Mom or wife first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people don’t get it. It has nothing to do with “saving your kids first if they were hanging on a cliff”, it has to do with making time for the MARRIGE before anything else; essential kid needs aside.

Of course you’d SAVE the kids first. But my husbands and my FEELINGS come first. My kids are nurtured and we do fun things with them, but they are along for the ride until they are 18.

I had selfish parents like you. I barely talk to them today. They are minimal grandparents. Their needs always came first. I think there needs to be a balance but kids get priority to all needs as they are children and only get one childhood. I want them to do the same for their kids so leading by example is important. If it had to do with saving the kids or spouse, I would pick my kids. I hope my husband would do the same. There is no question. Why have kids if they are along for the ride? That is really selfish.

For a counterpoint, I had a mom who put us ahead of my dad. My folks are still married and happy enough in their way I guess, but my mom relies primarily on me for emotional support because she failed to cultivate a decent relationship with my dad. It's exhausting. And it also took years for me to develop a decent relationship with my dad because growing up it was sort of this unit of me and my mom and brother with my dad kind of outside of it. i

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This question is meaningless unless there is some specific example given. It’s like saying which is your priority, breathing or eating? You need to do both.

+1. I really don’t get this concept. What scenarios are happening to everybody where one or the other consistently has to come “first”?

It’s like...do my husband and I bend over backwards for our kids? Yes. Do we also sometimes turn on Daniel Tiger, throw some fish sticks at them, and grope each other upstairs in the kitchen? Also yes.

[Anonymous]

The children are a byproduct of the marriage and the loving relationship that binds husband and wife together. Marriage first. When you are in a happy marriage it’s much easier to be good parents. When you are constantly putting the marriage on the back burner for whatever the kids want and letting the kids run your entire life, it dies. It becomes a poor model for the children, whom you probably want to grow up and marry the love of their life. Would you tell your kids that you hope they marry an adequate sperm donor that makes a somewhat tolerable roommate? I don’t think so. So I don’t understand why that’s what so many women do. The children also need to understand that they don’t rule the roost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Sports
2. Work
3. Cell Phone
4. Manhood
5. Passing Gas
5. Parents
6. Wife and Kids

Thank you. Like a lifeboat to a sinking ship you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The spouse comes first. This doesn't mean you let your kids stand shivering in the rain on the doorstep while you and your partner have a candlelit date night inside. It also doesn't mean letting your kids physical needs be ignored, which some seem to suggest with the baffling "the spouse can fend for himself" posts. Of course grown-ups can generally fend for themselves physically, no one's arguing that. It just means you recognize your partnership is the foundation of the family, and the thing on which your kids will build their sense of security and comfort. With that in mind you create adults-only time, don't let your children disrespect the other spouse, allow a situation to be created where your spouse feels inferior in position to the children, and don't subsume your personality to being a mommy-bot or daddy-bot.

Feed your adult, spousal, marital energy people. One day your kids will be grown and gone, and if you haven't tended to your relationship you WILL be fending for yourself. Of course you have to have a relationship you think is worth tending in the first place. If your marriage is crap, well, that's a different post.

Brilliant post.

+100

[Anonymous]

Me first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom verbally told me that my Dad was more important/her priority.

It felt like shit and she ended up divorced anyway.

Anecdotally, the women in my life who've made declarative statements about husbands being priorities have nearly all ended up divorced.

When women always place their husband's wants and desires ahead of and at the expense of their kids' then it creates a dynamic in which men become entitled and lazy and women become resentful.

My mom lived by this rule, though thankfully she never said it out loud. (She said other shitty things though...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends what the needs are. I mean, if I want a kiss from DH but our daughter is standing there puking, her needs come before mine. If DH needs to tell me something important about traveling for work or that a coworker coming for dinner is an alcoholic but our daughter wants to show us her gymnastics moves, she will have to wait.

I mean, that's life.

It's a constant back and forth and instead of making declarative statements about who always comes first, it's better to just strive for a balance that makes sure all relationships and feelings are tended, but not necessarily always indulged or alway sacrificed.

To me that models a more healthy relationships because yes the kids leave the house, but you still want to have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

If you want to use the Bible as a reference, it specifically says for a man to leave his father and his mother, and to cleave unto his wife. There's a reason for this.

[Anonymous]

When you get married, you do say "forsaking all others". ALL others.

Now if you are referring to the mother's day thread, there are times when you put your mom first. And obviously dependent kids' needs should be a priority for both parents over their own selfish desires. But, if you have to choose between your parents and your spouse in some fundamental way (and not who gets Mother's Day), you choose your spouse, If you want to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you get married, you do say "forsaking all others". ALL others.

Now if you are referring to the mother's day thread, there are times when you put your mom first. And obviously dependent kids' needs should be a priority for both parents over their own selfish desires. But, if you have to choose between your parents and your spouse in some fundamental way (and not who gets Mother's Day), you choose your spouse, If you want to stay married.

This thread is about spouse vs. kids, not spouse vs. your parents.

[Anonymous]

intellectually, it should be my spouse. but when you're in the middle of raising really small kids if feels so kids centric. sigh.
but i want to travel with my husband and enjoy being with him. by about 13 the kids will want to be on their own and by 18 they will really be on their own. while i may have to re-prioritize more than i would like during the 0-2 year stage i want to take solo vacations with DH once they turn 5 (they can stay with my family) and just spend more alone time with him overall.

i think it's good for kids to see that their parents are really into each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends what the needs are. I mean, if I want a kiss from DH but our daughter is standing there puking, her needs come before mine. If DH needs to tell me something important about traveling for work or that a coworker coming for dinner is an alcoholic but our daughter wants to show us her gymnastics moves, she will have to wait.

I mean, that's life.

It's a constant back and forth and instead of making declarative statements about who always comes first, it's better to just strive for a balance that makes sure all relationships and feelings are tended, but not necessarily always indulged or always sacrificed.

To me that models a more healthy relationships because yes the kids leave the house, but you still want to have a relationship.

Yup. It's about balance, not hierarchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Sports
2. Work
3. Cell Phone
4. Manhood
5. Passing Gas
5. Parents
6. Wife and Kids

6. Your wife and kids live with you in your mom’s basement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When does it come down to a head-to-head competition? If I were picking who to rescue from a burning building, it’d be the kids (and I’d expect him to do the same). But generally, family members get my time and attention in proportion to their maturity and their needs.

Same here. I would save my kids over my husband every time (and he had better do the same), but I need to also cultivate and nurture my marital relationship as well.

Yes, and it's a little sad that this answer isn't immediately obvious to everyone.