’t at all fair of your MIL to tell you this. I don’t think this is a secret I would keep from my husband. But it’s a crappy situation she caused for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep the secret.

If they’re otherwise a loving, close family, there’s nothing gained by telling but a lot to lose. H will go through a very emotional, traumatic time. MIL and FIL could split, so there go family holidays and now you’ll have to alternate who you see on trips. The siblings will pick sides, so say bye to having all of them together at one gathering.

Keep in mind that you’ll be bearing the brunt of any grieving your H does. If he goes through a major depression, you’ll be picking up the slack at home. If he gets emotional and lashes out, you’ll be dealing with that. If he needs therapy, you’ll be handling the kids while he goes. You’ll have to listen to him talk/cry about it a lot.

Also, a LOT of mid life crises in men are triggered by a traumatic event like this. I’ve known several men whose father died, and in response they left their families, had affairs, spent all the money, etc. This would be sort of similar in that he’s losing a father.

Good point.

Love this utilitarian mindset

[Anonymous]

You privately ask her if what she said while drinking was true (gives her a chance to deny it in which case you are no longer on the hook for knowing since to you it was a drunk lie) If she admits it again, ask what she plans to do now that ancestry tests have become so common. You say you're worried your DH may get contacted by someone. That switches the dynamic over to help her realize that she is not in full control - his paternal family could easily find him in this day and age. You say she's conservative so there is little chance she'll confess to her family now.

That said, asking her again does dig you in deeper. Currently you can claim you didn't know because you dont remember any such conversation during a drinking night. Asking again proves you remember. Then you will need to tell her you can't carry her secret.

[Anonymous]

This never happened

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a big secret to keep from your husband.

I would tell MIL that you don’t want that burden and she’s needs to tell DH.

+1. I’d want to know personally. It might validate a lot of feelings this DH might have and give him an opportunity to build a relationship with the other family.

+2 your loyalty to DH comes before that to your mother in law and if he somehow eventually finds out that you knew and didn’t tell him I don’t know how your marriage comes back from that. He also has a right to know who his true father is- from a health perspective if nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn’t at all fair of your MIL to tell you this. I don’t think this is a secret I would keep from my husband. But it’s a crappy situation she caused for you.

This is the crux of the situation.

[Anonymous]

I would send MIL an email or a text, something in writing. Be concise and specific. “Dear MIL, The family secret you shared last week is not something I can keep from my husband. I value your relationship and I want to give you the opportunity to tell him in your own way. However, I want to be clear that this is too big a burden for me to carry on my own. If you do not tell him by 1/15/21 I will tell him what you told me about his paternity.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This never happened

+ 100