Rude to ask if someone is a boy or a girl?

[Anonymous]

It can be hard to know how to navigate these issues as an adult, let alone to help guide children who are too young to fully understand the concept of gender. For most kids, the actual answer wouldn't matter one way or the other. I think most kids would just like to have an answer. They are trying to figure out the world around them and how to relate to others. If kids are asking the question out of curiosity and are being genuine, is it truly rude? If someone is asking to be a bully or in a sarcastic way, then yes, I think that's rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

I think what I would focus on in your situation is that kids can act however they want. There's no acting like a boy or acting like a girl. There's acting like a human and followign whatever interests you might have. I would say if the kid put on a bikini, kid is probably a girl. But don't ask. Play with kid. Be kind. Carry on.

In all likelihood, girl is probably what us old timers would call a "tomboy". Plain and simple. And in 2018, we turn that into a transgender mindbender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Please, please do not do this. For an adult, for a child, for anyone. This question is extremely offensive. If you don't know what pronoun to use, don't use one. Period.

I can't see how this is the correct answer. The most current thinking is that using the correct name and pronoun for a person reduces the risk of suicide. How does one make sure that one is using the correct name and pronoun? By asking, and then by doing. Not by avoiding the issue entirely.

NP here. One take I have on this is that it's a balance of entitlement to information to benefit your own curiosity vs becoming close enough to the person that you want to make them as welcomed as possible and refer to them in their preferred mode.

Hard for kids to figure out especially, but helping them see this distinction has potential beneficial applications outside of this specific scenario too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Please, please do not do this. For an adult, for a child, for anyone. This question is extremely offensive. If you don't know what pronoun to use, don't use one. Period.

I can't see how this is the correct answer. The most current thinking is that using the correct name and pronoun for a person reduces the risk of suicide. How does one make sure that one is using the correct name and pronoun? By asking, and then by doing. Not by avoiding the issue entirely.

NP here. One take I have on this is that it's a balance of entitlement to information to benefit your own curiosity vs becoming close enough to the person that you want to make them as welcomed as possible and refer to them in their preferred mode.

Hard for kids to figure out especially, but helping them see this distinction has potential beneficial applications outside of this specific scenario too.

+1

Like asking a stranger vs a friend "how did you get that scar on your face?"

[Anonymous]

The question isn't "extremely offensive" as some other posters put it. At most, it might be a bit rude. For kids under 10, questions that would be considered somewhat rude as adults are normal behavior. It's a normal part of growth and does not equate rejecting them as people or bullying. It's just a question. Our baggage as adults is coloring this conversation. It's silly.

[Anonymous]

Did anybody else find themselves thinking of this dated Saturday Night Live clip? The portrayal of the main character is kind of offensive, but the guy's confusion and the ways he tries to work around it reminded me of this conversation online:
https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/pat-at-the-office/n9988

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

Yep. They’re kind of famous for it. It’s not unreasonable for your son to want to know how to refer to a kid he’s playing with. Beyond knowing what pronoun to use, I doubt he cares but just wants to know. It’s easy to refer to the kid as “Sam,” until you end of having to say a sentence like, “Sam was swimming and said Sam learned when Sam was young.”

[Anonymous]

Which changing room does XX use?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid (or you) could ask one of the counselors whether people should use he or she or they when talking about the other child.

They is plural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The question isn't "extremely offensive" as some other posters put it. At most, it might be a bit rude. For kids under 10, questions that would be considered somewhat rude as adults are normal behavior. It's a normal part of growth and does not equate rejecting them as people or bullying. It's just a question. Our baggage as adults is coloring this conversation. It's silly.

This is a comment from someone who I would guess has never stuck out in any significant way from the norm.

I agree kids should get a lot of leeway. They're figuring out the world and sometimes they say rude things. We, their parents, should help them out. But it's not silly. Kids who get asked these questions immediately get the message...you're different, you're weird. It all matters and it adds up.

[Anonymous]

Got your mother in a whirl,
She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He sounds like a boy and
acts like a boy but when we went swimming
he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?"
XX has an androgynous name.

How does a boy "sound" and "act"? I'd be really upset if my kid decided gender on how a kid acts. In this case, I don't even get why you believe this is a legitimate question.

But, as a parent of a gender non-conforming child, I will say this. It would be offensive in this circumstance for someone to ask. Frankly, it's just plain sexist. If there were a reason to have a legitimate question, neither I nor my child would be offended if a classmate asked about gender if they were truly interested. However, if they were close enough for this question to be asked, then they would already know the answer.

It is always offensive if an adult asks this to a child. And, even when the question is asked by kids, it is often a precursor for bullying and mean spirited behavior.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 6 and knows she is a girl but primarily wears boys clothing and boys swimwear. She has a 5yo friend who is a bit but wears pink and a one piece girls swimsuit with shorts over the top when he swims. His name can also go either way. I say just try and use the name if you can and not use a pronoun. If u need to, say "they " and keep it neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid (or you) could ask one of the counselors whether people should use he or she or they when talking about the other child.

They is plural.

Take it up with the linguists:

"Sorry, grammar nerds. The singular ‘they’ has been declared Word of the Year"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/01/08/donald-trump-may-win-this-years-word-of-the-year/?utm_term=.f118f58f9b89

[Anonymous]

At 7 how does a child SOUND like a boy? You can't tell the genders apart based on voice. What does it mean to ACT like a boy when you're 7?