Mom or wife first?

[Anonymous]

I view the marital relationship as the priority, as it creates the foundation for providing for and parenting the children well. I think this works best if your spouse feels the same way, if you don't have a blended family, and if you've married a person who is mature enough to not expect or want to do something at the expense of the kids.

[Anonymous]

The spouse comes first. This doesn't mean you let your kids stand shivering in the rain on the doorstep while you and your partner have a candlelit date night inside. It also doesn't mean letting your kids physical needs be ignored, which some seem to suggest with the baffling "the spouse can fend for himself" posts. Of course grown-ups can generally fend for themselves physically, no one's arguing that. It just means you recognize your partnership is the foundation of the family, and the thing on which your kids will build their sense of security and comfort. With that in mind you create adults-only time, don't let your children disrespect the other spouse, allow a situation to be created where your spouse feels inferior in position to the children, and don't subsume your personality to being a mommy-bot or daddy-bot.

Feed your adult, spousal, marital energy people. One day your kids will be grown and gone, and if you haven't tended to your relationship you WILL be fending for yourself. Of course you have to have a relationship you think is worth tending in the first place. If your marriage is crap, well, that's a different post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is crazy talk to me. Kids first -- not even a question. Spouses come and go. Admittedly, I ended every relationship I had before I married and would have left DH long ago if not for the kids. I don't really believe in True Love anymore and now that I have kids, am no longer motivated to try and search for it. If I get divorced I will not live under the same roof with someone again. I'll just have a string of affairs to take care of the physical.

I can tell why your spouses come and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have men ever been asked to rank whether being a father or husband comes first?

I hope my husband would pick being a father first.

I'm the PP and my DH would definitely pick father, but he is still a good husband as well.

I don't pick. I am a woman, a wife, a mother and I am constantly rearranging what I am first, second, and third. My kids are still on the young side so their needs are more immediate. My DH and I enjoy spending time together so we definitely do that as much as we can. As my kids are getting older, I find myself wanting more time to my own hobbies and needs.

It's a balance.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand this question. I am a “member of this family” first...there are no separate rankings for husband and kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is a deeply in love thing vs a just married thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a deeply in love thing vs a just married thing.

Like, in that deeply in love people don’t need to rank their relationships? Agreed.

[Anonymous]

It depends what the needs are. I mean, if I want a kiss from DH but our daughter is standing there puking, her needs come before mine. If DH needs to tell me something important about traveling for work or that a coworker coming for dinner is an alcoholic but our daughter wants to show us her gymnastics moves, she will have to wait.

[Anonymous]

1) kids’ needs
2) parents’ needs
3) parents’ wants
4) kids’ wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I view the marital relationship as the priority, as it creates the foundation for providing for and parenting the children well. I think this works best if your spouse feels the same way, if you don't have a blended family, and if you've married a person who is mature enough to not expect or want to do something at the expense of the kids.

+1

My mom tried to apply the husband first philosophy with my strp father who definitely did not prioritize use, and it ended tragically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) kids’ needs
2) parents’ needs
3) parents’ wants
4) kids’ wants

The first two are obvious. The second half is where people here seem to have trouble.

[Anonymous]

This question is meaningless unless there is some specific example given. It’s like saying which is your priority, breathing or eating? You need to do both.

[Anonymous]

My mom verbally told me that my Dad was more important/her priority.

It felt like shit and she ended up divorced anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people don’t get it. It has nothing to do with “saving your kids first if they were hanging on a cliff”, it has to do with making time for the MARRIGE before anything else; essential kid needs aside.

Of course you’d SAVE the kids first. But my husbands and my FEELINGS come first. My kids are nurtured and we do fun things with them, but they are along for the ride until they are 18.

This. It's a fool's game to put your "kids first" when what they need and crave is for their parents to have a happy marriage.

Signed, Married 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The spouse comes first. This doesn't mean you let your kids stand shivering in the rain on the doorstep while you and your partner have a candlelit date night inside. It also doesn't mean letting your kids physical needs be ignored, which some seem to suggest with the baffling "the spouse can fend for himself" posts. Of course grown-ups can generally fend for themselves physically, no one's arguing that. It just means you recognize your partnership is the foundation of the family, and the thing on which your kids will build their sense of security and comfort. With that in mind you create adults-only time, don't let your children disrespect the other spouse, allow a situation to be created where your spouse feels inferior in position to the children, and don't subsume your personality to being a mommy-bot or daddy-bot.

Feed your adult, spousal, marital energy people. One day your kids will be grown and gone, and if you haven't tended to your relationship you WILL be fending for yourself. Of course you have to have a relationship you think is worth tending in the first place. If your marriage is crap, well, that's a different post.

Brilliant post.