Do I have to tell him? Should I feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

In the fall I was in a wedding. My husband came to the wedding with me and spent time with the groomsmen while I got ready with the bride. When I got home the groomsman I walked with messaged me and we started chatting. Our chats got sexual and personal. We chatted for one week before I ended it. I was in a really bad place and felt like my husband wasn't supporting me, but things are better since I went back to work in the winter and talked to my doctor about depression. The guy still messages me sometimes even though I have asked him to stop. He even writes comments on my husbands FB posts and I get nervous he'll let it slip or straight out tell him. I didn't tell DH but I feel guilty. Is this anxiety something I have to live with? Did I cheat? Can I tell my husband without him leaving me? We have a two year old. TIA

[Anonymous]

If you truly wanted the messaging to stop it would. “Block” solves that problem, but you like the extra attention and validation it gives you so you haven’t done that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ummm I can block him but I'm worried that will make him angry and he'll message my DH. They are FB friends. You are rude.

[Anonymous]

OP Again. I also usually don't respond to his messages. They say stupid things like I hope you have a great Thursday! and I ignore or say thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Again. I also usually don't respond to his messages. They say stupid things like I hope you have a great Thursday! and I ignore or say thanks.

don't reply at all, saying thanks keeps it going.
Would you want to know if your husband did this to one of the bridesmaids? Would you feel he was cheating if he was having sexual conversations with her?
Personally if my spouse did what you are doing, and we went through a rough period in our marriage I would try to understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ummm I can block him but I'm worried that will make him angry and he'll message my DH. They are FB friends. You are rude.

Yeah right, what's he going to say to your DH, "hey man I was trying to bang your wife but the bitch blocked me, what's up with that?"

Admit it, you continue to enjoy the attention and are keeping your options open in case your husband "isn't supporting you" again.

[Anonymous]

No don't tell him.

[Anonymous]

Did you say anything in your texts to him that you wouldn’t want your husband to read?

[Anonymous]

Take screenshots of you asking him to stop the messaging. Maybe ask him again"like I told you several months ago, stop messaging me" and screenshot that too, so if he ever does tell your husband you have proof that this wasn't an ongoing thing.

[Anonymous]

Are you seeing a therapist about depression? He/she should be working with you to help you understand what role the depression played in the emotional infidelity and how to increase your coping skills so you can manage differently next time.

The therapist should also be helping you figure out how to disclose to DH. It is better if he hears it from you, and you can't live with a lie or secret and the uncertainty and lack of authenticity it causes.

Emotional or physical infidelity is bad, but what makes it a marriage-killer is the deceit and manipulation that goes along with keeping it hidden so as to manipulate the other person into staying with you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 10:20, I am not seeing a therapist. I was depressed as a SAHM but I went back to work and feel much better.

Yes there were things I would not want my husband to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the fall I was in a wedding. My husband came to the wedding with me and spent time with the groomsmen while I got ready with the bride. When I got home the groomsman I walked with messaged me and we started chatting. Our chats got sexual and personal. We chatted for one week before I ended it. I was in a really bad place and felt like my husband wasn't supporting me, but things are better since I went back to work in the winter and talked to my doctor about depression. The guy still messages me sometimes even though I have asked him to stop. He even writes comments on my husbands FB posts and I get nervous he'll let it slip or straight out tell him. I didn't tell DH but I feel guilty. Is this anxiety something I have to live with? Did I cheat? Can I tell my husband without him leaving me? We have a two year old. TIA

DH here: leaving aside the ethics of the thing (I’d want to know), if you can’t ensure your DH never finds out it may be better for you to get out in front of it. Groomsman may well try to leverage your need for secrecy to get you to do things you might not want to, especially if groomsman has nothing to lose (not married, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No don't tell him.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take screenshots of you asking him to stop the messaging. Maybe ask him again"like I told you several months ago, stop messaging me" and screenshot that too, so if he ever does tell your husband you have proof that this wasn't an ongoing thing.

Yes. Cover your ass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ummm I can block him but I'm worried that will make him angry and he'll message my DH. They are FB friends. You are rude.

Yeah right, what's he going to say to your DH, "hey man I was trying to bang your wife but the bitch blocked me, what's up with that?"

Admit it, you continue to enjoy the attention and are keeping your options open in case your husband "isn't supporting you" again.

He could screenshot explicit texts and send them to DH.

I'd tell him. It will be ugly but better to find out from you.