S/O: my husband...did not get hot
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Anonymous
Not at all. The health/lifestyle component is a big part of the person that he (anyone) is. Yes I am not attracted to how he looks, but what is even more worrisome/unattractive is that he is completely sedentary and unhealthy. If he was one of those guys you see out jogging regularly who is still overweight but getting a good sweat in, this wouldn't be an issue for me. I feel duped because when we met he presented himself as someone who prioritized being active and staying in shape, and now he doesn't even pretend to try or care. His body but moreover his attitude is a huge turnoff, and if you think I'm a bad lesson for that then...oh well. Of COURSE he would feel hurt if I told him 'I hate that you are fat and lazy and have manboobs and have just given up on trying to be healthy'; that's why I'm talking about it here instead. |
Anonymous
What are you basing that on? |
Anonymous
Dp. I agree about the husband. I'd say op is focused on the wrong issue (dad bod). |
Anonymous
| I don’t think OP is self absorbed at all. For many people, being healthy and into fitness is a character trait that is important to them. If the guy was, say, outgoing and extroverted, and that was a major thing that attracted OP to him in the first place, if he all of a sudden became a total hermit who refused to socialize, you wouldn’t call her self absorbed. You would tell her that this was something important to her and that it wasn’t fair for him to change like that. It’s actually HIM who is very self absorbed, to be honest. He’s changing the script and everyone expects OP to just put up with it. |
Anonymous
See, I know that you think that's how you feel about it, but several things in your OP really stuck out that indicated the superficiality of your concerns. You are embarrassed to go on a beach vacation because of the way his body looks? Why is that? Why is that embarrassing to you? Do you think your friends will think less of you because your husband is fat? As for "feeling duped", I think that it's probably the case that most people who are overweight do care about their health. I talk to my husband about this all the time. He is very concerned with his health, and that's actually his biggest worry about his body right now - that he will suffer some weight-related illness. Knowing that and fearing it doesn't make it easy to get motivated to lose weight. My husband has been very good about diet in the past but when he is depressed and demoralized, he relies on food. He snacks too much and he knows he snacks too much. We have tried not having snacks in the house. We have tried having portioned snacks available at all times. No approach works 100% of the time. It is a matter of motivation and discipline, both of which are hard to have if you are depressed and demoralized. You know what doesn't help with depression and demoralization? A spouse who judges you about your weight. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Psh. You can choose to be an enabler and encourage your husband's excuse-making. Doesn't mean OP has to do the same. Saying you care about your health but doing absolutely nothing to counteract your concerns does not win you any brownie points in my book |
Anonymous
I think what you don't really understand is that it's pretty easy for you to sit on your side of your screen and say those things, but it's harder to say those things to the person in front of you, who is your partner, who you love (presumably). It's hard to lose weight, and you have to prioritize it. But my point is that when OP says she feels duped, that indicates that she maybe thinks her husband was lying about prioritizing fitness when they got together. When my husband and I got together, we went out all the time and traveled a lot. We don't do that stuff as much anymore because we're not interested in it and would frankly rather stay home 90% of the time. Does that mean that we duped each other by enjoying travel and socializing early on? No. It means that people's priorities change and it's got nothing to do with dishonesty. |
Anonymous
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Health does not equal 6 pack abs.
So glad I am not so shallow. |
Anonymous
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My take as a late 30's dude married to a woman with a bikini body that pisses off all the other women at the pool / beach.
- Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. My wife works hard for her body, but she's also naturally built thin, but with C cups. I'm sure she could hypothetically eat her way to a size 16, but she's naturally a very tall size 0 or 2, even when she doesn't work out. When she doesn't work out for months on end (and gains a little weight), the only difference is her butt / thighs get a little saggy. - Other women I know have had to basically starve themselves to get the same body. They look amazing, but it's not healthy, nor is it sustainable. I dated a girl once that I'm now friends with. Something came up years later about what great physical chemistry we had and what a great body she had (no, not like in comparison to her not having a great body today. I'm not that stupid). Her response was "Yeah, that's because I had a full blown eating disorder and had to seek treatment afterwards..." My sister has massive weight swings, and looks amazing when she's thin, but can never stay there. - On the guy side, many of us tend to get lazy once we're getting steady affection, sex, have kids, etc. To be honest, it's kind of the "I've already won" mentality, and I know it's not healthy or good for the relationship. I have a pretty great life, and it's really easy to eat and drink too much, especially on business trips (I travel frequently). Couple that with getting sick more often when kids are small (they're always bringing stuff home), which puts a big damper on a workout regimen. And, when traveling / working long hours, and entertaining clients late into the night, it's that much harder to get up and go to the gym at 5am. - Personally, I've realized that my weight and activity level has a massive impact on my energy level, performance at work, drive to get S done around the house, and sex drive with my wife. I'm also aware that people make professional judgements all the time based on how you look, and an in-shape guy in a slim fit suit is going to do way better with clients, sales, and getting promoted than a pudgy dude in a suit that fits like a pillowcase. These are all big drivers for me. Maybe figure out if you can use any of them as motivators for him. Did he get passed up for a promotion? Feels like he's not where he wants to be at work? Complaining about feeling tired and getting sick a lot? Exercise and diet does wonders for all of that. - I agree with others that you're going to have to get his butt in gear. Throw out the junk food, chastise him for snacking, make him eat healthier, drink less, etc. I know this is not fun or sexy for a spouse to have to do, and you might feel like his mother, but I'm being pragmatic here. - From a diet standpoint, you can eat your way through any exercise regimen, so you have to start eating better. That means cutting out snacking, or at least small portions of healthier snacks. Reducing liquid calories (lots of sugar in coffee / soda / tea, alcohol). Making better decisions at restaurants. Ordering a meal, eating half, and taking the rest home. You can help him with this. - From an activity standpoint, he needs to find one or two activities, and stick with it. I used to hate running, but have found that I really like trail running in the woods, so try to do that up to 5 times a week. I'll go 25 days in a month running 2-4 miles every day and feel great, then disaster will strike. Multiple business trips in a row followed by a long cold and work stress or something. You have to get his body craving it, and get back on the horse when the regimen gets interrupted (which it inevitably will). - Lifting weights is also a great way for a guy to look better (both with clothes and naked) for pretty minimal work. I bought a bunch of dumbbells and a weight bench, and lift every other day in my basement for like 10-15 minutes. It's super fast, not hard work, my testosterone levels skyrocket (you'll benefit), my wife loves it, and I love it too. It won't give me a six pack (I'm 6'1, 200 lbs), but I'll look a heck of a lot better in a bathing suit. |
Anonymous
You know, I used to think I was shallow, and thus I actively ignored the fact that my BF come husband was overweight. And now fat. But the truth is, I wasn't being shallow, looks matter. Being in shape matters. And being attractive for your partner matters. I don't think I'm shallow, it is part of the whole package. I wouldn't date/marry somebody who was gorgeous and nothing else, but if I divorce or end up single somehow, I will NOT date somebody who doesn't stay in shape and doesn't really turn me on, even if he is the nicest guy ever. |
Anonymous
OP literally said it's not like she expects a 6 pack or something |
Anonymous
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If your DH is like this and he isn't even 40, wait til he is in his 50+. Along with being fat and out of shape, he will have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, etc. Doctors don't tell you to lose weight because it only makes you look bad, but because there are clear health consequences that will shorten life and significantly negatively affect quality of life.
It is irresponsible to not take care of his health when he has a family. It really isn't just about looks. |
Anonymous
| if theres something to motivate any man or woman in their 30s to get up and do something about this now just wait a few years when the metabolism crashes in the mid 40s. I'm in better shape at 50 than I was at 40 but it took a ton of effort and had I kept going on the path I was at 38 who knows what I would look like now or what my Bp/cholesterol would be |
Anonymous
| join a gym with childcare like lifetime and you can work out together and even use it for date nights |