Rude to ask if someone is a boy or a girl?

[Anonymous]

DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

[Anonymous]

With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are asking for the impossible.

[Anonymous]

Rude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

It is rude, but I've heard this question more than once when people are looking at my kids. My oldest looked like a beautiful girl when he was a baby/toddler. I would dress him in all blue with a baseball hat and people were still unsure and felt the need to ask for some reason. My youngest boy has long (below the ear/almost shoulder length) curly hair. He likes it long and I think short hair accents his oval face too much. He was dressed "like a boy" when someone recently told him that they couldn't tell what he was and proceeded to ask him. DS was horrified by this.
Op, I wouldn't bring up gender identification until your is a little older and able to better grasp the complexities of the situation. I also think that your son should just use his friend's name and not worry about whether its a girl or a boy. This will likely be hard for him because we are all used to putting people into neat categories; male/female, black/white, etc. and that's what we teach our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

You would ask if a child "identifies" as a boy or girl? Are you kidding me?

[Anonymous]

Just to add to other comments, if the child is not yet clear how they identify, this could be awkward for them to respond to.

[Anonymous]

Your kid (or you) could ask one of the counselors whether people should use he or she or they when talking about the other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Call up that GDS school and ask how they present it to little kids. Straightforwardly is usually the best approach. It's 2018 and no one really knows how transgender kids will turn out, or how many times they will switch genders in their mind, or if hormones and surgeries will happen or need to be reversed. There are every which story out there, but all extremely rare.

For now I'd just say "the kid wants to be identified as a girl if she wore a bikini, so just go along with it and play with everyone."

[Anonymous]

Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

youre going to get some cisgender "they" BS then. you call identity-changing person "they" no matter singular or plural.

I would redirect my child to doing something productive and just be kind to all. It's not a game to change your gender or identity so I hope whatever child is doing so is not confused or crying out for something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

You would ask if a child "identifies" as a boy or girl? Are you kidding me?

yes, choose your own gender any day.

try to figure out the kids' parents, that will give you a clue into how liberal or faddish this is or not. Medical industry and doctors have a hard time now distinguishing between true cases where child or young adult is truly unhappy with his/her sex versus a liberal kid who heard there is a option to change it up.

[Anonymous]

I disagree and say the child can ask the question. If the child isn't judging the response and just is curious, then ask. Gender is a big deal, as evidenced by people wanting to be identified correctly. Let them identify themselves how they want and our children need to learn how to accept that identification. If you tell your kids that they can't observe and then request additional information, what are you teaching them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.