Another child says mean things to mine and parent does nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would say something to the other child! I have told other children that they were being unkind or that I didn't like something they said or did to my kids. First and foremost, I want my kids to know that I have their back and model the responses that I want them to copy.

OP here. I totally agree. I want my son to know that I'm standing up for him. But when I've done that in the past (said something along the lines of "that wasn't a nice thing to say"), the parent has given me a nasty look (while saying nothing at all to their child), so I wanted to double-check with DCUM if this is okay.

My question is why do parents say nothing in these situations?????

Because they don't know how. Kids don't just do what you tell them (maybe your kid is especially easy? mine is REALLY difficult and parenting him has required getting parenting coaching at different times because I had NO IDEA how to react to things he was doing - plus parenting small children is not always intuitive), and maybe her child gets worse when she does pay attention to the negative behavior and behaves better when she pays attention to the positive behavior. Maybe she's super overwhelmed and struggling for reasons that you aren't aware of because you're busy calling her a terrible mom and not actually being a good friend.

If you want to give the friendship another chance go to coffee WITHOUT the kids and just be friends, not playdate friends.

DP here. I agree, she could be overwhelmed, but she could just as well be lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not do a play date where they can actually play together? If your kid can’t swim and the other boy can, it’s going to be a drag for the other boy. I’d relocate to a playground or your house to set up a situation that can yield better results.

Your friend should discipline her kid. You should say something to him if she doesn’t.

+1 Do not intentionally set everyone up for failure. And DO NOT do the whole positive reinforcement thing with the other child - you will look and sound foolish and weird. Go to the playground and keep and eye on things. If the other kid is mean, no more get togethers, but you don’t need to tell anyone this. Maybe thing have changed. But the pool with different Swimming levels is no fun for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I totally agree. I want my son to know that I'm standing up for him. But when I've done that in the past (said something along the lines of "that wasn't a nice thing to say"), the parent has given me a nasty look (while saying nothing at all to their child), so I wanted to double-check with DCUM if this is okay.

My question is why do parents say nothing in these situations?????

OP to answer your question, it's either because they are: in denial about what they saw, too embarrassed to do anything, wishing the problem would go away by itself, or their standards on treating people and raising children are different from yours. Btw, the part I bolded is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do a play date where they can actually play together? If your kid can’t swim and the other boy can, it’s going to be a drag for the other boy. I’d relocate to a playground or your house to set up a situation that can yield better results.

Your friend should discipline her kid. You should say something to him if she doesn’t.

+1 Do not intentionally set everyone up for failure. And DO NOT do the whole positive reinforcement thing with the other child - you will look and sound foolish and weird. Go to the playground and keep and eye on things. If the other kid is mean, no more get togethers, but you don’t need to tell anyone this. Maybe thing have changed. But the pool with different Swimming levels is no fun for anyone.

+1

DP here. I agree with this post, with my take: you don't have to gush or encourage the other kid, or even be positive toward the other kid, at this rate. You are not the other kid's parents. Other parents are exhausting when they try to suck all your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, if you're going to give this kid another chance, you have to actually give him another chance. Kids can change a LOT in a year and a half. You're already imagining the mean things you think this kid will say to your kid--he hasn't said anything yet!

And if he does, just respond, "That's not a kind thing to say," or something. You don't have to hang out with these people, but don't borrow trouble, either.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Why will none of you speak up?

I give the other parent one or two chances to say something. If they don't say something after the first comment (or second), I start to say something when her child does something wrong. If she doesn't like it, then she can either parent or she can end the playdates. I assume she doesn't know what or how to say something. Many parents don't. So you show her by example. If she doesn't like it, she can do her job as a parent, or she will find herself out of playdates as she avoids people who won't put up with her child. It isn't the child's fault. All children say inappropriate things. Most children learn what is and is not appropriate from their parents who correct them when they say something wrong or teach them how to say nicer things. This child hasn't learned because his parent(s) have not taught him what is and is not appropriate. So step in and help him and her out; say something to him. If she sees you; she may either realize that she needs to say something or she may learn how to say it from watching you.

[Anonymous]

If the kid still says mean things to your kid, and the mom still does nothing, I wouldn't see them again. My kid's wellbeing comes first.

A casual friend of mine practices attachment parenting. Her interpretation of it (I don't know enough about it to know if it's accurate) is that she never tells her kid no or disciplines her for anything, ever - she just acknowledges and redirects: "it sounds like you don't like X, let's go do Y instead". This child says similarly nasty things - "I won't eat this food, it sucks" or "this is stupid, I hate you". I don't think it's appropriate to parent someone else's child, but I stopped accepting playdates because they're not enjoyable for me or my child due to the her child's attitude. We text occasionally but I never agree to meet up.

[Anonymous]

You're not in control of the other kid and you're not responsible for teaching the other kid.

In that scenario, I talk to MY kid. "Do you like it when Larlo says that to you?" "No." "Well, you can tell Larlo 'I don't like it when you say/do X. Let's say/do Y instead.' Practice it with me." [we'd practice until he felt confident]. Then I'd send him to go do it.

If Larlo were still being a little jerk, we'd leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kid still says mean things to your kid, and the mom still does nothing, I wouldn't see them again. My kid's wellbeing comes first.

OP here. I agree and that's why I haven't seen this friend in over 1.5 years. I decided to give them another chance though. If it happens again, should I tell the mom why we've decided not to get together with them again--i.e. her son's rude comments and her lack of doing anything about them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kid still says mean things to your kid, and the mom still does nothing, I wouldn't see them again. My kid's wellbeing comes first.

OP here. I agree and that's why I haven't seen this friend in over 1.5 years. I decided to give them another chance though. If it happens again, should I tell the mom why we've decided not to get together with them again--i.e. her son's rude comments and her lack of doing anything about them?

I don't understand why you're bothering, because you have already made up your mind that the kid is going to be rude.

I don't understand why you think that telling a woman you're not even friends with (because if you don't see someone for a year and a half because you think she's a bad parent, you're not really friends) that her kid is rude and she's a bad parent is going to help. She'll just think you're a judgmental b***h who overreacted about a little kid's rude comment.

I don't understand why you even want to spend time with this person--do you think you're doing her a favor by "giving her another chance"?

[Anonymous]

A few things come to mind. First, this kid is getting that kind of language from somewhere and is "trying it out." He's not necessarily a "mean kid." Does he have older siblings? Is he in daycare with older kids? It's very possible that he's being made fun of for being the youngest all the time and is taking it out on someone else when he gets the chance. Knowing this might help you understand better and to treat the situation with some care so that you can help him feel better about himself while also stopping the language with your kid.

Second, almost no kids who are 4.5 are "excellent swimmers" without floaties, and your kid at 3.5 is way above the curve if he's even attempting to swim well without them. No way should you feel bad if the other kid is swimming well without them and yours isn't. And it's very possible that the kid won't mention it because so many others in this age range will be just like your kid, not like him.

Finally, it's fine to make the comments you've suggested. You don't have to hover and freak out about it, but it's also important to note that this is not appropriate behavior. What some of the PPs suggested sounds good to me. "Hey, that's not a nice way to talk! Why don't you show him how you do X so he can play with you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not in control of the other kid and you're not responsible for teaching the other kid.

In that scenario, I talk to MY kid. "Do you like it when Larlo says that to you?" "No." "Well, you can tell Larlo 'I don't like it when you say/do X. Let's say/do Y instead.' Practice it with me." [we'd practice until he felt confident]. Then I'd send him to go do it.

If Larlo were still being a little jerk, we'd leave.

+1
I would say, "I think that hurts Larlo's feelings," instead of, "That was a mean thing to say."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not in control of the other kid and you're not responsible for teaching the other kid.

In that scenario, I talk to MY kid. "Do you like it when Larlo says that to you?" "No." "Well, you can tell Larlo 'I don't like it when you say/do X. Let's say/do Y instead.' Practice it with me." [we'd practice until he felt confident]. Then I'd send him to go do it.

If Larlo were still being a little jerk, we'd leave.

+1
I would say, "I think that hurts Larlo's feelings," instead of, "That was a mean thing to say."

OP here. That's a good suggestion, thank you. I will keep this in mind if the kid says something rude to me too (which he has done many times).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things come to mind. First, this kid is getting that kind of language from somewhere and is "trying it out." He's not necessarily a "mean kid." Does he have older siblings? Is he in daycare with older kids? It's very possible that he's being made fun of for being the youngest all the time and is taking it out on someone else when he gets the chance. Knowing this might help you understand better and to treat the situation with some care so that you can help him feel better about himself while also stopping the language with your kid.

Second, almost no kids who are 4.5 are "excellent swimmers" without floaties, and your kid at 3.5 is way above the curve if he's even attempting to swim well without them. No way should you feel bad if the other kid is swimming well without them and yours isn't. And it's very possible that the kid won't mention it because so many others in this age range will be just like your kid, not like him.

Finally, it's fine to make the comments you've suggested. You don't have to hover and freak out about it, but it's also important to note that this is not appropriate behavior. What some of the PPs suggested sounds good to me. "Hey, that's not a nice way to talk! Why don't you show him how you do X so he can play with you?"

OP here. This child is in daycare, and has one sibling, who is 2 and not talking yet, so he's not picking up this language from them. He is very preoccupied with the fact that he's older and more skilled in many things than my son. I personally think it's quite obnoxious that the mom never corrects him. But I'm willing to give a playdate another chance--she has invited us to get together over 10 times in the last 1.5 years, and I've always declined, but I thought I'd give things another try because I like the mom. Also we can't get together just us moms because of her childcare situation (she works full-time and has no one to watch the child while she goes out due to financial issues).

And yes, this kid is an amazing swimmer--he can swim in the deep end without floaties by himself. His father used to be a professional swimmer so he taught him from a young age I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a troll. Who would schedule a get-together with someone who is mean to them and their child, and make elaborate plans about what to say when that happens, if the person isn't even a friend any more?

And if you cared enough to try to improve the situation, why wouldn't you change it to make a plan where the kids' abilities match better?