Interested in hearing stories about spouse leaving workforce or going part-time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have had the same conversation and I applaud OP for seriously considering it. I make $85K and DH makes around $200K. I have been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and would like to reduce my hours by 20% to help my stress level and fatigue. DH refuses because it will put more stress on him as he is commissioned based. Instead of figuring out ways to manage his stress around it he just outright refuses. He even took a new job where he needs a few years to build up because he was unhappy with the culture of his company although he made good money without having to work much for it. He can unilaterally make decisions that are best for him but I’m not allowed to.

He’d rather me go through physical stress than to deal with his potential mental stress. We’ve met with a financial planner on my suggestion and he showed us we’d be ok but would need to cut back extras a little bit. It still makes him too nervous so I will continue to go deeper into negative sick leave. At least OP sounds like he views his wife as more than just a paycheck.

I’m not being snarky, but you truly need some marriage counseling. This is a completely different situation than OPs healthy wife trying to “find herself” by trying out various hobby jobs.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a different way of looking st things—instead of having finances drive the conversation with your wife, it might help to think about what you both want (big picture priorities). My wife hated her job and quit last year to stay home with our two young kids. She wants to return to the work out of the home world in about 1 year but the time st home has really helped clear her head. We’ve been living on just my salary (Just under $200k) and it hasn’t been a real strain since we both prioritized this change abound anything else. We cut expenses and yes, we are saving far less than we used to, but having had some major family illnesses in the past few years, we realized that time with the kids while we are all healthy is worth more to us than anything else. I suppose there’s some pressure as the sole wage earner but our tastes are simple and absolute worst case scenario, if I lost my job, we would use our savings savings or sell our house and move somewhere cheaper.

[Anonymous]

I went from part time (0.8 FTE) to very part time (0.2 FTE) with similar incomes to you and your wife (I made a little more, but we were getting rid of the nanny), and it has been amazing for our family. First of all, DH has been able to be more flexible with his hours, and he got a promotion of sorts that increased his income enough to make up for the loss of my income. Secondly, it’s been really nice to have the extra time. With children and two working parents, I felt like we had no reserves. It was sort of like living with no money in a savings account. Yes, we could make our schedules work as long as everything went exactly as planned, but a car wreck or a kid in the hospital for a day or two was a complete disaster. Even a flat tire or a bad head cold could throw us off. Or god forbid someone have a birthday. Now that stuff is no big deal. If a kid is sick, they just stay home. If DH is sick, then he comes home from work and goes right into bed. If the car is being repaired, then I don’t have a car for a day or two.
For example, DHs mom was recently put on hospice care, and he has been talking to her most days and flying out every month to see her for the weekend. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if I wasn’t home to just handle everything with the kids (or it would have been a really big deal anyway).

I think there are a lot of benefits to having a SAH spouse. I would be the working spouse or the at home spouse, but I would not go back to having two working spouses. Not while we still have kids at home anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went from part time (0.8 FTE) to very part time (0.2 FTE) with similar incomes to you and your wife (I made a little more, but we were getting rid of the nanny), and it has been amazing for our family. First of all, DH has been able to be more flexible with his hours, and he got a promotion of sorts that increased his income enough to make up for the loss of my income. Secondly, it’s been really nice to have the extra time. With children and two working parents, I felt like we had no reserves. It was sort of like living with no money in a savings account. Yes, we could make our schedules work as long as everything went exactly as planned, but a car wreck or a kid in the hospital for a day or two was a complete disaster. Even a flat tire or a bad head cold could throw us off. Or god forbid someone have a birthday. Now that stuff is no big deal. If a kid is sick, they just stay home. If DH is sick, then he comes home from work and goes right into bed. If the car is being repaired, then I don’t have a car for a day or two.
For example, DHs mom was recently put on hospice care, and he has been talking to her most days and flying out every month to see her for the weekend. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if I wasn’t home to just handle everything with the kids (or it would have been a really big deal anyway).

I think there are a lot of benefits to having a SAH spouse. I would be the working spouse or the at home spouse, but I would not go back to having two working spouses. Not while we still have kids at home anyway.

OP: thank you. Very illuminating.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t like your job, would she be amenable to you quitting while she went back to big law? Working at a job you don’t like, for less pay and less prestige than you used to get, while still not having the free time to do what you want to do, sounds like it sucks. I don’t blame her for wanting to quit.

[Anonymous]

With preschool expenses and childcare expenses your wife's after tax income contribution is modest. If she makes $100k about $40 goes to taxes so she nets $60. How much is preschool and childcare? My wife did this many years ago and it reduced our income by about 25% but it made her very happy and made our life a lot better. As your kids get older and are in school full time she may decide to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With preschool expenses and childcare expenses your wife's after tax income contribution is modest. If she makes $100k about $40 goes to taxes so she nets $60. How much is preschool and childcare? My wife did this many years ago and it reduced our income by about 25% but it made her very happy and made our life a lot better. As your kids get older and are in school full time she may decide to go back to work.

But OP's wife doesn't want to cut the preschool/childcare. She wants to stay home but not take care of the kids. Totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With preschool expenses and childcare expenses your wife's after tax income contribution is modest. If she makes $100k about $40 goes to taxes so she nets $60. How much is preschool and childcare? My wife did this many years ago and it reduced our income by about 25% but it made her very happy and made our life a lot better. As your kids get older and are in school full time she may decide to go back to work.

But OP's wife doesn't want to cut the preschool/childcare. She wants to stay home but not take care of the kids. Totally different.

OP here. We discussed this last night and think we can cut back without compromising the savings and keeping our childcare arrangements as is. I would gladly forego some luxuries (fewer babysitters, fewer nights out, less international travel) and keep driving old cars if the tradeoff is "her very happy" and our life "a lot better"!

Now, for a financial planner. I have for years shopped around for one and never bit the bullet because it's never clear to me that they can do something I cannot on my own. And yet, there is value in a third-party saying, "It is my expert opinion that you can/cannot do this, and here's what you should do." How to proceed in the search for a planner? Thinking it's worth about $1K for a few hours of consultation and a written plan.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have two little kids. Your wife has a job she hates and feels trapped by. Your fixed expenses (mortgage, at least) are reasonable. You make a lot of money and you save a TON of money. Your wife has spent a decent chunk of the past 5-6 years pregnant/postpartum, and no matter how equally you divide family labor, you cannot imagine the toll that takes on person's body and mind.

I get that you are risk averse, but please consider that your wife is telling you that she needs a break. Your finances will be more than fine and it sounds like your wife has the skills to be quite marketable if/when she wants another full-time gig.

You can make this happen - it will be good for your household and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she could find a new, lower stress job but take a few months off before she starts?

I had a similar high-stress job that I hated, quit to SAH for a few years, and then went back full-time when the youngest went to pre-school. I work 40 hours, but it feels like part-time since I WAH a ton and there's usually no commute.

I had been planning to stay out of the workforce a lot longer to cart the kids around to activities, volunteer at school, etc but honestly I was starting to get crippling anxiety related to the family having only a single source of income. We had plenty of life insurance but weren't in a situation where I could maintain our lifestyle (meaning, pay for piano lessons AND buy food) if something were to happen to my husband, and he's 10 years older than I am so it was a real fear. Working can be a pain sometimes but at least I know I could support us if he were to get sick or something. Whenever I get annoyed about something work related, I remind myself how much sleep I lost worrying about car accidents and then I'm good to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have two little kids. Your wife has a job she hates and feels trapped by. Your fixed expenses (mortgage, at least) are reasonable. You make a lot of money and you save a TON of money. Your wife has spent a decent chunk of the past 5-6 years pregnant/postpartum, and no matter how equally you divide family labor, you cannot imagine the toll that takes on person's body and mind.

I get that you are risk averse, but please consider that your wife is telling you that she needs a break. Your finances will be more than fine and it sounds like your wife has the skills to be quite marketable if/when she wants another full-time gig.

You can make this happen - it will be good for your household and your marriage.

Don't lead this guy on, many SAHMs can't ever return to anything close to the field/level they left.

It sounds like they were working on planned early retirement for both of them; this roll of the dice will likely leave her "retired" and him working till 70. That is the norm for most of us, so it's not really unreasonable, but he should go in with eyes open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have two little kids. Your wife has a job she hates and feels trapped by. Your fixed expenses (mortgage, at least) are reasonable. You make a lot of money and you save a TON of money. Your wife has spent a decent chunk of the past 5-6 years pregnant/postpartum, and no matter how equally you divide family labor, you cannot imagine the toll that takes on person's body and mind.

I get that you are risk averse, but please consider that your wife is telling you that she needs a break. Your finances will be more than fine and it sounds like your wife has the skills to be quite marketable if/when she wants another full-time gig.

You can make this happen - it will be good for your household and your marriage.

Don't lead this guy on, many SAHMs can't ever return to anything close to the field/level they left.

It sounds like they were working on planned early retirement for both of them; this roll of the dice will likely leave her "retired" and him working till 70. That is the norm for most of us, so it's not really unreasonable, but he should go in with eyes open.

I wrote this. I left the workforce to SAH for 4 years and returned to a totally different industry with a more much stable and family friendly job, better leave and benefits, and a 20% pay cut. I got a job when I wanted one. The OP's wife is an attorney who has already made a move from private practice to the nonprofit sector. She is marketable. Unless you are a SAHM who has left and returned to the workforce, I suggest you hold your opinion on whether or not a woman who dials it back for a few years while her kids are young can recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have two little kids. Your wife has a job she hates and feels trapped by. Your fixed expenses (mortgage, at least) are reasonable. You make a lot of money and you save a TON of money. Your wife has spent a decent chunk of the past 5-6 years pregnant/postpartum, and no matter how equally you divide family labor, you cannot imagine the toll that takes on person's body and mind.

I get that you are risk averse, but please consider that your wife is telling you that she needs a break. Your finances will be more than fine and it sounds like your wife has the skills to be quite marketable if/when she wants another full-time gig.

You can make this happen - it will be good for your household and your marriage.

Don't lead this guy on, many SAHMs can't ever return to anything close to the field/level they left.

It sounds like they were working on planned early retirement for both of them; this roll of the dice will likely leave her "retired" and him working till 70. That is the norm for most of us, so it's not really unreasonable, but he should go in with eyes open.

I wrote this. I left the workforce to SAH for 4 years and returned to a totally different industry with a more much stable and family friendly job, better leave and benefits, and a 20% pay cut. I got a job when I wanted one. The OP's wife is an attorney who has already made a move from private practice to the nonprofit sector. She is marketable. Unless you are a SAHM who has left and returned to the workforce, I suggest you hold your opinion on whether or not a woman who dials it back for a few years while her kids are young can recover.

You actually prove my point, her progression has been private practice, to nonprofit, to hobby job, to SAH. An employer will see that work history and see a flighty employee. And it's fine if she wants to stay home, DH makes good money and they will be fine, but early retirement will likely be off the table, which I can't get a bearing on if that was the reason for that ambitious savings or what?

[Anonymous]

I think financial counseling would be helpful, especially given that you use "anxious" to describe both of you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds less like your wife doesn't want to be a full time SAHM than it's her particular job that is creating the problem. Do you think she could find something that keeps her still in the workforce at least P/T but she is happier with? It sounds like she has a godo skillset and there are nonprofits that she may like better (there is such a range of work environments in nonprofits) and would let her be part time or work part time from home.