To those of us who lost babies...would you welcome this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that it is a lonely place because, in my case, I was the only one who knew this child. I felt him, he kicked me, I fed him, I woke him up, he fell asleep inside me. He twisted and turned inside me. When he wanted to stretch out, he used to put his feet right under my liver.
It is lonely and it separates me from my husband and my children. I am strong for my kids, but otherwise, it really sucks.

It’s OP - Of course. I’m so sorry that you lost your son. I understand exactly how you feel. Sometimes DHs are more consumed with our pain than their own and want to fix it and make it go away. As time goes on, it goes away for some and not others. We feel what we feel and need to accept it. Sometimes it’s that silent ache. Do you believe that your sadness can coexist with the joy of your DH and children? Or does it make you feel guilty if you don’t think of your son in those happy moments? That’s a hard hurdle. Somehow, it just happens when you’re not expecting it. I hope this happens for you. You didn’t mention how long ago it was that you lost him, not that it matters. Some of us can live in the present, some both the present and past. I modifed a snippet from an EE Cummings poem, that I etched into my fireplace stone. I don’t look at it that often anymore, but when I happen to walk past it, I run my fingers across the etching. I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart, wherever I go, you go, my love

[Anonymous]

My mom got pregnant at 16 and dropped out of high school to marry my dad at my grandmother's insistence. This was 1958, so times were very different both culturally and medically. The baby was born two months early and died two weeks later. Even though my parents went on to have seven (!) more kids (I'm the youngest,) we always considered the baby who died to be our brother. We talk about him periodically, and he's as much a part of our family as he would be if he were here with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't relate to anything you said. I don't think of myself as having three children, just the two who are alive. I don't think of myself as having "an angel in heaven" or any of that stuff. I moved on. I never think about it except when someone comes along and tells me how I must feel because I lost a pregnancy at 31 weeks. And then all I feel is annoyed. I have to deal with who is HERE. It happened, it sucked, and I moved on.

OK, but you do realize that we are all different right? Please let us mourn without guilt.

Of course we're all different. But just like you're doing here, when I express my feelings on this issue, I am basically shushed, because I don't feel the way the majority of people talking about it seem to feel. Just like I feel zero guilt about my abortion, and in my entire life have only heard one other woman (in person) say she feels the same way.

I was asked if I, as someone who "lost babies" would welcome this thread. I'm allowed to have the answer of "no." Maybe OP phrased it wrong and should have said "If you lost a baby and would like to talk about it, come here to this thread." And then I would have just skipped by it. But that's not what she asked.

It’s OP - You are right. I didn’t post this topic to only get similar responses. I thought everyone’s input about their experience would help others who’ve experienced the same. I admire your strength and do not judge your feelings at all. Your post might help someone else who feels exactly as you do. So that’s a good thing, right? Maybe someone didn’t post here because they were hesitant to say that they’ve moved on and would be judged for it. We all must move on and keep going for our families. I am glad that you’re at peace and your kids have an honest & strong mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom got pregnant at 16 and dropped out of high school to marry my dad at my grandmother's insistence. This was 1958, so times were very different both culturally and medically. The baby was born two months early and died two weeks later. Even though my parents went on to have seven (!) more kids (I'm the youngest,) we always considered the baby who died to be our brother. We talk about him periodically, and he's as much a part of our family as he would be if he were here with us.

It’s OP - Wow it’s incredible that your mom made sure that all 7 of you knew that your brother’s existence mattered to her family, I love her! Thanks for posting. This poem might be perfect for your family...EE Cummings, I Carry Your Heart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny you would post this today as I was thinking about my daughter that I lost five years ago after I passed by this charter school. I got upset thinking about how she won't get to go to school. Ever.

It’s OP - So sorry that you lost your daughter. Five years is not long. I understand the triggers. Still happens to me, even 15 years later. I hope this thread helped today. So many of us share your loss and pain. Wishing you peace xo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom got pregnant at 16 and dropped out of high school to marry my dad at my grandmother's insistence. This was 1958, so times were very different both culturally and medically. The baby was born two months early and died two weeks later. Even though my parents went on to have seven (!) more kids (I'm the youngest,) we always considered the baby who died to be our brother. We talk about him periodically, and he's as much a part of our family as he would be if he were here with us.

You kids were great because you validated his life by referring to him as your brother.

[Anonymous]

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, but my loss was on the earlier side of this discussion. It was horrible at the time, and my first day back to work was coincidentally “take your child to work day”. I almost turned around and walked out, but I decided to tough it out. Then the young child of a colleague just happened to see me and ran over and gave me a big hug and decided to be my friend for the morning. It turned out to be just what I needed that day.

I think if I hadn’t been able to get pregnant again relatively quickly (or ever), it would spend a lot more time in my mind. But I don’t think about missed milestones at all. Everyone is different. OP, you do what you need to do to get through the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster from this morning who was happy to find this thread because you lost a baby a few years ago, posted about it on DCUM and it was deleted...this is OP, come back! It seems as if your post from this morning (and my reply) was deleted among some others that were whining about placement of the thread. I hope you do come back!

Thanks for reaching out, OP. I'm so sad that I keep getting deleted. Apparently I have offended someone terribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster from this morning who was happy to find this thread because you lost a baby a few years ago, posted about it on DCUM and it was deleted...this is OP, come back! It seems as if your post from this morning (and my reply) was deleted among some others that were whining about placement of the thread. I hope you do come back!

Thanks for reaching out, OP. I'm so sad that I keep getting deleted. Apparently I have offended someone terribly.

I'm so sorry.

I wish none of us had to post in this thread because none of us should be in this situation. Parents are not supposed to survive their children.

This is the club in which no one wants to be a member. I'm so sorry you are a member, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster from this morning who was happy to find this thread because you lost a baby a few years ago, posted about it on DCUM and it was deleted...this is OP, come back! It seems as if your post from this morning (and my reply) was deleted among some others that were whining about placement of the thread. I hope you do come back!

Thanks for reaching out, OP. I'm so sad that I keep getting deleted. Apparently I have offended someone terribly.

It’s OP - no you didn’t offend anyone in your post years ago or this one. I asked moderator why deleted then and now (in wedsite feedback). He explained that your post from a few years ago was merely blocked to keep negative posters away. He saw a few on this thread right after yours and deleted them and the exchange we had. You are welcome here. He said he’d never delete posts from actual grieving parents, only those replying inappropriately. I never got a chance to hear your story and I am sorry. I’ll check back at least once a day. Be well till then...

[Anonymous]

I lost my baby when she was 7 weeks old from an undiagnosed heart defect. There's a great memoir written by a woman whose son was stillborn at full-term and in it she writes, "It's a happy life and someone is missing." I feel like that quote captures my life and grief perfectly. Hugs to all of you who have lost children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my baby when she was 7 weeks old from an undiagnosed heart defect. There's a great memoir written by a woman whose son was stillborn at full-term and in it she writes, "It's a happy life and someone is missing." I feel like that quote captures my life and grief perfectly. Hugs to all of you who have lost children.

Yes, it is that nagging feeling of someone missing. I feel like I am the only one who knows he was supposed to be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my baby when she was 7 weeks old from an undiagnosed heart defect. There's a great memoir written by a woman whose son was stillborn at full-term and in it she writes, "It's a happy life and someone is missing." I feel like that quote captures my life and grief perfectly. Hugs to all of you who have lost children.

Yes, it is that nagging feeling of someone missing. I feel like I am the only one who knows he was supposed to be here.

I'm having this feeling today-- that someone is missing. I am not sure why this feeling is occurring so randomly today.

I lost my baby five-and-a-half weeks ago. I should be almost 16 weeks pregnant now. Today isn't a "milestone " day such as the due date, so I'm not sure why this is happening today. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Think of the Sandy Hook parents!

[Anonymous]

I’m confused by this thread. Is this for parents who an unborn child babies who die in utero, or children who die SIDS and older? .