Rude to ask if someone is a boy or a girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter was 4, about 35 years ago, at a conference with her Montessori preschool teacher the teacher told us the other kids were not sure if my daughter was a boy or a girl. She had slightly long hair, never chose to wear dresses, and had a name that could go either way.

The teacher said it was interesting to watch this dynamic but had no desire to influence it. She said basically it just meant that both boys and girls seemed very comfortable playing with my daughter. My daughter never mentioned any of this at home.

By the way, she never has had any confusion about her gender or sexuality and turned out to be fairly feminine, although quite confident and independent.

In other words, she was not a 3 yo boy wearing a bikini at summer camp with two parents (mom/dad, mom/mom, dad/dad) taking her to shrinks and doctors to explore different genders and anything else the young child may or may not want.

[Anonymous]

An older boy (I think he said he was 8) asked my 5 year old son if he was a boy or a girl a few days ago at the pool. My son said he's a boy. Then asked the other kid if he was a boy too

My son has also asked me "is it a boy or a girl?" a year ago when looking at an African American man with long braids. I said he's a boy, and that sometimes boys have long hair too. The man seemed surprised initially by the question, my son said "oh" at my answer and moved on.

I think asking about gender is a pretty normal question for kids. They're trying to figure out their world and how everything relates together. And obviously what the person should be called.

You can never control what people are going to be offended by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Please, please do not do this. For an adult, for a child, for anyone. This question is extremely offensive. If you don't know what pronoun to use, don't use one. Period.

I can't see how this is the correct answer. The most current thinking is that using the correct name and pronoun for a person reduces the risk of suicide. How does one make sure that one is using the correct name and pronoun? By asking, and then by doing. Not by avoiding the issue entirely.

Pretty much every trans or nonbinary person I am friends with has made it clear that they'd rather you not assume their pronouns and simply ask. It's not rude, it's respectful. I often stick with names or they/them, but ive heard from some that it's important to them to be she/he rather than they.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The question isn't "extremely offensive" as some other posters put it. At most, it might be a bit rude. For kids under 10, questions that would be considered somewhat rude as adults are normal behavior. It's a normal part of growth and does not equate rejecting them as people or bullying. It's just a question. Our baggage as adults is coloring this conversation. It's silly.

PP here. I was referring to an adult asking the question, not a kid. A kid doesn't know any better. An adult should. An adult asking the question is offensive. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

Ding, ding, ding! Kids rarely ask these questions with any judgement, unlike adults, so it's fine.

It's rude for adults and adolescents, because the question often means, "You make me uncomfortable. Explain what you are. Once you answer, I will have nosy follow-up questions." When a kid asks, it means, "I have a question, and then I will be satisfied and forget all about it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

Ding, ding, ding! Kids rarely ask these questions with any judgement, unlike adults, so it's fine.

It's rude for adults and adolescents, because the question often means, "You make me uncomfortable. Explain what you are. Once you answer, I will have nosy follow-up questions." When a kid asks, it means, "I have a question, and then I will be satisfied and forget all about it."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid (or you) could ask one of the counselors whether people should use he or she or they when talking about the other child.

They is plural.

using unisex pronouns like THEY is the thing to do now to not offend anyone of any gender or those kids experimenting with changing their gender.

It’s stupid and grammatically incorrect. Scandinavian countries have adopted new, gender-neutral pronouns so that they can be sensitive without butchering their language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

You would ask if a child "identifies" as a boy or girl? Are you kidding me?

PP here. No, I'm quite serious. I'm assuming that you don't understand the difference between gender identity and sexual preference?

I live in North Carolina, by the way. My 9 year old has a transgender classmate at his religious school. They sent an email alerting families to the name change and the gender identification switch. The kids think it is no big deal, and I've never heard it mentioned among the parents. What an ignorant bunch you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

You would ask if a child "identifies" as a boy or girl? Are you kidding me?

PP here. No, I'm quite serious. I'm assuming that you don't understand the difference between gender identity and sexual preference?

I live in North Carolina, by the way. My 9 year old has a transgender classmate at his religious school. They sent an email alerting families to the name change and the gender identification switch. The kids think it is no big deal, and I've never heard it mentioned among the parents. What an ignorant bunch you are.

People think it is "rare" until they encounter it themselves. My son had a friend who was a boy or girl, depending on the day, starting at age 5 and asked to be called by a "girl" name. Now at 8 s/he's a "girl", styles hair, etc. but goes by the original "boy" name given at birth. The parents finally put their foot down and said the name flip-flopping was too much and too confusing -- for them, for classmates, teachers, etc. At some point, the kid will either make a full change or not, but for now he dresses like a "she" but goes by "he". It is still confusing especially when meeting new people, but it is what it is. Kids don't care so much about the boy/girl thing, but will ask questions pretty openly and though they may be confused by the responses -- it sounds like no one has ever harassed the kid. We are on the West coast, so perhaps more common or open here than it was when living in DC...there I only knew a few adults, not kids, making a switch.

[Anonymous]

Your kid can ask that kid: "Do you like to be called 'she,' 'he,' or something else?" 99% likely the kid will answer without being offended. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

You would ask if a child "identifies" as a boy or girl? Are you kidding me?

PP here. No, I'm quite serious. I'm assuming that you don't understand the difference between gender identity and sexual preference?

I live in North Carolina, by the way. My 9 year old has a transgender classmate at his religious school. They sent an email alerting families to the name change and the gender identification switch. The kids think it is no big deal, and I've never heard it mentioned among the parents. What an ignorant bunch you are.

People think it is "rare" until they encounter it themselves. My son had a friend who was a boy or girl, depending on the day, starting at age 5 and asked to be called by a "girl" name. Now at 8 s/he's a "girl", styles hair, etc. but goes by the original "boy" name given at birth. The parents finally put their foot down and said the name flip-flopping was too much and too confusing -- for them, for classmates, teachers, etc. At some point, the kid will either make a full change or not, but for now he dresses like a "she" but goes by "he". It is still confusing especially when meeting new people, but it is what it is. Kids don't care so much about the boy/girl thing, but will ask questions pretty openly and though they may be confused by the responses -- it sounds like no one has ever harassed the kid. We are on the West coast, so perhaps more common or open here than it was when living in DC...there I only knew a few adults, not kids, making a switch.

Not the PP but I live on the West Coast too, and it's definitely rare where I am to encounter a transgender child or one who flip flops between genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Agree, because asking like that implies that the kid isn't "doing it right".

Most of the camps my kids attend have pretty specific inclusiveness policies. If my kid was asking these questions I would probably email the director and just say "Larlo is wondering if Sam identifies as a boy or a girl so he can refer to him/her in the appropriate way. Are you able to answer this question?" I would expect them to be able to handle this question thoughtfully and according to the wishes of the parents, even if it meant they just replied, "sorry, we don't discuss individual campers for privacy reasons."

You would ask if a child "identifies" as a boy or girl? Are you kidding me?

PP here. No, I'm quite serious. I'm assuming that you don't understand the difference between gender identity and sexual preference?

I live in North Carolina, by the way. My 9 year old has a transgender classmate at his religious school. They sent an email alerting families to the name change and the gender identification switch. The kids think it is no big deal, and I've never heard it mentioned among the parents. What an ignorant bunch you are.

People think it is "rare" until they encounter it themselves. My son had a friend who was a boy or girl, depending on the day, starting at age 5 and asked to be called by a "girl" name. Now at 8 s/he's a "girl", styles hair, etc. but goes by the original "boy" name given at birth. The parents finally put their foot down and said the name flip-flopping was too much and too confusing -- for them, for classmates, teachers, etc. At some point, the kid will either make a full change or not, but for now he dresses like a "she" but goes by "he". It is still confusing especially when meeting new people, but it is what it is. Kids don't care so much about the boy/girl thing, but will ask questions pretty openly and though they may be confused by the responses -- it sounds like no one has ever harassed the kid. We are on the West coast, so perhaps more common or open here than it was when living in DC...there I only knew a few adults, not kids, making a switch.

sounds like a fun power game for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the kids name start with S? If so, he's a boy but doesn't mind being called a girl.

what on earth does this mean?

It means PP thinks she might know the child. What else would it mean?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Do you know them? Do you know anything about this family? If it's the family I think it is, then they are extremely caring and have done the right thing by their daughter, including speaking to many experts. Not "allowing" a trans child to transition leaves the child at a very high risk of suicide by the time he or she reaches their teens.

A preschool kid is just a kid.

He or she does not identify as anything.

Sometimes they think they are firefighters. Sometimes they think they are puppies. Or princesses. Or mickey mouse. Or a Ninja.

The rest is just fashion.

Mom and dad are idiots to put this on a toddler just out of diapers.

This is about the 3 year old's parent either having an agenda or wanting to be cool. This is selfish and not at all about the child and his or her needs.

Kids who consistently insist they are a different gender from the preschool years are transgender and should be accepted as such. I recommend you watch Gender Revolution with Katie Couric.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Do you know them? Do you know anything about this family? If it's the family I think it is, then they are extremely caring and have done the right thing by their daughter, including speaking to many experts. Not "allowing" a trans child to transition leaves the child at a very high risk of suicide by the time he or she reaches their teens.

A preschool kid is just a kid.

He or she does not identify as anything.

Sometimes they think they are firefighters. Sometimes they think they are puppies. Or princesses. Or mickey mouse. Or a Ninja.

The rest is just fashion.

Mom and dad are idiots to put this on a toddler just out of diapers.

This is about the 3 year old's parent either having an agenda or wanting to be cool. This is selfish and not at all about the child and his or her needs.

Kids who consistently insist they are a different gender from the preschool years are transgender and should be accepted as such. I recommend you watch Gender Revolution with Katie Couric.

The preschool child hasn't consistently insisted they are a different gender. They are still only in preschool.

My DS insisted he was a train consistently through all of PK4.