How to ask my 14 yo DD if she's gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

I knew my sexual preference was for boys when I was 14, though I was years from actually having sex. Do you not remember being 14?

Do you mean your were attracted to boys or did your have a desire to have sex with them at the age of 14?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez you people are paranoid. Just ask if she freaks out "OH MY GOD MOM HOW COULD YOU!!" - just say sorry and explain why you were wondering. I'm sure you kid will appreciate seeing mom do/say something stupid every once in a while it shows you're human and not some parent-bot that never errs and only gives orders.

Do NOT follow this advice. If you pry into this aspect of her life before she is ready, it may actually make her lie to you and then not trust herself around you and close herself off from the close relationship that you have. Kids nowadays have a lot less pressure in discussing and analyzing their own sexuality than children 20 or 30 years ago, but there is still a stigma (albeit less than before) about being gay and there is still and uncertainty about "coming out" until the individual can be prepared for whatever reaction and response they may get. It takes some kids longer to come to terms with this aspect of their individuality and to be ready to discuss this with anyone, especially a parent.

Make sure that you present a warm and welcoming environment. You did well when you responded to her announcement about gay pride month. Yes, it may be the first overture trying to find out how receptive you are to homosexuality. When she discusses gay topics, make sure to engage, not only basic responses, but continue the discussion. When she discusses a gay public figure, ask what other information she knows about the individual, whether she is interested in what they do or just the public image of the individual (e.g. "Oh, Jane Doe is gay? Do you like her movies? Has she been in the news lately? What for? Oh, she's been speaking about gay marriage? Interesting. What has she been saying?" and so on). If she is telling you information about gay topics, she's trying to gauge your comfort level. Show her that you are comfortable talking about whatever she introduces. Once she knows that you are comfortable with the gay topics that she introduces, she will then be able to feel comfortable talking to you about her own sexuality because she knows you are open and accepting of the topics.

Then, just wait for her to broach the topic. Be open and accepting, but don't pry.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation. We suspect child (15) may be out at school but not to us (straight parents). Figure DC will tell us as ready. But is also a long wait.

[Anonymous]

My youngest is gay. He is 17. He came out to us at 14. My advice would be not to ask. Let her tell you when she is ready. But remain open to discussing LGTBQ issues. Let her know you love her unconditionally. That matters more than anything else.

[Anonymous]

In my house I’ve just always made sure not to presume Heteronormativity. Every conversation from a young age has been ‘when you grow up and get married— to a boy or a girl’ so that there is comfort for kids either way. I’ve found that my dad ended up more open to discussing homosexuality, da has been more influenced by homophobic peers, which is such a shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't ask -- if she's gay, she'll tell you when she's ready.

This. And mine came out at 11. Your child might be gay. If so, she might wait until she feels sure, or she wants to date a girl, or she thinks you can really handle the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house I’ve just always made sure not to presume Heteronormativity. Every conversation from a young age has been ‘when you grow up and get married— to a boy or a girl’ so that there is comfort for kids either way. I’ve found that my dad ended up more open to discussing homosexuality, da has been more influenced by homophobic peers, which is such a shame.

that should have read *daughter more open, son more influenced by homophobic peers.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is prepping you for news at some point, but I agree, don't ask. My 16 DD told us she was gay last year - I have to say, we didn't see it coming- no hinting, she was very into boys and had dated a couple of boyfriends. A year later she is now on her second very intense relationship with a female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

My best friend since childhood (who came out at 16) says there was never a time he didn’t know, even before he knew what “gay” was - his crushes even in grade school were always on boys. There’s nothing creepy about wanting to have the information in order to support your child, though I agree with the posters that say not to ask and let her come out when she’s ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house I’ve just always made sure not to presume Heteronormativity. Every conversation from a young age has been ‘when you grow up and get married— to a boy or a girl’ so that there is comfort for kids either way. I’ve found that my dad ended up more open to discussing homosexuality, da has been more influenced by homophobic peers, which is such a shame.

Yes. I’ve always said stuff like, “well some day if you get Mattie d, your husband or wife may ...”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

I knew my sexual preference was for boys when I was 14, though I was years from actually having sex. Do you not remember being 14?

Do you mean your were attracted to boys or did your have a desire to have sex with them at the age of 14?

DP here - This is such an odd line of questions. Are you suggesting that 14 year olds don’t want to have sex? I’m a mom of five. My youngest is 17. If you believe 14 year olds aren’t talking about and having sex, you must have very young children. I hope you spend a little time learning before your kids are older. It is imperative that you talk to kids about sex long before 14. Many, many 14 year olds are sexually active. Mine were not, thankfully. But like the majority of kids, they most definitely had sexual attractions by 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is prepping you for news at some point, but I agree, don't ask. My 16 DD told us she was gay last year - I have to say, we didn't see it coming- no hinting, she was very into boys and had dated a couple of boyfriends. A year later she is now on her second very intense relationship with a female.

I’m the PP with the 17 year old gay son. He came out to us at 14. I 100% did not see it coming. We actually thought another one of the kids might be gay. Nope. Straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

I knew my sexual preference was for boys when I was 14, though I was years from actually having sex. Do you not remember being 14?

Dp. I remember being 14. I had a huge girl crush on a classmate. I wanted to be exactly like her; I watched her every move and got nervous around her. I was terrified that I was gay. I didn’t know the difference between a crush on a boy, which I had also had, and the confused feelings I had for this girl, which were intense but not sexual.

Eventually I figured it out, but 14 is a tender, confused age generally. If someone had asked me if I was gay at that point it would have sent me into a tailspin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who flicked out about the situation when adult ask the 14 y.o. child about child's sexual preferences? It sounds creepy.

I knew my sexual preference was for boys when I was 14, though I was years from actually having sex. Do you not remember being 14?

Dp. I remember being 14. I had a huge girl crush on a classmate. I wanted to be exactly like her; I watched her every move and got nervous around her. I was terrified that I was gay. I didn’t know the difference between a crush on a boy, which I had also had, and the confused feelings I had for this girl, which were intense but not sexual.

Eventually I figured it out, but 14 is a tender, confused age generally. If someone had asked me if I was gay at that point it would have sent me into a tailspin.

It’s possible to be heterosexual but homoromantic. I consider myself pretty straight, but I do experience sexual attraction to other women, just not romantic feelings. I can imagine bedding a woman, but not marrying one. My romantic activities and fantasies have always been male-oriented.

[Anonymous]

OP, here are my thoughts:

My niece came out to her parents when she was 20-something. They had NO idea she might be gay, but they had always been committed to acceptance and were fairly unconventional people with many unconventional friends. Nothing in my niece's life before she came out would have ever hinted at her not being heterosexual. Nothing in their parenting would have suggested theu might have an issue (nor did they) but for her making the announcement was a really big deal.

One of my best friend's daughters was very involved in LGBTQ organizations and advocacy in high school and college, still is now that she's out of college, and is NOT gay.

I have a friend who came out after raising kids as a evangelical Christian mother (she's still Christian but found a welcoming evangelical church in Denver). I was flabbergasted.