How to ask my 14 yo DD if she's gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all the people who are saying "dont ask" but I guess what's missing is the reason. For me, it would be too exposing anyone would be understandably uncomfortable. I think your intuition, even in posting this Q here, is what matters. It is on your radar... you are NOT the "dense mother" because you are getting the messages. So you dont have a conclusive answer... she might not either. But she is testing you, and making sure you are "safe." It sounds like you are doing well (at least, from how you describe it). When I think back to my coming out process, and dealing with the extended family, i think it would have been great to know that I had an advocate in my mom. My grandma wished I had longer hair and wore skirts... I wish my Mom would have told her (nicely) to shut it and stuck up for me. Instead, I ended up feeling like I let the whole family down because I was different. Anyway, good luck to you and your family.

+1
Dont ask just keep an open dialogue

[Anonymous]

My youngest is gay. He came out to me at 15. Don't ask. Just maintain open communication and model unconditional love and acceptance.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I've mulled this over more and now I realize that asking her about it probably serves my needs more than it helps her. I had originally thought that asking would be a way to support her if she needed it - but it sounds like as long as she knows we're accepting she can figure things out in her own time.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask. You may feel like you just want to help her and support her, but it's still a form of forcing her out of the closet before she's ready.

Sounds like I was at her age... I kept hinting and bringing up gay actors and gay 'topics' to gauge my parent's reactions. Once I felt 100% sure they were comfortable with homosexuality, I came out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I've mulled this over more and now I realize that asking her about it probably serves my needs more than it helps her. I had originally thought that asking would be a way to support her if she needed it - but it sounds like as long as she knows we're accepting she can figure things out in her own time.

That's great, OP! Good luck. You are a caring mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, best thing you can do is reassure her through your actions and empathy that no matter what you will love her. Sounds like you are on the right track. Continue to be available to her when she needs you, as all teens (straight or gay) need their parents. Support her and help her build her confidence in who she is. She will tell you if / when she’s ready.

don't say "we will love you no matter what"

NP. Why is that a bad thing to say?

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

I knew my sexual preference was for boys when I was 14, though I was years from actually having sex. Do you not remember being 14?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can start saying things more explicitly to let her know you’re ok with it. For instance, if the idea of her future spouse comes up, you could use “he or she” instead of just “he.”

I have always done this with my kids (dd 14 and ds 11) and now everytime I say it, my ds responds "why do you think I'm gay?"

damned if you do and damned if you don't...

[Anonymous]

Remember that it's not a lifestyle or choice.

[Anonymous]

sounds like she's testing the waters with you, to make sure you are "safe" and would not have a bad reaction if she were to tell you she was gay.

I'd wait until she tells you...but since you have a good relationship, I don't think it's the end of the world if next time she brings something up, just to say, "have you ever wondered if you might be gay or bi?" (not when anyone else is there)

during a car ride is the best because nobody is looking at each other...things get said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, best thing you can do is reassure her through your actions and empathy that no matter what you will love her. Sounds like you are on the right track. Continue to be available to her when she needs you, as all teens (straight or gay) need their parents. Support her and help her build her confidence in who she is. She will tell you if / when she’s ready.

don't say "we will love you no matter what"

NP. Why is that a bad thing to say?

It implies that they’re choosing to love the kid despite the kid doing something disappointing. The kid can’t help her orientation.

It would be more helpful to show through words and actions that they’re accepting of the lgbt community. One big way would be to make sure, if you go to church, they take the family to an open and affirming church.

[Anonymous]

She's 14. Chill and don't worry. Answer her questions. Don't label her, she may or may not be gay, let her figure it out and voluntary tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that it's not a lifestyle or choice.

So, sexuality is not fluid?

[Anonymous]

OP, would you ever ask 14 y.o. if she is straight? Probably not. Give her some time to figure out.