Rude to ask if someone is a boy or a girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He sounds like a boy and
acts like a boy but when we went swimming
he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?"
XX has an androgynous name.

How does a boy "sound" and "act"? I'd be really upset if my kid decided gender on how a kid acts. In this case, I don't even get why you believe this is a legitimate question.

But, as a parent of a gender non-conforming child, I will say this. It would be offensive in this circumstance for someone to ask. Frankly, it's just plain sexist. If there were a reason to have a legitimate question, neither I nor my child would be offended if a classmate asked about gender if they were truly interested. However, if they were close enough for this question to be asked, then they would already know the answer.

It is always offensive if an adult asks this to a child. And, even when the question is asked by kids, it is often a precursor for bullying and mean spirited behavior.

This is such an odd way to go through life. He's in camp with *this other child*. That's a legitimate reason to want to know who the person is, how to refer to the person. That's not offensive or sexist. It's social, it's human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 7 how does a child SOUND like a boy? You can't tell the genders apart based on voice. What does it mean to ACT like a boy when you're 7?

Do you have any/know any 7 year olds? It is generally pretty easy to tell the girls from the boys.

Yes, in my DS's class, there was one boy with long hair (pony tails, french braids, etc.) who dressed in gender-neutral clothes. He had a boy-name and acted like a boy. He was a boy.

[Anonymous]

I’ve taught my son to say “Hi, my name is X and I like to use He/Him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” If he is not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taught my son to say “Hi, my name is X and I like to use He/Him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” If he is not sure.

We also focus on the idea that people are the gender they say they are no matter how they look, dress, act, who they choose to play with, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He sounds like a boy and
acts like a boy but when we went swimming
he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?"
XX has an androgynous name.

How does a boy "sound" and "act"? I'd be really upset if my kid decided gender on how a kid acts. In this case, I don't even get why you believe this is a legitimate question.

But, as a parent of a gender non-conforming child, I will say this. It would be offensive in this circumstance for someone to ask. Frankly, it's just plain sexist. If there were a reason to have a legitimate question, neither I nor my child would be offended if a classmate asked about gender if they were truly interested. However, if they were close enough for this question to be asked, then they would already know the answer.

It is always offensive if an adult asks this to a child. And, even when the question is asked by kids, it is often a precursor for bullying and mean spirited behavior.

Oh, please! You know exactly what OP meant, no need to pretend to be obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taught my son to say “Hi, my name is X and I like to use He/Him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” If he is not sure.

We also focus on the idea that [b]people are the gender they say they are no matter how they look, dress, act, who they choose to play with, etc.[/b]

Well that the question here isn't it? Which gender does this person say they are?

[Anonymous]

A couple of years ago my then six-year-old went to camp with a girl who looked like a boy. That girl was wearing boys clothes, had her cut accordingly and, from the distance, looked very masculine. So, after picking DD up, I said something along the lines of, "Oh, I saw you playing with that boy", and she said "No, Mom, it is not a boy, it is a girl". So, in that case, I wasn't able to tell the difference (well, in all fairness, I didn't spend any time with that kid, it was just a quick glance), and my kid was.

So, OP, I think there is nothing wrong for your 7-year-old to ask. I think he already did, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taught my son to say “Hi, my name is X and I like to use He/Him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” If he is not sure.

I don't think my 7 year old knows what a pronoun is yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Do you know them? Do you know anything about this family? If it's the family I think it is, then they are extremely caring and have done the right thing by their daughter, including speaking to many experts. Not "allowing" a trans child to transition leaves the child at a very high risk of suicide by the time he or she reaches their teens.

A preschool kid is just a kid.

He or she does not identify as anything.

Sometimes they think they are firefighters. Sometimes they think they are puppies. Or princesses. Or mickey mouse. Or a Ninja.

The rest is just fashion.

Mom and dad are idiots to put this on a toddler just out of diapers.

This is about the 3 year old's parent either having an agenda or wanting to be cool. This is selfish and not at all about the child and his or her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taught my son to say “Hi, my name is X and I like to use He/Him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” If he is not sure.

I don't think my 7 year old knows what a pronoun is yet.

Mad Libs. It's a great way to learn parts of speech.

My 7 year old knows what pronouns are, but I doubt he knows what pronouns he uses. It's an awkward and indirect question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taught my son to say “Hi, my name is X and I like to use He/Him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” If he is not sure.

I don't think my 7 year old knows what a pronoun is yet.

It's a 30 second conversation that's very simple. Are you incapable of communicating with your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid (or you) could ask one of the counselors whether people should use he or she or they when talking about the other child.

They is plural.

using unisex pronouns like THEY is the thing to do now to not offend anyone of any gender or those kids experimenting with changing their gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the kids name start with S? If so, he's a boy but doesn't mind being called a girl.

what on earth does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Do you know them? Do you know anything about this family? If it's the family I think it is, then they are extremely caring and have done the right thing by their daughter, including speaking to many experts. Not "allowing" a trans child to transition leaves the child at a very high risk of suicide by the time he or she reaches their teens.

A preschool kid is just a kid.

He or she does not identify as anything.

Sometimes they think they are firefighters. Sometimes they think they are puppies. Or princesses. Or mickey mouse. Or a Ninja.

The rest is just fashion.

Mom and dad are idiots to put this on a toddler just out of diapers.

This is about the 3 year old's parent either having an agenda or wanting to be cool. This is selfish and not at all about the child and his or her needs.

I agree. This is selfish and narcissistic parenting.

[Anonymous]

When my daughter was 4, about 35 years ago, at a conference with her Montessori preschool teacher the teacher told us the other kids were not sure if my daughter was a boy or a girl. She had slightly long hair, never chose to wear dresses, and had a name that could go either way.

The teacher said it was interesting to watch this dynamic but had no desire to influence it. She said basically it just meant that both boys and girls seemed very comfortable playing with my daughter. My daughter never mentioned any of this at home.

By the way, she never has had any confusion about her gender or sexuality and turned out to be fairly feminine, although quite confident and independent.