Help me navigate this type of argument or response with my DH
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Anonymous
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So, this is the classic format of the fights DH and I always get into and I don't know how to stop the cycle. I'm hoping someone on here can give me some sample responses that I can use to stop the cycle.
Whenever I complain to him about something he's doing, his response is always some variation of "well, you do ______(something, whatever, whether the same type of thing or something else that would justify his bad behavior). Then it automatically turns into me defending my misdeed and a discussion about what I did wrong/bad and how I need to fix it. I've tried simply apologizing for my misdeed, I've tried defending it, I've tried saying "It's not about me right now, I'm talking about your [misdeed]" and it always just becomes an argument. Here are some examples: these are made up examples trying to show the dynamic of DH's responses, so understand I'm not complaining about lights being on or mugs around the house. Example of me defending my behavior: Me: Can you stop leaving your dirty mugs all over the house? Please put them in the kitchen/sink after you use them, it's really hard keeping the house clean. DH: well, you leave your dirty socks all over the bedroom and it's a mess. Me: but they are contained in the bedroom and I pick them up and toss them in laundry. DH: But it's a mess. You talk about wanting a clean house, but your stuff is all over. Its too hard to keep the house clean with all your stuff around. [fight/discussion about me leaving socks all over the house] Another example: Me: DH, turn the lights off when you leave the room, our electric bill is really high. DH: You leave lights on all over the place. I never see you turn lights off when you leave a room. Me: I know I sometimes forget to turn the lights off too. I'm going to make a point to turn lights off too, when I leave a room. DH: It's just that it makes the bill really high. Just the other day, I went upstairs and all the lights were on in every room. You need to turn lights off. [fight/discussion about me leaving lights on] example of me apologizing: Me: DH you have to stop buying [expensive things for your hobby]. we're on a budget and spending has gotten way out of control. DH: You buy stuff too. I see new stuff in the house all the time. That's a new top you got. You're spending money too. Me: I know and I'm going to cut back too. We both need to. I'm sorry I've been spending, and looking at our bills, we need to cut back. DH: Its just that I see you spending money and it's blowing our budget. I saw a new top in the closet last week. I know you just bought it. You have to stop buying clothes. Me: I already said I know and I'm sorry and I will cut back, we both need to. DH: You need to be on a strict budget. [fight/discussion about me and my spending] Example of me trying to get back on point: Me: It really bothered me when you were telling jokes about where my family came from at tonight's party. That's really hurtful. DH: Well, you always cut me off when I'm trying to talk to people. When I was talking to John about how I liked his car, you interrupted and started talking about the color. Me: This isn't about me right now. If you have a complaint, pick a time and talk to me about it. Like I'm doing about this. I'm trying to talk about your behavior. DH: Well, you always interrupt me. It really bothers me but I let it go. But since you're bringing up what I did, it's only fair we talk about what you did. You interrupt me when I'm trying to talk to people. [fight/discussion about me interrupting DH] So, DCUM - how do I get out of this cycle? How can I discuss things that are bothering me with DH without it ALWAYS turning into what I do wrong? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you need to stop being a hypocrite...? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like "discussions" at my house a lot of the time. I try to a) choose my battles and b) time it carefully. Unless it's something egregious, if he's not in a mood where he'll be receptive, I wait until a better time. It's BS, but that's what I do. |
Anonymous
| Don't nitpick and the next time he nitpicks don't nitpick back. You need to break the pattern of both of you being childish and going tit for tat. |
Anonymous
| Marriage. Counseling. Go. |
Anonymous
| Stop talking. Start acting. Start acting more kindly. Start with yourself, Eventually, he may too. Turn a blind eye to most of his dirty mugs, pick up a few, the worst ones if it really bothers you. Turn off a light, when you think about it, if you thinks it really matters. Regarding the man he is, that he embarrasses you, sorry that's the man you married. Step away from the conversation. Others won't be influenced, like you think they will, by what he says. |
Anonymous
OP - again, those are examples and not really what I'm complaining about or what he counters with so not really being a hypocrite. |
Anonymous
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My suggestion is to rephrase your "complaint" into a request. He probably feels like you're criticizing him - which, if your samples are any indication, you kind of are. If he still gets defensive, just don't engage.
For example: You: I would really appreciate it if you could put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. DH: But you leave dirty clothes in the bedroom! You: I hear what you're saying. But I would really appreciate it if you could just put this stuff in the dishwasher. Thanks! End of discussion. Walk away or change the subject if you have to in order to avoid an argument. He heard what you said, even if he isn't acting like it, so leave it at that. |
Anonymous
| Leave post-it notes all over the place. Nail them to the wall. |
Anonymous
OP here: Those are examples to show a pattern of discussions - i'm not nitpicking and going into what we are actually talking about would be too long to write up in a post (and too personal) so I picked little small issues to make my point. Again, not the issues I'm complaining about. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks. This is really helpful and I am probably phrasing things as a complaint. This is good advice. Thank you. |
Anonymous
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My husband does something similar. We literally had this convo this morning
Me: can you not leave your running stuff in the entryway? Everyone trips over it when they come in the house. DH: You leave your bras hanging in the laundry room for weeks! Me: OK, I'll work on that, but about the running stuff... |
Anonymous
+1000 |
Anonymous
LOL love this. |
Anonymous
Somewhere in his childhood he developed a bad habit where he prefers to DEFLECT responsibility or START AN ARGUMENT / ATTACK OTHERS instead of address the issue (his issue) at hand. I would suggest counseling for this because it is ingrained and sensitive to men's egos. You do not want your children thinking this is A+ role modeling, it is terrible and destructive (to relationships and trust and communication). He needs to work on answering questions and taking responsibility for his actions. Then internalizing them and improving himself. You will need to remember to overly politely make requests, point things out, be positive more than negative. I will add that this deflection and arguing habit is a SECOND ORDER CONDITION of something else. The first order condition is his constant forgetfulness, errors, carelessness, immaturity. He needs to get it together. Best case this is ADHD Inattentive and he can get help remembering and organizing things in his life in a way that works for him. Worst case is he is lazy, stupid, misogynist, narcissistic, or all of the above. |