Rude to ask if someone is a boy or a girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

It is rude, but I've heard this question more than once when people are looking at my kids. My oldest looked like a beautiful girl when he was a baby/toddler. I would dress him in all blue with a baseball hat and people were still unsure and felt the need to ask for some reason. My youngest boy has long (below the ear/almost shoulder length) curly hair. He likes it long and I think short hair accents his oval face too much. He was dressed "like a boy" when someone recently told him that they couldn't tell what he was and proceeded to ask him. DS was horrified by this.
Op, I wouldn't bring up gender identification until your is a little older and able to better grasp the complexities of the situation. I also think that your son should just use his friend's name and not worry about whether its a girl or a boy. This will likely be hard for him because we are all used to putting people into neat categories; male/female, black/white, etc. and that's what we teach our kids.

Here's how my kid would answer: I am a cisgender hazelnut-skinned girl (by sex parts and identity).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree and say the child can ask the question. If the child isn't judging the response and just is curious, then ask. Gender is a big deal, as evidenced by people wanting to be identified correctly. Let them identify themselves how they want and our children need to learn how to accept that identification. If you tell your kids that they can't observe and then request additional information, what are you teaching them?

+1

Also, if a child has strong enough opinions about their gender to change it, then they will articulate those reasons to classmates/playmates when asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

Yes.

And it is wrong for adults to shame kids for asking perfectly age appropriate, normal questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

It is rude, but I've heard this question more than once when people are looking at my kids. My oldest looked like a beautiful girl when he was a baby/toddler. I would dress him in all blue with a baseball hat and people were still unsure and felt the need to ask for some reason. My youngest boy has long (below the ear/almost shoulder length) curly hair. He likes it long and I think short hair accents his oval face too much. He was dressed "like a boy" when someone recently told him that they couldn't tell what he was and proceeded to ask him. DS was horrified by this.
Op, I wouldn't bring up gender identification until your is a little older and able to better grasp the complexities of the situation. I also think that your son should just use his friend's name and not worry about whether its a girl or a boy. This will likely be hard for him because we are all used to putting people into neat categories; male/female, black/white, etc. and that's what we teach our kids.

Here's how my kid would answer: I am a cisgender hazelnut-skinned girl (by sex parts and identity).

Really? You taught her that? Se didn't learn it in preschool.

[Anonymous]

I discourage my kids from asking that question head-on, for exactly the reason a PP mentioned - it insinuates that the other child is not doing gender correctly.

I also think it is okay for my child to live with curiosity. They should learn now that they don't "NEED" to know someone else's gender identity in order to play with them, and that their own curiosity about someone else's gender, or racial background, or anything else doesn't justify rude questions.

[Anonymous]

I think you answered it and handled it very well.

DS had a child in ES who was a boy in first grade and then transitioned to being a girl in second grade. Like you described, the kids were fine with it. The teacher had a talk with them and answered questions. All parents got to be present if they wanted. The kids didn't care at all and it was the parents who were up in arms at the parents only meeting that followed. Even now that she is 16 the kids don't care about it. She's just M to them. Many parents still have an issue with it, though all these years later. Just crazy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

+1. Most likely the kid is a girl who is a tomboy because of a big brother’s hand me downs and playing with her big brother’s toys.

The transgender questioning that has been a trend lately is ridiculous, especially with a 7yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discourage my kids from asking that question head-on, for exactly the reason a PP mentioned - it insinuates that the other child is not doing gender correctly.

I also think it is okay for my child to live with curiosity. They should learn now that they don't "NEED" to know someone else's gender identity in order to play with them, and that their own curiosity about someone else's gender, or racial background, or anything else doesn't justify rude questions.

This is interesting because I'm an adult and adults ask me about my racial identify all the time. I'm half something so my non-white half could be any variety of origins based on my physical appearance. I have learned to respond to the question gracefully because the people aren't asking out of malice, they are asking purely out of curiosity. To respond with anything other than a graceful answer would be unfortunate.

If it weren't important to people to be identified correctly, then there wouldn't be such thing as him/his/he in email tag lines. I would say that it is more important for those who's gender might not be readily identifiable to be identified correctly. 7 year olds don't have email pronoun lines to make it clear. Sometimes you have to ask. And, the child whose gender is fluid or does not match private parts might have to learn early on how to answer that question gracefully. This doesn't mean that anyone is going to make a fuss. Transparency leads the way to acceptance. Quiet whispering does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Do you know them? Do you know anything about this family? If it's the family I think it is, then they are extremely caring and have done the right thing by their daughter, including speaking to many experts. Not "allowing" a trans child to transition leaves the child at a very high risk of suicide by the time he or she reaches their teens.

[Anonymous]

Does the kids name start with S? If so, he's a boy but doesn't mind being called a girl.

[Anonymous]

Dear Swim Camp Director:

Please settle a bet. I say that XX is a boy, my DH says she's a girl. Our little camper Larlo doesn't know. Who wins?

I have a weekend in the Poconos riding on this.

Thank you.

Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Rude and inappropriate. Just tell him to refer to the child by his/her name.

I recently met a girl about that age who was dressed up and acted like a boy and DC assumed the child was a boy. I knew the child was a girl and corrected DC. The girl was out of earshot. DC shrugged and went to play with the other child anyway and it was no big deal.
The child's mother explained that her daughter sometimes felt like a boy and sometimes felt like a girl. She was very relaxed about it. Long way of saying that for some kids it's not a binary choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Please, please do not do this. For an adult, for a child, for anyone. This question is extremely offensive. If you don't know what pronoun to use, don't use one. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Please, please do not do this. For an adult, for a child, for anyone. This question is extremely offensive. If you don't know what pronoun to use, don't use one. Period.

I can't see how this is the correct answer. The most current thinking is that using the correct name and pronoun for a person reduces the risk of suicide. How does one make sure that one is using the correct name and pronoun? By asking, and then by doing. Not by avoiding the issue entirely.