Mom or wife first?

[Anonymous]

Just curious what others general opinion is, regarding prioritizing. Wife/husband over the kids, or vice versa. How do you view it? Just a thought provoking conversation early this morning. Both relationships obviously need to be nurtured, however was curious if one is viewed as more important, or needing more attention,than the other

[Anonymous]

Your priority has to be as a mother, assuming you married a self sufficient adult partner. Your kids are not self sufficient. They need to be cared for and raised to be strong. Your partner already is.

This does not mean ignoring or taking advantage of your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious what others general opinion is, regarding prioritizing. Wife/husband over the kids, or vice versa. How do you view it? Just a thought provoking conversation early this morning. Both relationships obviously need to be nurtured, however was curious if one is viewed as more important, or needing more attention,than the other

I don't think relationships should be zero-sums game. There should be flexibility in your relationships and I think it odd if you answered, I'm a wife first and mom second or a mom first and wife second. You could say the same about a husband/Dad. I am purely talking about a couple who got married and then have children. Not a second marriage because then I think most non-parent would say they are wife/husband first.

I see this question the same as I would if you asked do you see yourself as a mom to your first kid or your second kid? You are mom to both! Sometimes I am more "wife" oriented and sometimes I am more "mom" oriented but, I am both mom and wife.

[Anonymous]

Why would you ever need to choose? I don’t get this question.

[Anonymous]

My attention goes to whomever needs it most at that time. Recently it's been my tiny children who are highly dependant.

[Anonymous]

I think it matters a little on age of the children.

[Anonymous]

I've never been in a situation where I've had to choose.

More to the point, I wouldn't marry a man who would WANT me to put him first over the kids.

We prioritize our relationship (including doing things like putting on a movie during a rainy Saturday afternoon so we can sneak off and have sex) but in general, the kids come first to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anyone remember this oldie but goodie:

https://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/truly-madly-guiltily.html

Where the author admits she loves her husband more than her kids.

[Anonymous]

Spouse first, then kids. Your relationship with your spouse is chosen, and hopefully spans longer than the 18 years you raise your child. 50 year marriages don’t happen by chance. If you can keep your marriage on track, you can parent as a team.

[Anonymous]

Mom first. Spouse can take care of himself. We have an obligation to care and provide for our kids. If it came down to choosing, I choose my kids.

[Anonymous]

When does it come down to a head-to-head competition? If I were picking who to rescue from a burning building, it’d be the kids (and I’d expect him to do the same). But generally, family members get my time and attention in proportion to their maturity and their needs.

[Anonymous]

Definitely wife first then mother. We were told this in premarital as well as marriage counseling. If your marriage falls apart, the kids suffer immensely. DH is my rock and the more I give to him, the more he gives to me and the kids. I also think it's immensely important for kids to grow up seeing what a great, healthy marriage looks like. I would never let my kids suffer though.

[Anonymous]

Spouse, then kids, assuming your kids’ basic needs are being met.

For example, you don’t kick your spouse out of your bed because your kids “need” to cosleep, but you don’t skip medical care, and make your kids wear used shoes from the Salvation Army so that your husband can get his pilot’s license.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom first. Spouse can take care of himself. We have an obligation to care and provide for our kids. If it came down to choosing, I choose my kids.

See the post above yours.

You’ll probably end up divorced if you keep that mindset.

I love my kids, but I loved my husband first, and I’ll love him after my kids are grown up and moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When does it come down to a head-to-head competition? If I were picking who to rescue from a burning building, it’d be the kids (and I’d expect him to do the same). But generally, family members get my time and attention in proportion to their maturity and their needs.

Same here. I'd say that the kids' needs always come first, but their wants do not. Because they are kids, and I am responsible for them in a way that I am not responsible for my husband.

And I wouldn't want to be married to man who would make me choose between him and our children--it's all about balancing everyone's needs and wants, and sometimes the kids come first, and sometimes I do, and sometimes he does--it just depends on what's going on.