How to ask my 14 yo DD if she's gay
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I think my 14 year old (8th grade) daughter might be gay and I'm wondering how to ask her about it. It seems kind of ridiculous to me that I'm even posing this question because I think my daughter and I have a good relationship, and my husband and I have always been very open to all kinds of lifestyle/personal choice options (much to the dismay of our kids' grandparents who wish they - and we - would conform to 1960s norms in everything from appearance to behavior to career and housing choice).
Anyway, for at least a year - maybe 2 - DD has been peppering our conversations with info about gay-related topics. She will tell me about actors who are gay, real life stories she's read online, news items/current events, etc. She does a lot of creative writing apart from school and her main characters are usually gay. Today she simply stated "We're celebrating gay pride month at school." - and I wondered, why is she telling me this except to try to tell me something?? (For the record my DH was in the room too but later admitted that her statement made no impact on him.) My response was something like "Oh that's cool, I didn't know it was gay pride month - what are you doing to celebrate?" and she told me she's going to wear rainbow socks. But I was dying to say something like, "Oh, that's cool, so I'm wondering are you gay?" For awhile I've wondered whether she might come out to me, but I remember at that age not wanting to explicitly tell my mom things - I would just hint around and hope she got the message. My mom appeared to never get these hints, and now I'm wondering if I am the dense mother. I mean, does anyone ever just say, "are you gay?" Literally I'm wondering what words I should use to ask her. Even the phrasing "do you think you're gay" sounds almost insulting since it I feel it implies she's just "thinking" she's gay when if she really IS gay, then I assume she KNOWS it. Especially since she was well into puberty by 4th grade. I also don't want to make her feel weird or uncomfortable if she's NOT gay. I don't want to put words in her mouth or startle her or make her feel like she has to explain herself. Maybe some conversations are just going to be awkward no matter what and I have to be ok with that? I've thought about asking advice from my gay friends/colleagues, but haven't yet. Any thoughts appreciated. |
Anonymous
| Don't ask -- if she's gay, she'll tell you when she's ready. |
Anonymous
|
She's only 14. Chill.
|
Anonymous
| OP, best thing you can do is reassure her through your actions and empathy that no matter what you will love her. Sounds like you are on the right track. Continue to be available to her when she needs you, as all teens (straight or gay) need their parents. Support her and help her build her confidence in who she is. She will tell you if / when she’s ready. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you can start saying things more explicitly to let her know you’re ok with it. For instance, if the idea of her future spouse comes up, you could use “he or she” instead of just “he.” |
Anonymous
| Have you asked her whether she has friends who are gay? |
Anonymous
| Let her come to you. Throughout elementary and middle school my parents asked me if I liked girls or "looked" at girls and it made me scared to actually come out to them. |
Anonymous
| Geez you people are paranoid. Just ask if she freaks out "OH MY GOD MOM HOW COULD YOU!!" - just say sorry and explain why you were wondering. I'm sure you kid will appreciate seeing mom do/say something stupid every once in a while it shows you're human and not some parent-bot that never errs and only gives orders. |
Anonymous
| Don't pressure her into "declaring" anything one way or the other, even from a very well meaning and open minded parent. Last thing a kid wants is for mom or dad to be up in their business |
Anonymous
|
Just show that you are welcoming and supportive of gay people. If she tells you about a gay celebrity, say, "I didn't know that. It's great that she is using her talent and platform to help other people."
Don't ask, just make it clear with your words and actions that you view and treat gay people with respect, dignity and a welcome attitude. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, I'd add that just when there is a good time to say it, pepper your conversations with "It's so important to be yourself." or maybe you have a story about your own social interaction with a friend and you can say "I love that my friend Larla let me be exactly who I am! Being authentic and loved is so important, I hope you feel that way with me and your dad." |
Anonymous
| You don't. |
Anonymous
don't say "we will love you no matter what" |
Anonymous
| I agree with all the people who are saying "dont ask" but I guess what's missing is the reason. For me, it would be too exposing anyone would be understandably uncomfortable. I think your intuition, even in posting this Q here, is what matters. It is on your radar... you are NOT the "dense mother" because you are getting the messages. So you dont have a conclusive answer... she might not either. But she is testing you, and making sure you are "safe." It sounds like you are doing well (at least, from how you describe it). When I think back to my coming out process, and dealing with the extended family, i think it would have been great to know that I had an advocate in my mom. My grandma wished I had longer hair and wore skirts... I wish my Mom would have told her (nicely) to shut it and stuck up for me. Instead, I ended up feeling like I let the whole family down because I was different. Anyway, good luck to you and your family. |
Anonymous
I can understand your logic, but at the same time, the question is very intrusive and sensitive, and it might get you this answer your describe simply based on anxiety and self-preservation, and not necessarily because it is true. |