To those of us who lost babies...would you welcome this thread

[Anonymous]

Seems there are many of us who lost babies late term, soon after birth or even later. A few of us have shared kind words in the paranormal thread. Our common tie is that we never forget them and despite having children, we never let go of those we lost. It is a very lonely club, especially when many years have passed. I personally compartmentalize and live my life having a profound understanding that joy and sadness can coexist. Someone told me this 13 years ago as I struggled with overwhelming joy for DS and the heartbreaking loss of his twin. I couldn’t figure out a way to ever be the optimistic and joyful person I once was. The coexistence comment resonated so deeply. I was paralyzed by thoughts of protection, is he afraid and lost. He can’t possibly be in a better place when being in my arms is the safest place for him. I’m sure you all feel this way. Join in and and maybe we can all become new friends and share thoughts in a safe, anonymous forum.

Let’s see how it goes...if it’s too painful and no one joins in, I’ll delete the topic. I did not want to post this in General Parenting Discussion, seems inappropriate and our circumstances shouldn’t damper those who’ve thankfully never experienced this loss.

[Anonymous]

I have not lost a child, but a nephew. My brother often talks about the existence of joy and sorrow. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never lost a child, but I did lose my young nephew less than a year ago. He was my first “baby” (born several years before my own child), I loved him so. I don’t dare compare my grief to that of his mother (my sister), but I think about him every day, and often wish I had more time with him. It’s been the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve lost many in my family.

My sister is still early in her grief, and she expresses anguish all the time at being a part of this “club” that nobody ever wants to be in. She is learning to coexist with joy (she has another child) and pain.

I wish you peace, and peace to all the other parents who’ve experienced the loss of a child.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree, OP. I am able to enjoy every moment with my kids (DS12 & DD4) but it is always always still present - he fact that there should be also a DS8. He wasn’t full term but near term and I had to go through the delivery knowing the baby kicking and moving around on ultrasound would not survive more than a couple hours.

I was so scared and angry and bitter for a couple years but now I just know you shouldn’t ever be too sure that your life is perfect because at the drop of a hat it can all change. So I try to enjoy every experience with my family with gratitude and joy, but never forget or take it for granted.

[Anonymous]

I've made a very conscious choice to keep joy in my heart for my living kids. I don't want them to look back and think "we had a great life till IT happened." I'm trying to ensure they have a great life now and see their parents laugh and see them interested and not just coexisting. I had to take it a long time because it ever came naturally. I've spoke of this moment before on this board but I will never ever forget the first time I truly laughed after his death. I was sitting on my front porch gossiping about some petty shit and my mom made a reference that just cracked me up. Like really laughed. Not forced laughter because you don't want ppl around you to feel uncomfortable, not fake laughter you give your other children mindlessly so they know you are listening, but real "that's funny" laughing. It taught me that there would be laughter again and I woukd.not have to manufactor every happy moment. I think of that day often when I'm struggling. My thoughts and strength are with anyone on a similar.journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've made a very conscious choice to keep joy in my heart for my living kids. I don't want them to look back and think "we had a great life till IT happened." I'm trying to ensure they have a great life now and see their parents laugh and see them interested and not just coexisting. I had to take it a long time because it ever came naturally. I've spoke of this moment before on this board but I will never ever forget the first time I truly laughed after his death. I was sitting on my front porch gossiping about some petty shit and my mom made a reference that just cracked me up. Like really laughed. Not forced laughter because you don't want ppl around you to feel uncomfortable, not fake laughter you give your other children mindlessly so they know you are listening, but real "that's funny" laughing. It taught me that there would be laughter again and I woukd.not have to manufactor every happy moment. I think of that day often when I'm struggling. My thoughts and strength are with anyone on a similar.journey.

Pp here. One thing I wanted to add is it was my mom who was able to bring out that laughter. It's as if the woman who gave me life was the only one who could bring me back to life after my soul had died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not lost a child, but a nephew. My brother often talks about the existence of joy and sorrow. I am sorry for your loss.

It is the hardest loss and I am so sorry for your brother (and you). When someone you love goes through it, especially a sibling you feel helpless not knowing how to comfort them. Please tell your brother he’s not alone, my DH feels the same and it oddly creeps up on him at the most random times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never lost a child, but I did lose my young nephew less than a year ago. He was my first “baby” (born several years before my own child), I loved him so. I don’t dare compare my grief to that of his mother (my sister), but I think about him every day, and often wish I had more time with him. It’s been the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve lost many in my family.

My sister is still early in her grief, and she expresses anguish all the time at being a part of this “club” that nobody ever wants to be in. She is learning to coexist with joy (she has another child) and pain.

I wish you peace, and peace to all the other parents who’ve experienced the loss of a child.

Your grief losing a beloved nephew is real and you also have to carry the pain that your sister is going through, and that is tremendous. My niece is now 21, and she was the first. I took her everywhere, she was always with me. My love for her is the same as if she were my own. There’s no measurement of love. I am so sorry. I fully empathize with your sister because I felt the same, at the time. As time goes on, it becomes a silent part of existence. Please let her know that I’m thinking of her and her boy right now and I am sorry. I just thought right now that if there is a heaven, these children find each other (wouldn’t that be beautiful).

[Anonymous]

I just lost my baby 20 days ago, though my loss was not "late term." It is still an enormous loss with insurmountable grief.

When my baby died, I lost my child, my dreams for the future, my everything.

I lost the opportunity to celebrate my child's birth.
I lost the opportunity to hear my child's first worda.
I lost the opportunity to see my child walk.
I lost the opportunity to celebrate all birthdays.
I lost the opportunity to celebrate first days of school.
I lost the opportunity to see my child graduate from high school and college.

I lost all my dreams.

It is a pain that has no comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally agree, OP. I am able to enjoy every moment with my kids (DS12 & DD4) but it is always always still present - he fact that there should be also a DS8. He wasn’t full term but near term and I had to go through the delivery knowing the baby kicking and moving around on ultrasound would not survive more than a couple hours.

I was so scared and angry and bitter for a couple years but now I just know you shouldn’t ever be too sure that your life is perfect because at the drop of a hat it can all change. So I try to enjoy every experience with my family with gratitude and joy, but never forget or take it for granted.

It’s OP - I’m sooooo sorry! Most don't realize the level of trauma it is to deliver like you did. I also delivered my still born late term and continued on with pregnancy for a week with his fraternal twin. I’m right beside you with the ever present. But, I also have so my joy and appreciation, as well. Mine is 15 now and a beautiful soul, such a young gentleman which is really cool! But, I miss that 4 year old age...so yummy! Peace to you and your family, always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've made a very conscious choice to keep joy in my heart for my living kids. I don't want them to look back and think "we had a great life till IT happened." I'm trying to ensure they have a great life now and see their parents laugh and see them interested and not just coexisting. I had to take it a long time because it ever came naturally. I've spoke of this moment before on this board but I will never ever forget the first time I truly laughed after his death. I was sitting on my front porch gossiping about some petty shit and my mom made a reference that just cracked me up. Like really laughed. Not forced laughter because you don't want ppl around you to feel uncomfortable, not fake laughter you give your other children mindlessly so they know you are listening, but real "that's funny" laughing. It taught me that there would be laughter again and I woukd.not have to manufactor every happy moment. I think of that day often when I'm struggling. My thoughts and strength are with anyone on a similar.journey.

Pp here. One thing I wanted to add is it was my mom who was able to bring out that laughter. It's as if the woman who gave me life was the only one who could bring me back to life after my soul had died.

It’s OP- OMG that’s is such a beautiful sentiment and tribute to your mother! Mine was a saint, but literally felt my pain as if it was her own for a very long time. But, my DS (his twin) and mom connected so deeply and their interactions were hilarious, especially during the toddler years. Bravo to your mom and peace to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. We lost our stillborn baby girl at 23 1/2 weeks due to infection. Even though we have a healthy baby 15 months later, I still think about her from time to time. I always wonder what it is like to see her growing up and am still sad about not having that opportunity.

Before that experience, I did not think anything bad would happen to us or our children. It did, and I'm worried and scared more now when something happens to our children (sick, allergic reaction, etc.). I try not taking things for granted and enjoying my time with them.

Our daughter's preschool teacher who also had lost a stillborn baby long time ago told us that the pain might go away but we will never forget.
We always remember our precious daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just lost my baby 20 days ago, though my loss was not "late term." It is still an enormous loss with insurmountable grief.

When my baby died, I lost my child, my dreams for the future, my everything.

I lost the opportunity to celebrate my child's birth.
I lost the opportunity to hear my child's first worda.
I lost the opportunity to see my child walk.
I lost the opportunity to celebrate all birthdays.
I lost the opportunity to celebrate first days of school.
I lost the opportunity to see my child graduate from high school and college.

I lost all my dreams.

It is a pain that has no comparison.

It’s OP - 20 days ago I am so very sorry! My tears right now are for you. I wish I could offer you words of comfort. But, I can’t. I’m human and went through it and it certainly is a pain that has no comparison. It’s like having the wind knocked out of you. If it helps at all, I will be thinking of you today, all day. I’ll be thinking of your child and praying for the peace you will find in time. Take special care of yourself right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We lost our stillborn baby girl at 23 1/2 weeks due to infection. Even though we have a healthy baby 15 months later, I still think about her from time to time. I always wonder what it is like to see her growing up and am still sad about not having that opportunity.

Before that experience, I did not think anything bad would happen to us or our children. It did, and I'm worried and scared more now when something happens to our children (sick, allergic reaction, etc.). I try not taking things for granted and enjoying my time with them.

Our daughter's preschool teacher who also had lost a stillborn baby long time ago told us that the pain might go away but we will never forget.
We always remember our precious daughter.

It’s OP - I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. It’s tremendous pain and we never forget our beautiful daughters and sons. I love that you posted here, as a guy and dad! The pain you feel as a father is so different because you probably feel helpless. As equal as genders are supposed to be in these times...you are a man and father, essentially a protector. I say this because this is how my DH (husband) felt. Helpless because he could not do anything to prevent it. And worse because you have to deal with your own grief and continue to protect your significant other’s heart while she’s dealing with her emotional and physical pain. You said you lost DD some time ago, but maybe no one ever put your feelings into perspective. I hope that I helped a little. As far as going forward, yup it’s makes us very in tune to keeping our kids safe and healthy. Not that others do not. We’re hypervigilent because we just are. Can’t really explain it. You keep doing you (dad)! Your kids are so lucky to have you! Hopefully, you’ll be able to help another father who finds the need to come here. Peace, good health and happiness to you and you family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just lost my baby 20 days ago, though my loss was not "late term." It is still an enormous loss with insurmountable grief.

When my baby died, I lost my child, my dreams for the future, my everything.

I lost the opportunity to celebrate my child's birth.
I lost the opportunity to hear my child's first worda.
I lost the opportunity to see my child walk.
I lost the opportunity to celebrate all birthdays.
I lost the opportunity to celebrate first days of school.
I lost the opportunity to see my child graduate from high school and college.

I lost all my dreams.

It is a pain that has no comparison.

It’s OP - 20 days ago I am so very sorry! My tears right now are for you. I wish I could offer you words of comfort. But, I can’t. I’m human and went through it and it certainly is a pain that has no comparison. It’s like having the wind knocked out of you. If it helps at all, I will be thinking of you today, all day. I’ll be thinking of your child and praying for the peace you will find in time. Take special care of yourself right now.

Thank you.

Sachnday, it's getting a little easier to breathe and smile. I still have a huge cry each morning, but I'm learning to cope. Slowly.