S/O: my husband...did not get hot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Health does not equal 6 pack abs.

So glad I am not so shallow.

Yup, true health means nanboovs and a gut - the bigger the better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My take as a late 30's dude married to a woman with a bikini body that pisses off all the other women at the pool / beach.

- Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. My wife works hard for her body, but she's also naturally built thin, but with C cups. I'm sure she could hypothetically eat her way to a size 16, but she's naturally a very tall size 0 or 2, even when she doesn't work out. When she doesn't work out for months on end (and gains a little weight), the only difference is her butt / thighs get a little saggy.

- Other women I know have had to basically starve themselves to get the same body. They look amazing, but it's not healthy, nor is it sustainable. I dated a girl once that I'm now friends with. Something came up years later about what great physical chemistry we had and what a great body she had (no, not like in comparison to her not having a great body today. I'm not that stupid). Her response was "Yeah, that's because I had a full blown eating disorder and had to seek treatment afterwards..." My sister has massive weight swings, and looks amazing when she's thin, but can never stay there.

- On the guy side, many of us tend to get lazy once we're getting steady affection, sex, have kids, etc. To be honest, it's kind of the "I've already won" mentality, and I know it's not healthy or good for the relationship. I have a pretty great life, and it's really easy to eat and drink too much, especially on business trips (I travel frequently). Couple that with getting sick more often when kids are small (they're always bringing stuff home), which puts a big damper on a workout regimen. And, when traveling / working long hours, and entertaining clients late into the night, it's that much harder to get up and go to the gym at 5am.

- Personally, I've realized that my weight and activity level has a massive impact on my energy level, performance at work, drive to get S done around the house, and sex drive with my wife. I'm also aware that people make professional judgements all the time based on how you look, and an in-shape guy in a slim fit suit is going to do way better with clients, sales, and getting promoted than a pudgy dude in a suit that fits like a pillowcase. These are all big drivers for me. Maybe figure out if you can use any of them as motivators for him. Did he get passed up for a promotion? Feels like he's not where he wants to be at work? Complaining about feeling tired and getting sick a lot? Exercise and diet does wonders for all of that.

- I agree with others that you're going to have to get his butt in gear. Throw out the junk food, chastise him for snacking, make him eat healthier, drink less, etc. I know this is not fun or sexy for a spouse to have to do, and you might feel like his mother, but I'm being pragmatic here.

- From a diet standpoint, you can eat your way through any exercise regimen, so you have to start eating better. That means cutting out snacking, or at least small portions of healthier snacks. Reducing liquid calories (lots of sugar in coffee / soda / tea, alcohol). Making better decisions at restaurants. Ordering a meal, eating half, and taking the rest home. You can help him with this.

- From an activity standpoint, he needs to find one or two activities, and stick with it. I used to hate running, but have found that I really like trail running in the woods, so try to do that up to 5 times a week. I'll go 25 days in a month running 2-4 miles every day and feel great, then disaster will strike. Multiple business trips in a row followed by a long cold and work stress or something. You have to get his body craving it, and get back on the horse when the regimen gets interrupted (which it inevitably will).

- Lifting weights is also a great way for a guy to look better (both with clothes and naked) for pretty minimal work. I bought a bunch of dumbbells and a weight bench, and lift every other day in my basement for like 10-15 minutes. It's super fast, not hard work, my testosterone levels skyrocket (you'll benefit), my wife loves it, and I love it too. It won't give me a six pack (I'm 6'1, 200 lbs), but I'll look a heck of a lot better in a bathing suit.

This is OP. Wow, that was really insightful / interesting to read - thank you! I completely agree that some people have to work much harder to stay in shape than others, and I am absolutely not expecting him to look like a male swimsuit model. I just want him to be healthy and fit and prioritize staying active. I always hear, "If you don't use it, you lose it" and I really think we're approaching that age.

The bolder paragraphs especially spoke to me. Other PPs seem to think he has depression (and can I absolutely definitively 1000% say that's not what's going on? No.), but I really think you're more on point with the idea that he's settled into a relatively happy and comfortable life and it just stopped being a priority. I think it's less a mental health think and more a thing where he's completely out of the habit of daily exercise and it feels like too much of a PITA to start so he doesn't. I mean, I LOVE working out and don't feel like myself when I take too long off...but even when I've had to take breaks (postpartum, surgery, etc) and have gotten out of the routine, it's something I have to really FORCE myself to do for awhile. We have a good life and are generally happy, and I think

You are SPOT on with the energy thing. Definite catch 22 but one of his biggest excuses is he doesn't have energy to work out / is exhausted by the end of the day (working out in the morning has been suggested but is out of the question - he's not a morning person at ALL). He doesn't work crazy hours or anything, but like everyone is tired by the end of the day + commute, and exercise just keeps getting pushed farther and farther back as a priority.

He is in sales and I think your point about the importance of looking fit as opposed to sloppy is also astute. I don't want it to seem like a dig though...Your advice (and other PPs, with one glaring exception) seems to be to just straight out, and in a supportive manner, bring some of these points up to him.. Yes?

Thanks again for your insight - I agree with PP, you should post more

Thanks! A couple of other quick thoughts / reactions:

- This is pretty personal, but a big motivator for me has been my sex life with my wife. She has always orgasmed extremely easily from pretty much anything I did (including straight PIV). Sex life was great in our 20's pre-kids, and I took pride in that. I'm one of those guys that derives sexual satisfaction from pleasing my partner rather than just having an orgasm. When kid #1 was born (around the age of 30), I was in the best shape of my life, and doing triathlons. Sex life took the normal hit in the first year, not just for my wife, but also my drive (most people don't know this, but a man's testosterone will drop by around 30% with a baby around). Not sexless, but not high volume either. My workouts also slowed way down due to the new baby and not getting sleep.

We were on the upswing when baby #2 arrived 4 years later, and since then (#2 is now 3), sex life has been up and down. Wife's drive is definitely down, energy levels are lower all around, we're busier with 2 kids, and careers are higher level with more responsibility. I had gone from 180 to 210 slowly over 6 or 7 years. I'm 6'1, so 210 is not man-boob territory, but it's not lean either. I basically went from Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy more toward Chris Pratt in Parks & Recreation (although not that bad). I wasn't happy with sex 3x per month, and sometimes going 3 weeks without.

So, motivated by that (along with the other things I mentioned earlier) 2 years ago I started trail running and lifting weights, and have dropped a waist size (36 inch to 34 inch), about 10 pounds, and packed back on a lot of upper body muscle. Wife loves it, I feel great in a swimsuit (even if I could lose another 10 pounds), bought a bunch of new work clothes (all very fitted), etc. Coworkers have commented how good I look.

I'm not suggesting withholding sex, but my wife makes sure to ogle me, touch my muscles (and like you wrote, it's nothing extreme, no 6 pack, but much better than 2 years ago), constantly tell me how proud she is of my working out, etc. I was frustrated about the sex issue (as so many men seem to be on DCUM), and focusing on fitness was one of the few ways I could try to directly improve it. I'm sure if my wife were writing this she would say that I'm motivated by the carrot (the carrot here being her expressing her attraction to me both verbally and physically).

- I'm also a big believer that both fitness and sex drive are training your body to want something. Both release endorphins in your brain, and do them enough, and your body will get use to and crave those endorphins. If I can get into a groove with working out, I crave it. It's still hard physically, but I stop dreading doing it, and look forward to it. I know I'll feel better afterwards, and enjoy the runner's high. I think sex is the same way. If I can get my wife to do it a few days in a row, suddenly she starts initiating more and rejecting me less. They key is that life will push you off the wagon (in both areas), and you have to push back through the inertia of not working out or having sex to get the virtuous cycle going again.

- Lastly, I agree with others about having very candid, blunt conversations with him. Guys will stick their head in the sand / avoid / put off stuff they don't like. Especially if they know fixing it is going to be a lot of work. I recommend you do not make it about your lack of attraction to him (guys have fragile egos), but do make it about how much you love him when he's in shape, has muscles, etc. Make it as much about the carrot ("Our lives would be so much better if we both were super healthy, active, and fit") as possible. But also be there and be firm to not let him backslide. A couple of times, my wife has done stuff like thrown away junk food that has made its way into our house, or pushed me to throw it away.

If he has bad eating habits, do as much to support him improving them as possible. Too often, spouses intentionally or unintentionally sabotage their partners in this. There's times where I will have been working out all week, and am thinking I should eat a salad for dinner, and my wife is like "I'm just craving a cheeseburgers, fries, and an oreo milkshake". That's hard to say no to. Or just like many people she likes to eat ice cream on a Saturday night when watching a movie. She can get away with that more than I can, both because she probably does a better job of limiting her calories earlier in the day (maybe she had yogurt and almonds for lunch), and because she's in such good shape (that she can cheat occasionally and not worry about it). Be prepared that you might have to be more careful about your eating habits, even if not necessary for your own fitness, to support him. If you have to buy oreos occasionally, maybe hide them and eat them when he's not around.

Np, here 1000% agree.
My personal example was this past Easter I hated how I looked in pictures with my kids. I am 5'11" was around 205 lbs and decided to signup to planet fitness and in 3 weeks have lost 12lbs (cutting hard no sugar unless its from a fruit, no alcohol and lean proteins, green salads) but gained muscle tone and manboobs are virtually gone. Also, work people have noticed because I dont have a little pudge over the belt and energy is up. I am also up for a promotion at work and been doing some meet/greet with Executives and feel so much more confidant. My wife seems happy and has initiated more sex and of course that makes feel loved and desired.

Op, your DH has to have the willingness to exercise and eat better. There are so many untapped benefits that he will gain from exercising. Just tell him anything worth doing is hard.

[Anonymous]

I try to keep up with exercise and am not terribly out of shape, but I will say that I'm jealous of my wife's schedule when it comes to exercise. She works from home and takes a run in the middle of the day. I have an office job, and when I come home it's either dinner time or time to go coach some kids' sports. So, if i want to exercise, it has to be on the ass-end of the day -- either very early or very late.

Anyway -- if he can get motivated to do it all, keep an eye on his schedule and, if necessary, see if there was anything you could tweak to make it work. (For example, in my case, if I was really serious and my wife was trying to help me exercise more, moving dinner to later in the evening would be helpful.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to keep up with exercise and am not terribly out of shape, but I will say that I'm jealous of my wife's schedule when it comes to exercise. She works from home and takes a run in the middle of the day. I have an office job, and when I come home it's either dinner time or time to go coach some kids' sports. So, if i want to exercise, it has to be on the ass-end of the day -- either very early or very late.

Anyway -- if he can get motivated to do it all, keep an eye on his schedule and, if necessary, see if there was anything you could tweak to make it work. (For example, in my case, if I was really serious and my wife was trying to help me exercise more, moving dinner to later in the evening would be helpful.)

There are plenty of 24/7 or 24/5 gyms in the area. Although it seems like it’s too much because you’ll be surprised how the body adapts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to keep up with exercise and am not terribly out of shape, but I will say that I'm jealous of my wife's schedule when it comes to exercise. She works from home and takes a run in the middle of the day. I have an office job, and when I come home it's either dinner time or time to go coach some kids' sports. So, if i want to exercise, it has to be on the ass-end of the day -- either very early or very late.

Anyway -- if he can get motivated to do it all, keep an eye on his schedule and, if necessary, see if there was anything you could tweak to make it work. (For example, in my case, if I was really serious and my wife was trying to help me exercise more, moving dinner to later in the evening would be helpful.)

There are plenty of 24/7 or 24/5 gyms in the area. Although it seems like it’s too much because you’ll be surprised how the body adapts.

I'm not saying it's impossible to exercise at odd hours, but if exercise has to be wedged into odd hours of the day, it's going to be much tougher. Also, sacrificing on sleep isn't particularly healthy either. Sleep, exercise, and diet are kind of the tripod of healthy living.

[Anonymous]

Get his testosterone levels checked.

[Anonymous]

Men can do whatever as long as they make money. Women are judged by looks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to keep up with exercise and am not terribly out of shape, but I will say that I'm jealous of my wife's schedule when it comes to exercise. She works from home and takes a run in the middle of the day. I have an office job, and when I come home it's either dinner time or time to go coach some kids' sports. So, if i want to exercise, it has to be on the ass-end of the day -- either very early or very late.

Anyway -- if he can get motivated to do it all, keep an eye on his schedule and, if necessary, see if there was anything you could tweak to make it work. (For example, in my case, if I was really serious and my wife was trying to help me exercise more, moving dinner to later in the evening would be helpful.)

There are plenty of 24/7 or 24/5 gyms in the area. Although it seems like it’s too much because you’ll be surprised how the body adapts.

Oh, shut up. What normal person wants to work out at 11PM? PP is human. If this was very important to my DH (actually it is but his schedule allows for a better workout time slot) and also important to me, I’d make some tweaks to the schedule. If you’re not willing to do that, you’re a selfish and unreasonable prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to keep up with exercise and am not terribly out of shape, but I will say that I'm jealous of my wife's schedule when it comes to exercise. She works from home and takes a run in the middle of the day. I have an office job, and when I come home it's either dinner time or time to go coach some kids' sports. So, if i want to exercise, it has to be on the ass-end of the day -- either very early or very late.

Anyway -- if he can get motivated to do it all, keep an eye on his schedule and, if necessary, see if there was anything you could tweak to make it work. (For example, in my case, if I was really serious and my wife was trying to help me exercise more, moving dinner to later in the evening would be helpful.)

There are plenty of 24/7 or 24/5 gyms in the area. Although it seems like it’s too much because you’ll be surprised how the body adapts.

Oh, shut up. What normal person wants to work out at 11PM? PP is human. If this was very important to my DH (actually it is but his schedule allows for a better workout time slot) and also important to me, I’d make some tweaks to the schedule. If you’re not willing to do that, you’re a selfish and unreasonable prick.

But he can at 8:30 pm!!! Once the kids go to bed. Then Get home at 9:45 pm. Shower till 10:00. Intimacy till 10:30, end the day with a literal “happy ending”. Do that for a month and see where you guys are in terms of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can do whatever as long as they make money. Women are judged by looks

And personality by men. By other women a woman is judged on everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men can do whatever as long as they make money. Women are judged by looks

And personality by men. By other women a woman is judged on everything.

Men only care about a woman’s looks and that she is “nice” - everything else falls to the wayside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men can do whatever as long as they make money. Women are judged by looks

And personality by men. By other women a woman is judged on everything.

Men only care about a woman’s looks and that she is “nice” - everything else falls to the wayside.

Based on years of marriage: her personality and libido are important. Her advanced degrees and career achievements are irrelevant to a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

You could be writing about me and my DH. Our pre-marriage relationship (in grad school) was built on a shared love of adventurous outdoor activities...but real jobs and now kids have changed that.

I know that DH would really love to be more active, but he struggles to do so...among other reasons is that he's also sort of a workaholic. His job is very demanding, but he's risen faster in the ranks than pretty much anyone ever. This makes me think he could work less. That said, I think weight loss and increased health start in the kitchen, not the gym. Certain things that DH loves to do are really not possible right now, because his extra weight puts stress on his joints. Whenever he gets motivated, he starts with a lot of exercise...and I think he'd do much better starting by changing his diet. I don't really know how to help with that, though. We don't keep junk around the house regularly, but downing a bowl of plain Cheerios (which I buy for kids) with whole milk every night at 9pm may as well be junk food. Basically, DH will find a way to binge on pretty much anything in the house (string cheese for the kids, etc).

I think he has a form of disordered eating, honestly (something that's clear to me as I had an ED and so did my sister). And his unhappiness with his physical fitness levels feeds the disorder creating a vicious cycle. I think, for him, cutting out certain foods might be the easiest way to make progress on his weight, but he seems unwilling to try...especially if I bring it up. I don't know what to do. My father is a cardiologist, so I've grown up with a pretty stringent understanding of how diet and cardiac health are related...it petrifies me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to keep up with exercise and am not terribly out of shape, but I will say that I'm jealous of my wife's schedule when it comes to exercise. She works from home and takes a run in the middle of the day. I have an office job, and when I come home it's either dinner time or time to go coach some kids' sports. So, if i want to exercise, it has to be on the ass-end of the day -- either very early or very late.

Anyway -- if he can get motivated to do it all, keep an eye on his schedule and, if necessary, see if there was anything you could tweak to make it work. (For example, in my case, if I was really serious and my wife was trying to help me exercise more, moving dinner to later in the evening would be helpful.)

There are plenty of 24/7 or 24/5 gyms in the area. Although it seems like it’s too much because you’ll be surprised how the body adapts.

Oh, shut up. What normal person wants to work out at 11PM? PP is human. If this was very important to my DH (actually it is but his schedule allows for a better workout time slot) and also important to me, I’d make some tweaks to the schedule. If you’re not willing to do that, you’re a selfish and unreasonable prick.

But he can at 8:30 pm!!! Once the kids go to bed. Then Get home at 9:45 pm. Shower till 10:00. Intimacy till 10:30, end the day with a literal “happy ending”. Do that for a month and see where you guys are in terms of everything.

Who wants to go at 8:30 even? OP, let your husband go in the morning before work (you handle the morning routine), or in the evening right after dinner (you handle dishes and bedtime). He will be more motivated to do it because it gets him out of an unpleasant task. Do that for a month and see if he is into fitting in exercise somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Who wants to go at 8:30 even? OP, let your husband go in the morning before work (you handle the morning routine), or in the evening right after dinner (you handle dishes and bedtime). He will be more motivated to do it because it gets him out of an unpleasant task. Do that for a month and see if he is into fitting in exercise somewhere else.

I haven't seen any indication that OP is stopping him. My DH would never want this schedule, because it cuts into his most dependable time with his kids. He's trying to go in the morning right now, but he has to get up so early before he starts his day that I'm doubtful he'll keep it up (he never has done morning routine with the kids).