In the spirit of the holidays.... "Crazy Shit my Mom Says" revival

[Anonymous]

Children join cults because they don’t go to church regularly on Sundays and she’s worried about the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was supposed to be funny. People are just posting things that are mean/sad/racist. Does anyone have anything actually funny?

NP. I don't know, PP, but I will try.

My mother was both German and a nurse, and she grew up at a time and in a context when being a sharp-witted, intelligent woman was not a plus. This made her into the biggest contradiction I have ever known. 99% of the time she was uptight and stern, with extremely strict morals. You do not talk to boys on the phone (a woman's voice "does things" to men). You always dress to be ready for someone taking pictures. "F**k" (when I saw it on the underside of the playground slide) is a dirty word for when men have sex with other men, and they will go to hell for it. Your pants have to be baggy, or men will stare at your buttocks and masturbate.

Very strict. Very repressed. And we had two priests in my generation of cousins, because we were so so Catholic.

And then -- the other "Marie" would poke out at the weirdest times. The profane one. In traffic, stuck behind slow drivers when the light turns green: "Oh, my god. He's just up there busy counting his balls to make sure they are still there," or "she can't stop braiding her t*at hairs to pay attention to the light? (We would freeze and try not to giggle.)

As she got older, Other Marie became more and more opinionated. She went from believing sex was only for procreation to advocating for 5-year marriage contracts, "so the men have to work at keeping you happy." She would casually tell me to "consult your ass" when I was in a dilemma, and then she would laugh. "Vwot does you-ar ass think? You-ar ass dez not lead you vrong!"

And she survived breast cancer, but not its return. She was on high dose morphine at the end because of the bone metastases. She was even less inhibited, and she was absolutely hysterical, and I loved her so much. When I consult my ass, it tells me she was a damn fine woman and a great mother after all.

A lovely (and funny) tribute!

[Anonymous]

Some classics from my mom:

“You were too independent as a baby”

When I hired a babysitter to come 2 mornings a week to watch my toddler when I was a SAHM:
“Don’t you want to spend any time with him?!”

Regarding watching my kids when I had heart surgery in another state:
“You didn’t thank me enough” (FWIW I did thank her and also wrote about it on the blog we were keeping to update people on my condition and also thanks her there… I sent her a screen shot of it and she took it back, but I will never trust her again to do anything out of the goodness of her heart)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom would often loudly fart (either pretend nothing happened or ask with disdain “who did that?”)

Declaring loudly at uncle’s funeral (brother she did not like) “will you look at that expensive coffin. What a waste of good wood”

“Are you going out in that? That outfit makes you look fat” and “sex traffickers in Middle East and Africa love fat girls.”

Also regularly admonish us to “eat everything on your plate because the starving children in Africa would eat it if they could.”

On referring to people in the third person when they are in the room: “She is the cat’s mother” but when expressing her own displeasure “We are not amused”

“If you argue with me again, you’ll get the wrong end of the feather duster” (and I regularly did).

“Don't make me get the wooden spoon.”

“Put your shoes and coat on or you’ll get a chill in your kidneys.”

Whenever we lost keys, purse or whatever: “ Will you just Pray to Saint Anthony and stop bothering me” (St Anthony is the Patron Saint of lost causes)

“You’ll be the f@ckun death of me”

“Shut the f@ckun door. You weren’t born in tent.”

So many more.

You shouldve prayed to St Jude (patron saint of lost causes)! Maybe things would’ve been better. St Anthony is the patron of lost items.

Ha ha ha mixing up my saintly causes …

I converted from Catholicism as soon as I could - we had to pray to St Anthony for all the lost items …. 😀

Actually PP is right. You pray to St Anthony when you lose things.

[Anonymous]

Mom: "I've decided in old age I shall not cook. I shall eat take out and buy prepared food. I have worked hard enough."

Me: "That's great mom. I don't recall you ever cooking much before you were of advanced age."

Mom: "What is your point?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some classics from my mom:

“You were too independent as a baby”

When I hired a babysitter to come 2 mornings a week to watch my toddler when I was a SAHM:
“Don’t you want to spend any time with him?!”

Regarding watching my kids when I had heart surgery in another state:
“You didn’t thank me enough” (FWIW I did thank her and also wrote about it on the blog we were keeping to update people on my condition and also thanks her there… I sent her a screen shot of it and she took it back, but I will never trust her again to do anything out of the goodness of her heart)

Ha ha ha - that is hysterical … how does a baby exhibit independence exactly? Were you buckling yourself into your car seat at six months ? 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some classics from my mom:

“You were too independent as a baby”

When I hired a babysitter to come 2 mornings a week to watch my toddler when I was a SAHM:
“Don’t you want to spend any time with him?!”

Regarding watching my kids when I had heart surgery in another state:
“You didn’t thank me enough” (FWIW I did thank her and also wrote about it on the blog we were keeping to update people on my condition and also thanks her there… I sent her a screen shot of it and she took it back, but I will never trust her again to do anything out of the goodness of her heart)

Ha ha ha - that is hysterical … how does a baby exhibit independence exactly? Were you buckling yourself into your car seat at six months ? 😂

She said I would take the bottle and walk away instead of letting me hold her.