Getting worried about (and frustrated with) DH's refusal to take care of his health
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Anonymous
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We are both mid 40s. DH's weight has been slowly and steadily trending upward for years. He's slightly overweight now, and I see it getting worse every year. It's starting to cause him problems: joint problems, blood pressure is creeping up, he gets out of breath just kicking a soccer ball around with the kids for 15-20 minutes. He has a strong family history of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart problems.
I fear this getting a lot worse as we close in on 50. I've tried starting exercise programs for us to do together, to head it off. We've started a bunch of different things but he keeps finding excuses to stop after a few weeks: too far away, not convenient for his schedule, and most recently he pulled a muscle and refuses to do that activity again for fear of injury (I understand taking a break to heal, but he says he won't do it again ever). I cook healthy meals at home but he brings home ice cream and cookies for late-night snacking. I'm frustrated that he won't take his health seriously and work to get in shape now before it gets worse. I'm worried that he's already giving up and won't make any effort to keep things from spiraling out of control. I'm annoyed that he's already backing out of family activities because he "doesn't feel up for it", leaving me to do things like take the kids camping by myself. I'm irritated that I'm going to have to spend my retirement years taking care of someone who has refused to take care of himself. Am I overthinking this? Should I just let him be, and keep my opinions to myself? Or is it time for a come-to-Jesus talk with him? |
Anonymous
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You are me. My husband ended up having a heart attack a few years ago in his late 30s. Luckily it was relatively minor and there was no permanent damage. He changed his habits for about a year afterward but then slowly went back to his old habits. He does exercise pretty much every day now, but his eating habits aren't great although better than before. I was basically told on here that I'm not his mother and can't change him--he has to want to change for himself. There were some people who commiserated.
I was extremely upset at the position he put his family in. To me it felt like he was extremely selfish and valued eating crap over me and our kid. Especially when I crunched the numbers and realized if he were to die then we'd have to sell our house because I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my salary and that would be yet another change for our kid. I had DH buy additional life insurance as soon as he was able and he complained about it because the premium is high. I told him that it was fully due to his choices so he needed to suck it up. I'll see if I can dig up my old thread. |
Anonymous
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http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/485597.page
Here is my old thread. --PP |
Anonymous
OP here ... wow. Just finished reading your whole thread. Thank you for sharing it ... I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My situation isn't quite as severe as yours, although I can see it heading in that direction. I don't know what the answer is ... maybe one serious discussion and then let it go. |
Anonymous
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This is a really, really tough one.
Honestly, max out his life insurance while he’s still able to get decent rates. Once a person gets settled into an unhealthy lifestyle, it is basically impossible to change longterm. |
Anonymous
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Come-to-Jesus talk, but you need to be able to follow through.
I have family in the same situation, but now they are in their 60s and the husband is almost completely incapacitated and has to be hospitalized regularly. His wife has to wait on him 24/7 and doesn't have much of her own life. Rather than enjoying their retirement, she has to watch him die a slow, early death and will likely spend the last 20 years of her life alone. His grandkids probably won't remember him, since they'll all still be young when he passes. The kicker is everyone feels bad for the husband, even though he is the one who put himself in the situation. |
Anonymous
| Life insurance, otherwise - - no, no come-to-Jesus-talk. Love the man you got. You are likely to make to worsen your relationship - which is far worse - by being bossy |
Anonymous
| Give him a flower and prepare a favorite meal for him. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is my nightmare. We do have good life insurance, got it for both of us when the first kid was born. And I have a good salary. Money isn't my concern. And, if I'm being completely honest, neither is a sudden death. I mean, any of us could drop dead tomorrow for any reason - car accident, stroke, whatever. I had a good friend in his early 50s, seemingly great health, die suddenly of a brain aneurysm. I could easily die before DH. Other than getting life insurance, I choose not to spend my life stressing about things that may happen randomly. But I do worry about a long, slow deterioration .... especially one that is completely preventable. That will be miserable for all of us. Him, me, and the kids. He just seems to be in denial, or doesn't think he can change it (I'm not sure which). |
Anonymous
Not OP but an overweight, sickly, husband seems pretty bad to me. He is worsening their relationship right now. |
Anonymous
NP here. The thing is, she can't make him live a healthy lifestyle. Sounds like she's doing all she can practically to encourage it, but it's up to him. She can cook healthy meals (not that it's her job), and he can sabotage with snacks, desserts, not working out. Escalating verbal encouragement to a "come to Jesus" talk will do nothing except harm the relationship--because he's either going to do it for the value of it, or he's not. If she nags, cajoles, shames, judges, "encourages" -- it will just erode the trust and whatever goodwill there is. It will make him hide the ice cream, not omit it. Or eat it in front of her and tune her out, detach. I agree--love him the best you can. And if he is unable/unwilling to be fit, you have to live your life. Set your limits and what you are willing and unwilling to do, and take care of yourself. |
Anonymous
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In 1995 I watched my father, age 64, die from end stage renal disease due to uncontrolled Type II diabetes. My father in law, age 70, died last weekend from throat cancer after decades of Pall Malls.
Once a man becomes a husband and father, he no longer has the right to live as he pleases. |
Anonymous
| Stop being controlling. His health is his to manage. |
Anonymous
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Has he been to a dr.? Does he even know his #s for cholesterol, triglycerides etc? Is he even willing to do that much?
Are there ANY changes he's willing to make and stick with? I know people who weren't going to overhaul their entire diet and lifestyle yet 1-2 changes have gone a LONG way. The 2 that I'm thinking of -- eating junk whenever they want but instituting a consistent change like oatmeal EVERY day for breakfast (apparently it has some good cholesterol fighting properties); or a salad EVERY day before dinner even if that dinner is junky takeout (not sure what that does exactly but theoretically if you're even somewhat full by the time you sit down to a high fat dinner, you may eat a bit less); or a walk around the block every day -- again it's not going to work wonders but it does burn off some calories, sugars etc. |
Anonymous
| ^I mention the preceding bc sometimes people can have a family history and be gaining a bit of weight themselves and yet overall be fine and just need a few modifications here and there. It isn't necessary that his cholesterol will be thru the roof just bc of a family history. |