S/O: my husband...did not get hot

[Anonymous]

He was in good shape when we met, and more importantly he liked being active. I don't expect some Adonis with a six pack, but he's not even 40 yet and has a big flabby stomach and manboobs. Try as I might, I just cannot find that attractive. He will sometimes go on bike rides with me if I push it, but that's about it. How can I encourage him to foster a healthy regular exercise routine? Is that just an impossible mission? I know he feels fat and doesn't like how he looks, but obviously "it bothers me" is as far as he gets. If I had to guess, his biggest holdup (aside from just laziness/complacency) would be that he's tired...but so am I. We're all tired...

The thing is, when we met he DID prioritize fitness. Staying active and healthy is a huge priority to me and it's something I actively looked for in a mate - I feel like I was duped. I hate to say it but we have a group beach trip coming up and I really am kind of embarrassed. The boobs are...not unnoticeable.

[Anonymous]

There are countless examples of spouses of both genders who do not prioritize/value staying in shape and looking good for their spouse. These folks should not be surprised when their spouse is unhappy about this. We all should work to be attractive to our spouse.

[Anonymous]

Being out of shape and not “knowing your numbers” (BP, cholesterol,etc) can become life threatening as he moves into his 40’s.

One of my in-laws just passed away unexpectedly at 47 a few weeks ago due to a heart attack. He was my favorite in-law and so full of life. His wife and kids are having to put their lives back together.

Sit your husband down and tell him to get his sh*t together. Tell him that you expect him take care of himself and be able to run and play with your grandchildren. Also, it’s hard to be attracted to him.

Guys can take hard conversations and sometimes you just need to hit them over the head with it so that they understand.

[Anonymous]

Can you guys go to the gym together? Take a walk after dinner every night? Go hiking? Take a dance class? Tell him, "When we met, you really prioritized being active, and I loved that. I feel like we don't do those things together anymore, and I miss them. What sounds fun to you?"

[Anonymous]

Stomach fat is the most dangerous kind of fat. How is his health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you guys go to the gym together? Take a walk after dinner every night? Go hiking? Take a dance class? Tell him, "When we met, you really prioritized being active, and I loved that. I feel like we don't do those things together anymore, and I miss them. What sounds fun to you?"

Unfortunately we have young kids so hitting the gym together on a daily basis isn't really an option. I much prefer working out in a gym, but have mostly relied on at home workouts lately for convenience reasons. I invited him to join me (and don't even have a problem with him hitting the gym post-dinner), but he just wants to sit in the couch and veg.

[Anonymous]

Go on a date with a young stud. That will get his attention.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband was exactly like your DH. I’ve always been fit and active my entire life—I’ve played sports since I was old enough to join little league, I’ve been a runner since junior high, and at 38 I still run a lot of races and play in different sports leagues. For me, athleticism and fitness are a trait that I look for in a partner just like any other—like someone who is generous or has a sense of humor. When he changed it really bothered me, and also because generally in life he got lazy. Didn’t want to do anything around the house, didn’t want to go out on dates, didn’t want to even walk the dog. It really poisoned our relationship for me and we didn’t have kids, so we divorced. I’m with someone new for longer now than I was with my ex and he shares the same view as me on fitness and sports and my life is so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go on a date with a young stud. That will get his attention.

Lol. I'll be sure to try this, thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being out of shape and not “knowing your numbers” (BP, cholesterol,etc) can become life threatening as he moves into his 40’s.

One of my in-laws just passed away unexpectedly at 47 a few weeks ago due to a heart attack. He was my favorite in-law and so full of life. His wife and kids are having to put their lives back together.

Sit your husband down and tell him to get his sh*t together. Tell him that you expect him take care of himself and be able to run and play with your grandchildren. Also, it’s hard to be attracted to him.

Guys can take hard conversations and sometimes you just need to hit them over the head with it so that they understand.

I completely agree with you.

The thing is, I have done this - twice before, we had what kind of felt like serious candid come-to-Jesus talks. He agreed with me completely (and obviously felt crappy about himself)...he agreed it wasn't okay, and he needed to make changes, etc. but then...he doesn't. I don't know what else to do short of taking on the role of constant nagger, which doesn't seem like the right route?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband was exactly like your DH. I’ve always been fit and active my entire life—I’ve played sports since I was old enough to join little league, I’ve been a runner since junior high, and at 38 I still run a lot of races and play in different sports leagues. For me, athleticism and fitness are a trait that I look for in a partner just like any other—like someone who is generous or has a sense of humor. When he changed it really bothered me, and also because generally in life he got lazy. Didn’t want to do anything around the house, didn’t want to go out on dates, didn’t want to even walk the dog. It really poisoned our relationship for me and we didn’t have kids, so we divorced. I’m with someone new for longer now than I was with my ex and he shares the same view as me on fitness and sports and my life is so much better.

Whelp...I guess all I can really say is I'm jealous? It sucks; it has been a major disappointment.

[Anonymous]

I’m in this same boat and I’ll be reading this for advice. I constantly worry he is going to have a heart attack. Both his parents have had multiple and his dad’s first was when he was 47. My DH is 44 now and since he doesn’t take care of himself I don’t see anything different for his future health. We have two kids and that still doesn’t motivate him.

[Anonymous]

Put the "health" fear of God in him.
Rid the house of junk food and only serve healthy food.
Get on a real fitness program yourself and he might finally get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was in good shape when we met, and more importantly he liked being active. I don't expect some Adonis with a six pack, but he's not even 40 yet and has a big flabby stomach and manboobs. Try as I might, I just cannot find that attractive. He will sometimes go on bike rides with me if I push it, but that's about it. How can I encourage him to foster a healthy regular exercise routine? Is that just an impossible mission? I know he feels fat and doesn't like how he looks, but obviously "it bothers me" is as far as he gets. If I had to guess, his biggest holdup (aside from just laziness/complacency) would be that he's tired...but so am I. We're all tired...

The thing is, when we met he DID prioritize fitness. Staying active and healthy is a huge priority to me and it's something I actively looked for in a mate - I feel like I was duped. I hate to say it but we have a group beach trip coming up and I really am kind of embarrassed. The boobs are...not unnoticeable.

My husband is in the same situation as yours plus a few years, and I will say that while the health concerns are definitely legitimate, it sounds like your issue is that you're not attracted to him and you're embarrassed by his weight. The former is understandable. The latter does not speak well of you. You married the person that he is. That you feel like you were duped says that you care more about the person that he looks like, rather than the person he is.

Imagine yourself sharing this post with your husband. How do you think he would feel? How do you think you would feel?

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed and you sound very self absorbed.