In the spirit of the holidays.... "Crazy Shit my Mom Says" revival

[Anonymous]

I weighed less than you do when I was nine months pregnant with you. I was not pregnant.

[Anonymous]

My aunt told me I had too many plants in the room, they would suck up the oxygen and we would suffocate.

The rest is racist so that’s all I’ve got!

[Anonymous]

"Raising children is the biggest disappointment. They never live up to your expectations."

We all put up with constant pressure and went to ivy schools and got graduate degrees and nice jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom would often loudly fart (either pretend nothing happened or ask with disdain “who did that?”)

Declaring loudly at uncle’s funeral (brother she did not like) “will you look at that expensive coffin. What a waste of good wood”

“Are you going out in that? That outfit makes you look fat” and “sex traffickers in Middle East and Africa love fat girls.”

Also regularly admonish us to “eat everything on your plate because the starving children in Africa would eat it if they could.”

On referring to people in the third person when they are in the room: “She is the cat’s mother” but when expressing her own displeasure “We are not amused”

“If you argue with me again, you’ll get the wrong end of the feather duster” (and I regularly did).

“Don't make me get the wooden spoon.”

“Put your shoes and coat on or you’ll get a chill in your kidneys.”

Whenever we lost keys, purse or whatever: “ Will you just Pray to Saint Anthony and stop bothering me” (St Anthony is the Patron Saint of lost causes)

“You’ll be the f@ckun death of me”

“Shut the f@ckun door. You weren’t born in tent.”

So many more.

You shouldve prayed to St Jude (patron saint of lost causes)! Maybe things would’ve been better. St Anthony is the patron of lost items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I weighed less than you do when I was nine months pregnant with you. I was not pregnant.

I constantly hear, “I was as small as you when I was your age. Just watch out- you’ll get heavy by 30/40/50 (whatever my next decade is).”

My aunt loves pointing out that my mom was never as thin as I am and pictures show this.

[Anonymous]

"Your dad and I were talking about how we thought your sister would be the better parent and surprisingly you are the better one."

"Larla (sister's daughter) is going to a whore when she grows up".

Me: Mom did you like the sweater I bought you?
Mom: oh yeah I did. at first i thought it was from some cheap store until I looked it up and saw how nice the brand was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was supposed to be funny. People are just posting things that are mean/sad/racist. Does anyone have anything actually funny?

When you come from dysfunction and cruelty, you learn to develop a very dark sense of humor so you don't become deeply depressed.

Racism just isn't funny or simply chalked up to dysfunction for some of us.

Saying dumb racist and often cruel stuff is being posted as funny because it is dumb and racist - it is funny in that it is so obviously off the walls crazy. And horrible, that the best way to cope is to laugh at it.

- poster who was warned she would be sex trafficked in Africa and Middle East if she did not lose weight …

There is a big difference between how you react in real life and what you later post here as having funny side to it. Comedy is often about exploring taboo or difficult subjects.

I would get into major fights with my mother about her cruel comments. I left family Events where she was making racist and homophobic remarks (more than 20 years before such views became widely unacceptable in my conservative home country. I got therapy and don’t talk like that to my kids. We now have a multi racial family which she accepts.

Please do not assume posting stuff as funny here means we condone racism or other forms of hate in any way .

It's not funny or even crazy. It's straight up racist, cruel and evil and you're minimizing that by relaying it as a quirky mom anecdote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was supposed to be funny. People are just posting things that are mean/sad/racist. Does anyone have anything actually funny?

When you come from dysfunction and cruelty, you learn to develop a very dark sense of humor so you don't become deeply depressed.

Racism just isn't funny or simply chalked up to dysfunction for some of us.

Saying dumb racist and often cruel stuff is being posted as funny because it is dumb and racist - it is funny in that it is so obviously off the walls crazy. And horrible, that the best way to cope is to laugh at it.

- poster who was warned she would be sex trafficked in Africa and Middle East if she did not lose weight …

There is a big difference between how you react in real life and what you later post here as having funny side to it. Comedy is often about exploring taboo or difficult subjects.

I would get into major fights with my mother about her cruel comments. I left family Events where she was making racist and homophobic remarks (more than 20 years before such views became widely unacceptable in my conservative home country. I got therapy and don’t talk like that to my kids. We now have a multi racial family which she accepts.

Please do not assume posting stuff as funny here means we condone racism or other forms of hate in any way .

It's not funny or even crazy. It's straight up racist, cruel and evil and you're minimizing that by relaying it as a quirky mom anecdote.

You drive away your allies.

[Anonymous]

It's not funny or even crazy. It's straight up racist, cruel and evil and you're minimizing that by relaying it as a quirky mom anecdote.

It's both funny and crazy. This is not the thread for you; just move along. Don't presume to tell the rest of us what we are allowed to find funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[
You drive away your allies.[/quote]

1000% this!!

[Anonymous]

My mom used to make us go to bed really early, even in the summer, when it was still light out and windows were open. Frankly I think she was just lazy and sick of us. She told us that a musical bus would pass by to sing us to sleep and I heard it regulary. Somewhere in mid-elementary school I found out the 'bus' was actually the ice cream truck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always love my moms aphorisms-
Go play in the street
Alternatively- go blow the stink off
Beauty is pain (said while brushing hair)
When a kid hurts themselves- oh no! Do you think you’ll be ok? Should we cut it off?
Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas
Play dumb games, win dumb prizes
Hogs get slaughtered and pigs get fed (when we were greedy)
You look rode hard and put away wet
Pot calling the kettle black
Give him two nickels for a dime and he’ll think he’s rich
Born on third base and thought he hit a home run
Kid says “I’m hungry” and she says “well I’m larla”
Get off the table, Mabel

I can’t remember them all! She’s throws them out nonstop. I know she got them from her mother. Maybe it’s something daughters pass to daughters? I’ve never heard my dad or Dh utter any of these and I say them too. She’s from the south/Midwest (Missouri)

I was nodding along in recognition with your post, but both of my parents say many of these....they both grew up in Missouri. The 'should we cut it off' response to an injury is a classic that I have picked up and use on my kid too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom would often loudly fart (either pretend nothing happened or ask with disdain “who did that?”)

Declaring loudly at uncle’s funeral (brother she did not like) “will you look at that expensive coffin. What a waste of good wood”

“Are you going out in that? That outfit makes you look fat” and “sex traffickers in Middle East and Africa love fat girls.”

Also regularly admonish us to “eat everything on your plate because the starving children in Africa would eat it if they could.”

On referring to people in the third person when they are in the room: “She is the cat’s mother” but when expressing her own displeasure “We are not amused”

“If you argue with me again, you’ll get the wrong end of the feather duster” (and I regularly did).

“Don't make me get the wooden spoon.”

“Put your shoes and coat on or you’ll get a chill in your kidneys.”

Whenever we lost keys, purse or whatever: “ Will you just Pray to Saint Anthony and stop bothering me” (St Anthony is the Patron Saint of lost causes)

“You’ll be the f@ckun death of me”

“Shut the f@ckun door. You weren’t born in tent.”

So many more.

You shouldve prayed to St Jude (patron saint of lost causes)! Maybe things would’ve been better. St Anthony is the patron of lost items.

Ha ha ha mixing up my saintly causes …

I converted from Catholicism as soon as I could - we had to pray to St Anthony for all the lost items …. 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Raising children is the biggest disappointment. They never live up to your expectations."

We all put up with constant pressure and went to ivy schools and got graduate degrees and nice jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I weighed less than you do when I was nine months pregnant with you. I was not pregnant.

Ouch … glad you can laugh about the fat shaming ! Good for you!