Another child says mean things to mine and parent does nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a troll. Who would schedule a get-together with someone who is mean to them and their child, and make elaborate plans about what to say when that happens, if the person isn't even a friend any more?

And if you cared enough to try to improve the situation, why wouldn't you change it to make a plan where the kids' abilities match better?

OP here. I didn't schedule the get together, she invited us, and we have no plans, and it sounded like a nice idea, and I wanted to try this pool anyways. In the past the child was mean, but who knows what he's like now, 1.5 years later. I just want to be prepared how to handle it if/when he does start with his mean language again. And this is a much better playdate idea than at her house, where I think this mean language would be more of an issue. At least at the pool we can each do our own thing most of the time, since I'll be in the shallow end with my son and her son will be in the deep end most likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not in control of the other kid and you're not responsible for teaching the other kid.

In that scenario, I talk to MY kid. "Do you like it when Larlo says that to you?" "No." "Well, you can tell Larlo 'I don't like it when you say/do X. Let's say/do Y instead.' Practice it with me." [we'd practice until he felt confident]. Then I'd send him to go do it.

If Larlo were still being a little jerk, we'd leave.

+1
I would say, "I think that hurts Larlo's feelings," instead of, "That was a mean thing to say."

OP here. That's a good suggestion, thank you. I will keep this in mind if the kid says something rude to me too (which he has done many times).

The most important thing here is that it's a golden opportunity to coach your kid on how to stand up to bullies, instead of putting him further into the victim role by "standing up for him". Don't miss the moment, because you're not going to be around when it happens at 6, 7 and 8. You don't need to say "it hurts Larlo's feelings"--he can say it for himself! Or you can say: "I don't like it when you say that to me," for yourself.

(It doesn't mean you have to pick hanging out with this kid over and over to get these opportunities, however.)

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. I had to distance myself because the mean comments and instances of bad behavior that were ramping up over time.

I once told this friend that I grounded my child from after school play that day for being disrespectful to me, and she looked amazed and said: "Wow, my child would never let me do something like that." Huh? That was a big, red flag that she was letting her kid run the show!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would say something to the other child! I have told other children that they were being unkind or that I didn't like something they said or did to my kids. First and foremost, I want my kids to know that I have their back and model the responses that I want them to copy.

OP here. I totally agree. I want my son to know that I'm standing up for him. But when I've done that in the past (said something along the lines of "that wasn't a nice thing to say"), the parent has given me a nasty look (while saying nothing at all to their child), so I wanted to double-check with DCUM if this is okay.

My question is why do parents say nothing in these situations?????

Teach your son to stand up for himself. This won't be the first bully he encounters in life. "Stop saying that," "That's not nice," or "stop it" are good responses. Teach your child to disengage from a bad situation, too. Why keep standing there, just taking it? Leave. Use your feet. Go to mom and say, "I think I'm done." Teach him he doesn't need to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

The brat and his mother would be out of my life until she taught him manners and I would tell her this.

[Anonymous]

NP here with a sensitive child myself, and I’ve definitely been annoyed by other parents who can’t conteol their kids. That said- I’m pretty surprised that no one has mentioned the ages yet. This kid was a young 3 year old and putting down your young 2 year old? If I understand correctly? And now they are 4.5 and 3.5?

I hate to say it but I feel like you’re overreacting here. A 3 year old, especially a young 3 year old, probably really didn’t want to be playing with your kid because they ARE on totally different pages developmentally. And as PPs have mentioned, kids that age call it as they see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why will none of you speak up?

I give the other parent one or two chances to say something. If they don't say something after the first comment (or second), I start to say something when her child does something wrong. If she doesn't like it, then she can either parent or she can end the playdates. I assume she doesn't know what or how to say something. Many parents don't. So you show her by example. If she doesn't like it, she can do her job as a parent, or she will find herself out of playdates as she avoids people who won't put up with her child. It isn't the child's fault. All children say inappropriate things. Most children learn what is and is not appropriate from their parents who correct them when they say something wrong or teach them how to say nicer things. This child hasn't learned because his parent(s) have not taught him what is and is not appropriate. So step in and help him and her out; say something to him. If she sees you; she may either realize that she needs to say something or she may learn how to say it from watching you.

This is great advice. Keep in mind that this child is still learning what is and is not socially acceptable behavior. It takes a village, so if the parent isn't correcting behavior, then feel free to do it yourself. I'll correct a stranger's kids if they act in a socially unacceptable way, for example taking a toy out of another child's hands. Keep in mind your examples are not abnormal for that age. They are expressing their feelings that they don't want to play with a younger child. Not all kids that age have developed empathy to understand it can hurt someone's feelings. You could tell them "Larlo isn't a baby and it's not nice to say you don't want to play with someone." Then give them a choice, play together or play by yourself.

You should also be teaching your child how to handle situations like this, because there will be times you're not around and they need to be able to stick up for themselves. Sometimes the only solution will be to distance yourself from the parent/kid. It's unfortunate because it won't help them learn.

[Anonymous]

Be the grown up. You cannot control the child, but you can control yourself. "I do not like it when you say that to me," and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the grown up. You cannot control the child, but you can control yourself. "I do not like it when you say that to me," and walk away.

Bolded part is not very grown up. Being grown up means not letting it affect your feelings or emotions. Better to tell them that it isn't nice, explain why, and give them an alternative. Then stick around, because walking away is teaching the kid the wrong lesson.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP is so immature. She is looking for basic words for simple situations. How will she handle life...what elaborate planning and that kid may have totally changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the grown up. You cannot control the child, but you can control yourself. "I do not like it when you say that to me," and walk away.

Another of the many immature DCUM moms. Snowflakes.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably not get together with the children in this case, but if your son is okay with giving this kid another shot, I'd coach him on how to respond and let him know I have his back + directly address the kid when needed.

-Your kid's response: "Stop it or I'll go away" If your son comes & tells you about the bad behavior, ask him if he'd like to leave and then do.
-Your response outside of your house: "that's rude" or "that's hurtful" and leave if it continues.
-Your response in your house: "that's not how we treat each other in this house. I have to ask you to stop." If it doesn't stop, look the kid in the eye and say "I need to ask you to leave now" and walk him + Mom out.

We've done this with one of our friend families that really just don't seem to believe in discipline. We've sent them home early, we've left their house early - it's that or end the friendship and they seem to prefer putting up with the consequences of their lifestyle rather than cutting us off. Their call.

[Anonymous]

We do have to teach our kids to stand up to bullies but we are not obligated to invite them into our private sphere. DD is friends with a girl at school who is mean. After one playdate I never invited the girl to our home again. It's not my job to raise the kids of affluent healthy parents or to try to tell them how to do so. I don't waste our precious leisure time with those cause consternation.

[Anonymous]

I'd address my own child in front of the other child. If a mean comment was made about swimming skill, I would address it with my own child. "What Larlo said was unkind. He is little and learning how to be a good friend (or polite) yet. You too are learning and getting stronger at swimming all the time, keep it up!"

Whenever Larlo is rude I would point out he is "little and learning" to your child. It is true, but as Larlo wants to think he is the biggest and best and not wanting to hang with tiny tots, it will get his attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things come to mind. First, this kid is getting that kind of language from somewhere and is "trying it out." He's not necessarily a "mean kid." Does he have older siblings? Is he in daycare with older kids? It's very possible that he's being made fun of for being the youngest all the time and is taking it out on someone else when he gets the chance. Knowing this might help you understand better and to treat the situation with some care so that you can help him feel better about himself while also stopping the language with your kid.

Second, almost no kids who are 4.5 are "excellent swimmers" without floaties, and your kid at 3.5 is way above the curve if he's even attempting to swim well without them. No way should you feel bad if the other kid is swimming well without them and yours isn't. And it's very possible that the kid won't mention it because so many others in this age range will be just like your kid, not like him.

Finally, it's fine to make the comments you've suggested. You don't have to hover and freak out about it, but it's also important to note that this is not appropriate behavior. What some of the PPs suggested sounds good to me. "Hey, that's not a nice way to talk! Why don't you show him how you do X so he can play with you?"

OP here. This child is in daycare, and has one sibling, who is 2 and not talking yet, so he's not picking up this language from them. He is very preoccupied with the fact that he's older and more skilled in many things than my son. I personally think it's quite obnoxious that the mom never corrects him. But I'm willing to give a playdate another chance--she has invited us to get together over 10 times in the last 1.5 years, and I've always declined, but I thought I'd give things another try because I like the mom. Also we can't get together just us moms because of her childcare situation (she works full-time and has no one to watch the child while she goes out due to financial issues).

And yes, this kid is an amazing swimmer--he can swim in the deep end without floaties by himself. His father used to be a professional swimmer so he taught him from a young age I guess.

So the last time you saw this mom she had a 3yo and a baby (1.5 years ago that 2yo sibling was an infant), and you think she’s a bad mom because her 3yo was acting like a 3yo? Don’t get together with them, you’re incredibly selfish and probably only have 1 kid who is the center of your world. Leave this poor lady alone. I’m sure she has other friends who are actually nice people.