Interested in hearing stories about spouse leaving workforce or going part-time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

(My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.)

That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen.

If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up?

I agree with this. I just don't get why it would be ok with you that she quit work to 'dabble in hobbies.' Why can't you do that? Because she has a vagina?

It sort of sounds like he does want to do this, but not in the kids schedule. His plan is to have his wife work the double shift of FT work and raising children so he can retire as soon as the kids are gone. What is he planning on doing when he retires at 55?

You are just making stuff up now. Where does OP say that his wife handles everything related to the kids?

Her husband probably doesn't do his share, so she can’t imagine the idea of an involved father.

Probably. But the amount of projection on threads here is so insane. It’s like a game of telephone if a thread becomes multi pages because people make up so much shit up that the OP never says.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lawyer mom of two.

You should NEVER completely leave the field. You can't get back in. One of the many ways lawyers are risk adverse to a fault. Don't want to let people back in who left.

But part time should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

(My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.)

That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen.

If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up?

I agree with this. I just don't get why it would be ok with you that she quit work to 'dabble in hobbies.' Why can't you do that? Because she has a vagina?

It sort of sounds like he does want to do this, but not in the kids schedule. His plan is to have his wife work the double shift of FT work and raising children so he can retire as soon as the kids are gone. What is he planning on doing when he retires at 55?

You are just making stuff up now. Where does OP say that his wife handles everything related to the kids?

That’s fair, but even if he does his fair share, this is still a ton of work. I guess I just don’t understand busting your butt at work while simultaneously raising children, then quitting to sit around and do nothing as soon as they leave the house. Doesn’t it make sense to space things out so you are never super stressed and never bored/lonely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

(My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.)

That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen.

If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up?

I agree with this. I just don't get why it would be ok with you that she quit work to 'dabble in hobbies.' Why can't you do that? Because she has a vagina?

It sort of sounds like he does want to do this, but not in the kids schedule. His plan is to have his wife work the double shift of FT work and raising children so he can retire as soon as the kids are gone. What is he planning on doing when he retires at 55?

You are just making stuff up now. Where does OP say that his wife handles everything related to the kids?

That’s fair, but even if he does his fair share, this is still a ton of work. I guess I just don’t understand busting your butt at work while simultaneously raising children, then quitting to sit around and do nothing as soon as they leave the house. Doesn’t it make sense to space things out so you are never super stressed and never bored/lonely?

Based on your assessment the OP should be the one to cut back as he has the more intense job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

(My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.)

That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen.

If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up?

I agree with this. I just don't get why it would be ok with you that she quit work to 'dabble in hobbies.' Why can't you do that? Because she has a vagina?

It sort of sounds like he does want to do this, but not in the kids schedule. His plan is to have his wife work the double shift of FT work and raising children so he can retire as soon as the kids are gone. What is he planning on doing when he retires at 55?

You are just making stuff up now. Where does OP say that his wife handles everything related to the kids?

That’s fair, but even if he does his fair share, this is still a ton of work. I guess I just don’t understand busting your butt at work while simultaneously raising children, then quitting to sit around and do nothing as soon as they leave the house. Doesn’t it make sense to space things out so you are never super stressed and never bored/lonely?

Based on your assessment the OP should be the one to cut back as he has the more intense job.

I am not sure that I follow you.

[Anonymous]

OP has basically said that his wife doesn’t want to quit her job to be a SAHM, she wants to quit her job and just stay at home. The kids will remain in their current childcare situation. I get wanting to stop being an adult for awhile. Who wouldn’t want to do that? But I foresee some major resentment and issues if they go through with it. We all know women who spend all their time on themselves, personally I find that existence very sad and selfish.

And for another perspective, no one has a crystal ball so there’s no way for anyone to know what the future holds. I’m a very strong proponent of women (and men) keeping their toe in the workforce for many reasons. Illness, death or divorce are all potential issues. Maybe I’m juts risk adverse.

[Anonymous]

This is very interesting post as I am in the same position as OP's DW. I am actually very surprised by how many of you folks are very resentful about the whole idea. My husband and I have had the same conversation over the years whenever I get fed up with my job. I work in accounting firm and works are very intense and demanding especially during tax season. The only reason I can't leave the workforce is because I love money and have no guts to quit. Luckily, my husband at least says that he supports whatever decision I make, but I have feeling that he says this knowing that I won't be quitting after all that years of 'just talking', no action lol. Our HHI is a lot less than OPs, so I'm actually shocked by OP's & other PPs' honest reaction. I'm sure my husband feels the same way.
We have many friends & family whose wives are SAH whether DHs make good money or not.
What I realize is that all women want to quit at some point especially when we have kid. There's good reason to quit job. Those who quit would quit no matter what, and vice versa.
It is actually great, and lucky for many women who have this option, unlike most/many men who have no option but to work until full retirement.
FWIW, OP, I think you are definitely making enough money for your wife to SAH. If the tradeoff is your wife being happy and happier family, let your wife make the decision and you can support. Your life will be a lot easier if you do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

(My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids.)

That just sounds extremely self indulgent to me. Lots of people want to have the freedom to leave their jobs and I don't begrudge those who can make it happen. But if this is what she wants, she needs to be totally on top of the financial situation in your home, including being point person on managing all your finances and expenditures. To me that is the most important part of being the SAH Parent .. being able to live off of one income means you make significant trade offs in spending to make it happen.

If I were you I would NOT agree to reducing your level of savings. She needs to identify other ways to manage to keep you guys living well on $100,000 less salary a year. Is she willing to give anything up?

I agree with this. I just don't get why it would be ok with you that she quit work to 'dabble in hobbies.' Why can't you do that? Because she has a vagina?

It sort of sounds like he does want to do this, but not in the kids schedule. His plan is to have his wife work the double shift of FT work and raising children so he can retire as soon as the kids are gone. What is he planning on doing when he retires at 55?

You are just making stuff up now. Where does OP say that his wife handles everything related to the kids?

That’s fair, but even if he does his fair share, this is still a ton of work. I guess I just don’t understand busting your butt at work while simultaneously raising children, then quitting to sit around and do nothing as soon as they leave the house. Doesn’t it make sense to space things out so you are never super stressed and never bored/lonely?

This. When you put it this way it’s obvious how it doesn’t make sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has basically said that his wife doesn’t want to quit her job to be a SAHM, she wants to quit her job and just stay at home. The kids will remain in their current childcare situation. I get wanting to stop being an adult for awhile. Who wouldn’t want to do that? But I foresee some major resentment and issues if they go through with it. We all know women who spend all their time on themselves, personally I find that existence very sad and selfish.

And for another perspective, no one has a crystal ball so there’s no way for anyone to know what the future holds. I’m a very strong proponent of women (and men) keeping their toe in the workforce for many reasons. Illness, death or divorce are all potential issues. Maybe I’m juts risk adverse.

I would also add, quitting her job and staying at home might not actually make her all that happy. She doesn't like her job, but that doesn't mean that being unemployed is the solution. I've seen a few families where one spouse ended up staying at home in a similar way (quit working because they didn't really like working or because other spouse's work schedule was too demanding, not because they wanted to stay home) and was actually miserable. They kind of had no purpose, and too much free time. For a certain kind of personality, it's really unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer mom of two.

You should NEVER completely leave the field. You can't get back in. One of the many ways lawyers are risk adverse to a fault. Don't want to let people back in who left.

But part time should be fine.

true.

It's always seemed ironic to me that lawyers are the ones who fight against discrimination for their clients. But, when it comes to lawyers hiring === they are very limited in who they will select. If you aren't coming to them at a certain time in life (i.e. 25-28 yrs old), you are not worth their time. At my lawschool, there was a guy with an Iranian name. He had on his resume that he spoke Farsi. The dean of career services told him that if he wanted to get hired, he needed to change his name. This was in the late 1990's. Lawyers talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.

Other industries discriminate on age as well, but at least they aren't out there making the arguments that discrimination is wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP again. She doesn’t want to quit. She wants to go part time. She plans to use part of the time to be with the kids, run weekend errands, and part to focus on some entrepreneurial long shots. We are talking to a financial planner to get confirmation this is (reasonably) prudent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. She doesn’t want to quit. She wants to go part time. She plans to use part of the time to be with the kids, run weekend errands, and part to focus on some entrepreneurial long shots. We are talking to a financial planner to get confirmation this is (reasonably) prudent.

So she goes from $100K to $40K - $60K per year? We do find on about $100K HHI less than that, doesn't seem like a problem so long as she's not going on a crazy spending spree during her free time. I think it's reasonably fair if she's using some of the free time to take care of errands and stuff that will benefit the family and perhaps free up time on the weekends.

I was initially against it because it sounded like she wanted to quit completely and not SAH with the kids but part-time sounds reasonable.

[Anonymous]

^Edit. Obviously I meant $100K less HHI than your $300K plus her $40 - $60K.

[Anonymous]

This part:
My wife is not interested in being a true stay at home parent. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be tied to a computer and a desk in an uninspiring job and she craves more flexibility and free time. She will likely try her hand at something entrepreneurial, or maybe dabble with hobbies. She’s struggling to find the thing she wants to do and wants the freedom to figure it out. She also wants more flexibility to be with the kids


Is a huge red flag to me. It sounds like she needs a nice vacation and maybe a more interesting job. I mean, no one wants to be a tied to a computer but that is very different than "I'm giving up my career." The workforce is very unforgiving. If she truly quits her job, it's really hard to go back to any kind of flexible career down the road. Not impossible but it's harder. You lose your network really fast. Doing something entrepreneurial takes money. Sorry it does. Most people who do this keep down a job and do a side hustle until it's profitable, or they go at full force which is obviously really hard if you are a mom and already tired of working.

This just sounds like she needs to find a more interesting job or scale back.