Help me navigate this type of argument or response with my DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP 15:31 did sort of what I did.

I stopped asking about this stuff for a while, and then when we were in a good place I said something like this:

"I know I nag you a lot about the socks/lights (whatever.) And I fully acknowledge that tidying the house is a bigger deal to me than it is to you, and that's totally fair. The thing is, seeing all the socks around the house makes me so anxious and unhappy. I realize it seems silly, but it just does."

It really worked. Framing it as him doing it for ME out of his love and respect for me worked way better than getting him to do it because it's clearly the right way to live. Etc.

Great job. Love the way you made that happen. Really.

[Anonymous]

Stop being a hypocrite and nitpicking. Instead why don’t both of you when you’re not in the heat of the moment sit down and make a list of things you’d appreciate the other half doing. Please note you should sit down with relaxing music, aromatheraputic smells and a snack. Make a list and then discuss the list. Note: During said discussion don’t argue or nitpick each other and watch your body language, everyone has quirks. Stop being so damn controlling and let the man live. You also need to live, no one likes to be critized for stupid petty things.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, take this for what it's worth. I'm a marriage therapist and I've been married for 30 years.

It doesn't matter what your husband is doing, you are the one that needs to change because he may never change.

First piece of advice - pick up the mugs yourself and put them in the sink. Don't want to do that? Okay, then be prepared to have this discussion about dirty mugs for another 20 years. This is so easy for you to just take care of, who cares if it's "your" job or "his" job.

Second, if you are going to make an issue of the mugs just use a few words, no need to go on and on since you've probably had this conversation a hundred times.

"I would really appreciate it if you would put your mugs in the sink."

End of discussion. He can retort with whatever he'd like, just say "mmm hmmm" and keep on moving through your day.

Same with the lights example.

The money thing - I believe if their is enough money for the essentials then nobody has any business telling anybody else how to spend money. Again, you may disagree but you wouldn't like it if it was done to you.

And my last piece of advice, stop watching everything he does and says, he's allowed to not be perfect and so are you. Let it go.

I've also been married 30+ years, and this advice is spot on. Maybe if I'd talked to you it wouldn't have taken me 20 years to figure it out!

[Anonymous]

I can see that you really want to communicate better with your husband. Maybe consider rephrasing what you are complaining about. People get very defensive when they are being accused of doing something wrong. When you are complaining it immediately puts your DH in defense mode. There are some good articles on this website [https://bit.ly/2kejlOE] that will help you communicate better with your husband. Maybe consider your voice tones as well. Speaking in a calm and non-condescending voice will help with communication. Maybe consider marriage counseling to help the two of you with improving your communication. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Since it is all things you both do...don't point the finger at him. Talk about how you both need to do a better job. For example:

you: I noticed our electricity bill is running high. I know we get careless and leave lights on. Lets make a concerted effort this week to turn lights off when we leave the room.

you: the house is getting a little messy. I am going to go clean all my shit up in the bedroom thats all over the floor, could you collect your mugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, take this for what it's worth. I'm a marriage therapist and I've been married for 30 years.

It doesn't matter what your husband is doing, you are the one that needs to change because he may never change.

First piece of advice - pick up the mugs yourself and put them in the sink. Don't want to do that? Okay, then be prepared to have this discussion about dirty mugs for another 20 years. This is so easy for you to just take care of, who cares if it's "your" job or "his" job.

Second, if you are going to make an issue of the mugs just use a few words, no need to go on and on since you've probably had this conversation a hundred times.

"I would really appreciate it if you would put your mugs in the sink."

End of discussion. He can retort with whatever he'd like, just say "mmm hmmm" and keep on moving through your day.

Same with the lights example.

The money thing - I believe if their is enough money for the essentials then nobody has any business telling anybody else how to spend money. Again, you may disagree but you wouldn't like it if it was done to you.

And my last piece of advice, stop watching everything he does and says, he's allowed to not be perfect and so are you. Let it go.

I have to say that you must not be a good therapist. Someone has an issue with their partner and your first piece of advice is to just accept it and work around it (pick up mugs yourself)? Shouldn't you be giving advice on how to better communicate with your partner? I mean other posters are saying "go to therapy to learn to communicate better." If they went to you, you'd just say to not bring it up and do it yourself - basically "just deal with it." Bad advice.

Second - and this is just advice to you (take it or leave it, but I've been to therapy for years and years with different therapists) but when a client is giving you an example of something that bothers her, don't assume absolutes. Your last piece of advice is predicated on an assumption that they're watching everything he does and says. Bad assumption and a dangerous one for a therapist to make.

Maybe take come continuing education courses or something to freshen up your skills.

Not everyone is going to like what I advise. They want to continue doing what they've been doing and hope their partner will magically change. If you want things to change then you have to do it. Pick up the damn mugs. They aren't bothering him, they're bothering you. He isn't leaving them there because he doesn't love you or care about your needs, he's leaving them there because cleaning them up isn't important to him. Be angry about it forever or decide to let it go, he's got 10,000 traits and 100 of them will suck. Try to put it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since it is all things you both do...don't point the finger at him. Talk about how you both need to do a better job. For example:

you: I noticed our electricity bill is running high. I know we get careless and leave lights on. Lets make a concerted effort this week to turn lights off when we leave the room.

you: the house is getting a little messy. I am going to go clean all my shit up in the bedroom thats all over the floor, could you collect your mugs?

I think this is the winner, or at least to me. I think this approach doens't isolate anyone's misdeeds but instead approaches it like a team goal, and then assigns tasks to each person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, take this for what it's worth. I'm a marriage therapist and I've been married for 30 years.

It doesn't matter what your husband is doing, you are the one that needs to change because he may never change.

First piece of advice - pick up the mugs yourself and put them in the sink. Don't want to do that? Okay, then be prepared to have this discussion about dirty mugs for another 20 years. This is so easy for you to just take care of, who cares if it's "your" job or "his" job.

Second, if you are going to make an issue of the mugs just use a few words, no need to go on and on since you've probably had this conversation a hundred times.

"I would really appreciate it if you would put your mugs in the sink."

End of discussion. He can retort with whatever he'd like, just say "mmm hmmm" and keep on moving through your day.

Same with the lights example.

The money thing - I believe if their is enough money for the essentials then nobody has any business telling anybody else how to spend money. Again, you may disagree but you wouldn't like it if it was done to you.

And my last piece of advice, stop watching everything he does and says, he's allowed to not be perfect and so are you. Let it go.

I have to say that you must not be a good therapist. Someone has an issue with their partner and your first piece of advice is to just accept it and work around it (pick up mugs yourself)? Shouldn't you be giving advice on how to better communicate with your partner? I mean other posters are saying "go to therapy to learn to communicate better." If they went to you, you'd just say to not bring it up and do it yourself - basically "just deal with it." Bad advice.

Second - and this is just advice to you (take it or leave it, but I've been to therapy for years and years with different therapists) but when a client is giving you an example of something that bothers her, don't assume absolutes. Your last piece of advice is predicated on an assumption that they're watching everything he does and says. Bad assumption and a dangerous one for a therapist to make.

Maybe take come continuing education courses or something to freshen up your skills.

Not everyone is going to like what I advise. They want to continue doing what they've been doing and hope their partner will magically change. If you want things to change then you have to do it. Pick up the damn mugs. They aren't bothering him, they're bothering you. He isn't leaving them there because he doesn't love you or care about your needs, he's leaving them there because cleaning them up isn't important to him. Be angry about it forever or decide to let it go, he's got 10,000 traits and 100 of them will suck. Try to put it in perspective.

I like you.

[Anonymous]

Me too!

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are the problem. You are starting the arguments. And we can't help you if you can't even give real examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a f***ing mug.

I guess you missed the part where it's actually NOT a f***ing mug, but bigger issues, right?

It’s only a “bigger issue” if you make it so.