Another child says mean things to mine and parent does nothing?

[Anonymous]

I need help on how to handle this situation.

I have a friend who I used to be really good friends with, but her lack of discipline of her son really bothers me (in terms of how it relates to my son). Her son often says very mean/rude things to my son (like "you're a baby, I don't want to be near you" or "Get away from me, I don't want to play with a baby"--her son is 4.5, mine is 3.5. In fact he's said nasty things to me to, such as: "Your food sucks, I'm not eating it" when he came over to my house for dinner. My friend just laughs and says nothing.

I distanced myself from this friend for more than a year because she just "looked the other way" whenever her son said these kinds of things and didn't say things like, "that's not a nice thing to say, go apologize" or something like that like I would say if my child said something like that. She just said nothing.

After 1.5 years of distancing myself, I decided to give this friend another chance with the hope that her son is more mature now in terms of these comments, and we have a playdate scheduled this weekend at the pool. Her son is an excellent swimmer and mine is still a beginner (taking swim lessons but still in the shallow end, still wears water wings). I can imagine the kinds of comments her son is going to make now: "I don't want to play with him, he's just a baby in his water wings. I can swim in the deep end," or "I'm a great swimmer and he sucks at swimming," etc.

If her son does say these mean comments, can I say something to the child like, "That is not a kind thing to say" or "That's not very nice?" I don't want my son to think I'm not sticking up for him if I allow these comments to be said without saying anything. But I also don't think it's my place to discipline other people's children.

How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

Yes if you're friends I see nothing wrong with saying, "that's not a nice thing to say." You're not disciplining him.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand parents like this who do not discipline their kids. That's why so many kids have such atrocious behavior these days. If your kid says something mean/rude, you tell him why that's not nice and tell him to stop saying it. I don't get why so many parents don't discipline these days. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Yes you can say something but some of these are going to be observations as he tries to make sense of the world yet may seem blunt to an adult. For example: he’s wearing water wings - that’s a fact he’s noticing. I cringe when my kid points out some kid has training wheels or whatever but they don’t understand it’s something someone might be insecure about.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can say something but I would also add something like: He's still learning, just like you did when you were his age. Try to promote a growth mindset for your kid while you're at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can say something but some of these are going to be observations as he tries to make sense of the world yet may seem blunt to an adult. For example: he’s wearing water wings - that’s a fact he’s noticing. I cringe when my kid points out some kid has training wheels or whatever but they don’t understand it’s something someone might be insecure about.

OP here. I'm fine if he just said "hey, he's wearing water wings and I'm not." Then I'd say something like, "that's right, he's taking swim lessons and doing really well in them. Soon he won't need water wings anymore and can swim with you in the deep end."

Instead he will probably say, "hey, he's still a baby with his water wings. I'm not playing with him. I'm going to go find some big boys to play with, not babies" or something like that. He's said similar things in the past. That's why I have avoided this friend for 1.5 years because I did not want my son to feel bad hearing these kinds of comments.

[Anonymous]

The kid is saying things “suck” and his mom is letting that go? Wow.

I would absolutely say something. “Wow, that was a mean thing to say. I know your a more kind boy than that!” I’d pair that with otherwise being extra kind to him and giving positive feedback when the opportunity arises. “Look how Larlo shared the ball with you! Larlo, you’re such a good friend. We love hanging out with you when you play like that!”. You don’t have to make a huge deal about it when he’s rude - don’t give him the attention he wants (in fact, I’d follow the “wow, that was mean” with pointedly ignoring him), but do let him know it’s not okay with you.

If his mom has a problem with that, so be it. If she distances herself from you, no big loss, and you’ll be doing the kid a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid is saying things “suck” and his mom is letting that go? Wow.

I would absolutely say something. “Wow, that was a mean thing to say. I know your a more kind boy than that!” I’d pair that with otherwise being extra kind to him and giving positive feedback when the opportunity arises. “Look how Larlo shared the ball with you! Larlo, you’re such a good friend. We love hanging out with you when you play like that!”. You don’t have to make a huge deal about it when he’s rude - don’t give him the attention he wants (in fact, I’d follow the “wow, that was mean” with pointedly ignoring him), but do let him know it’s not okay with you.

If his mom has a problem with that, so be it. If she distances herself from you, no big loss, and you’ll be doing the kid a favor.

OP here. Ok this is a good plan. Yes the mom lets these things go. Which is why I have distanced myself for 1.5 years but I feel like I can give her a second chance. I don't blame the boy, I blame her poor parenting skills for letting his mean comments go on like that (and he even says things like this to adults!).

[Anonymous]

Look, if you're going to give this kid another chance, you have to actually give him another chance. Kids can change a LOT in a year and a half. You're already imagining the mean things you think this kid will say to your kid--he hasn't said anything yet!

And if he does, just respond, "That's not a kind thing to say," or something. You don't have to hang out with these people, but don't borrow trouble, either.

[Anonymous]

Why not do a play date where they can actually play together? If your kid can’t swim and the other boy can, it’s going to be a drag for the other boy. I’d relocate to a playground or your house to set up a situation that can yield better results.

Your friend should discipline her kid. You should say something to him if she doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Of course I would say something to the other child! I have told other children that they were being unkind or that I didn't like something they said or did to my kids. First and foremost, I want my kids to know that I have their back and model the responses that I want them to copy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would say something to the other child! I have told other children that they were being unkind or that I didn't like something they said or did to my kids. First and foremost, I want my kids to know that I have their back and model the responses that I want them to copy.

OP here. I totally agree. I want my son to know that I'm standing up for him. But when I've done that in the past (said something along the lines of "that wasn't a nice thing to say"), the parent has given me a nasty look (while saying nothing at all to their child), so I wanted to double-check with DCUM if this is okay.

My question is why do parents say nothing in these situations?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is saying things “suck” and his mom is letting that go? Wow.

I would absolutely say something. “Wow, that was a mean thing to say. I know your a more kind boy than that!” I’d pair that with otherwise being extra kind to him and giving positive feedback when the opportunity arises. “Look how Larlo shared the ball with you! Larlo, you’re such a good friend. We love hanging out with you when you play like that!”. You don’t have to make a huge deal about it when he’s rude - don’t give him the attention he wants (in fact, I’d follow the “wow, that was mean” with pointedly ignoring him), but do let him know it’s not okay with you.

If his mom has a problem with that, so be it. If she distances herself from you, no big loss, and you’ll be doing the kid a favor.

OP here. Ok this is a good plan. Yes the mom lets these things go. Which is why I have distanced myself for 1.5 years but I feel like I can give her a second chance. I don't blame the boy, I blame her poor parenting skills for letting his mean comments go on like that (and he even says things like this to adults!).

Do her a favor and cancel. She doesn't needs friends like you, parenting just might not be intuitive for her and she may not know how to react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would say something to the other child! I have told other children that they were being unkind or that I didn't like something they said or did to my kids. First and foremost, I want my kids to know that I have their back and model the responses that I want them to copy.

OP here. I totally agree. I want my son to know that I'm standing up for him. But when I've done that in the past (said something along the lines of "that wasn't a nice thing to say"), the parent has given me a nasty look (while saying nothing at all to their child), so I wanted to double-check with DCUM if this is okay.

My question is why do parents say nothing in these situations?????

Because they don't know how. Kids don't just do what you tell them (maybe your kid is especially easy? mine is REALLY difficult and parenting him has required getting parenting coaching at different times because I had NO IDEA how to react to things he was doing - plus parenting small children is not always intuitive), and maybe her child gets worse when she does pay attention to the negative behavior and behaves better when she pays attention to the positive behavior. Maybe she's super overwhelmed and struggling for reasons that you aren't aware of because you're busy calling her a terrible mom and not actually being a good friend.

If you want to give the friendship another chance go to coffee WITHOUT the kids and just be friends, not playdate friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would say something to the other child! I have told other children that they were being unkind or that I didn't like something they said or did to my kids. First and foremost, I want my kids to know that I have their back and model the responses that I want them to copy.

OP here. I totally agree. I want my son to know that I'm standing up for him. But when I've done that in the past (said something along the lines of "that wasn't a nice thing to say"), the parent has given me a nasty look (while saying nothing at all to their child), so I wanted to double-check with DCUM if this is okay.

My question is why do parents say nothing in these situations?????

So, what's a dirty look? Nothing. Ignore it. Your "friend's" dirty look represents problems going on in her head, and has nothing to do with you. I like other PP's suggestion - say "wow, that was mean" and "he's learning, just like you were at that age, soon he will be able to swim in the deep end with you." Except in my case, I would add ".....if you are nice". Which may not be great parenting (to add that last part), but at least you are stepping up, and your "friend" certainly is not - nor is she doing her child any favors.

OP, not sure if you should drop this so called friendship, she doesn't seem to care about your or your child's feelings?