Interested in hearing stories about spouse leaving workforce or going part-time
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Anonymous
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My wife and I have for years discussed her eventually leaving the traditional workforce or going part-time--but we're not completely on the same page, and so our decision-making has been slow and fraught.
I'm interested in advice and experience from people who have worked through this kind of situation. Some basics about us: *I make a bit more than 3X wife, who makes about 100K. *Two preschool-aged children. 1 more year of private preschool for eldest, 2-3 more for youngest. *Mortgage is approx. 4K a month. *We save a lot: about 9K a month with combined retirement, 529s, and brokerage. Still, even with current savings rate, it would take 15+ more years to generate enough to maintain our current lifestyle in retirement. *My job is stable, and income has gone up by about 5-10 percent a year last three years. But it's client-service, intense, and I'm near the top of the market (as a wage-earner). Would be hard to replace this income should something happen to firm/market. *Wife is a former biglaw attorney now at a nonprofit. *I am early 40s; she's mid 30s. Some other considerations: *My preference has been for her to wait until we have more breathing room (kids firmly in public and no signals they'll need private; sufficient savings to pay off mortgage should we need; my future income rises to equal our current combined income, etc.), but it looks like she's increasingly unhappy and anxious to make this move. (The happiness of our marriage is implicated by this decision, is what I'm saying. The stakes are high for getting it right!) *I am prone to anxiety about money and am risk-averse, so will probably never feel "comfortable" with a single-income household. But the truth is we have lots of cushions to weather any emergencies. *I don't think her working less or not at all will create major savings for us. We'll still do full-day, year-round preschool, as well as cleaning/yard services. *I, too, have fantasies about leaving/reducing the work, and this kind of move would kill that dream, but I'm much happier at work than she is. We've never sought advice from a financial planner, but maybe this is the right time to do so? |
Anonymous
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You seem level-headed. I think the financial planner idea is a good one. However, I think your biggest risk isn't financial but marital: the only real red flag I see on your list is that you may also want to cut back at some point and that you're anxious about being a sole provider. Please do not discount this. My kids are a lot older and I would say one of the biggest sources of marital trouble I see among my peers is when one spouse is resentful of the other and feels unappreciated. It can kill a marriage. Particularly with a spouse in a law firm or accounting firm, to be honest.
Based on that, I think part-time would be much better for you if your wife can swing it. That way she can scale back up when you want to scale down. I'd also be explicitly clear that you will want to scale down at some point. |
Anonymous
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You make plenty of money to be able to support a stay at home spouse. But you and she will need to identify what will be cut if her income goes away.
If you track your monthly expenses and figure out what you are spending in each category you can decide which areas you want to reduce to make up for the lack of her salary -- groceries? vacation? gifts and entertaining? Will your mortgage go down because you move somewhere cheaper? Will the preschool expense go away? You say you don't expect her not working to create savings for your family... but what do you guys think will happen with her lack of income? Will you need to reduce your savings rate? I would ask your wife to go over your monthly budget with you and figure out where you guys would cut back at least $6000 monthly if she leaves work. |
Anonymous
| PP again... just so you know my perspective, I was a SAHM when my husband was earning $70,000 to $95,000. We had two kids. They attended private preschool, we live in a 3 BR house etc. so it can be done on much less than $300,000 HHI! But, probably not at the nice level you guys are used to. |
Anonymous
| Have you considered doing some contingency planning involving lowering your monthly expenses? ie, what is the picture between your current lifestyle and the catastrophes you imagine (as a natural catastrophizer)? |
Anonymous
| Glad you are not my husband. He makes less, much less when I stayed home but it was worth it not to pay for child care given my income. We save plenty and can spend what we want. You make plenty of money. |
Anonymous
| Marriage counseling to make sure you are both on the same page regarding expectations. |
Anonymous
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OP here—
Thanks for replies so far. Trying it out without her income (or with half of it) for a few months sounds like a good idea. I expect our savings will be the thing that takes a hit, but surely we can find savings somewhere. Have people who have gone through experienced any surprises? Anything to watch out for in terms of spending or how it affects parenting or a relationship? (My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.) |
Anonymous
That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen. If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up? |
Anonymous
| Baby brings the bread. Let you wife be a real mom |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
?? He said the kids will remain in FT preschool. They wife just wants to be lazy and not work. OP is deciding if he wants add a 3rd child or if he wants to maintain their adult partnership. |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
(My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.) [/quote] That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen. If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up? [/quote] +1. A DW planning on finding herself and a liteny of hobby jobs to lose money on, and keeping the preschool and housekeeper. You better actually love your job, b/c you are signing up to be her sugar daddy and breadwinner all in one. I think you should consider counseling and a post-nup to clearly define how this will play out, so you don’t end up flushing thousands for her photography and craft crotchet Etsy shop, and have fights about you come home wiped out from a job you hate and she expects you to take the kids and do dishes while she gets some mommy me-time. |
Anonymous
+1. A DW planning on finding herself and a liteny of hobby jobs to lose money on, and keeping the preschool and housekeeper. You better actually love your job, b/c you are signing up to be her sugar daddy and breadwinner all in one. I think you should consider counseling and a post-nup to clearly define how this will play out, so you don’t end up flushing thousands for her photography and craft crotchet Etsy shop, and have fights about you come home wiped out from a job you hate and she expects you to take the kids and do dishes while she gets some mommy me-time. |
Anonymous
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I went from FT to PT four years ago out of necessity (kiddo was sick). We did it on a much lower salary than you, and I think you need to realize that you all are in a much better place financially than huge swaths of the country, and that is giving you a lot of wiggle room.
You need to look at your budget and see where you can cut. If it's savings, entertainment etc. You can post your budget and people will help you. |