Do I have to tell him? Should I feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

I would tell him. If he finds out another way he will never trust you. If you come clean he will. I think I would forgive DH and he would forgive me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not cheating, crosses lines, tell your DH. This is a friend of a friend, you may cross paths again and I wouldn’t want to have my DH in the dark about something like this. It’s not a marriage ender, but you are certainly raising concern.

really does depend on how sexual the texts were. if OP said things like "I wish I had passion in my sex life, I miss the fire and heat, where you're just tearing each other's clothes off and can't wait to get to the bedroom.." vs. "I bet you have a nice d*ck, I want to suck your c*ck and I want you to f*ck me every and any way you want"

BIG difference between the two and very much depends on OP's DH would see things.

Again, if the gender roles were reversed, all the women here who are saying "it's no big deal, don't tell him" would be crucifying the guy for having engaged in this type of behavior with another woman. "Didn't you see any other red flags? Dump him and move on. etc., etc., etc."

OP, you screwed up. It's the brutal truth but you need to own it. Now you have a choice of what to do - fix it and live with the consequences or pretend it never happened and pray to god this OG (other guy) never confront you or your DH.

amen! The DCUM Double Standard is in full effect in this thread

[Anonymous]

OP - as you have been asked by others. Just how sexual were the texts? Photos too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I wouldn't care either way if the situation were flipped, but if you asked me that before this all happened I'd answer differently. I'd be pissed but work through it.

Do you all think this is cheating?

We don't have all the facts. Based on what you wrote, I'd call it inappropriate communication which could be detrimental to your relationship.

[Anonymous]

You got a little attention from another man and it felt good. You realize that this can only end bad if you don't stop so you're (half-assed) trying to stop it. But you're NOT stopping it and you don't need a discussion board to tell you how to stop it.

All you need to do is block the guy, on your phone and FB. Send him one strongly worded message before you do. But, you know that already.

You are inventing an excuse to not block him but expressing worry that he will say something. How dumb can you be? He isn't going to say anything. You are just one of many women he hits on every chance he gets. Ending your flirtations with him will barely register with him. He certainly isn't going to bust himself for hitting on a married woman.

Just admit, you are starved for attention and you love this. Now you are on DCUM looking for even more attention. You want to do the right thing> Send some flirtatious texts to your H today, and maybe a suggestive selfie. See if that gets you any attention.

[Anonymous]

I would not tell him since in the end you did the right thing. I would probably continue to be polite but never really engage with the other guy. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you don’t want to piss him off.

Maybe the other guy will get a girlfriend soon and drop off the face of the earth.

[Anonymous]

First, you need to stop replying to any messages from this guy in whatever form they come - even to say "thanks." Just stop completely. Hopefully he'll fade away without any problems. I wouldn't flat out tell him to stop contacting you at this point. IMO that's more likely to trigger a further response from him, and it may not be a good one. It's also lending further credence to whatever happened between you two and might come across as sounding worse than it was.

Also, if it were me, I wouldn't tell my DH. I wouldn't want to know if the situation was reversed so long as it was a one-time thing that never amounted to anything physical and he completely ended all contact with the person. Marriages go through rough patches and I think DH and I would both be understanding of this type of situation. But every person and every marriage is different so you have to make the best decision for you.

But OP, let this be a wake up call to you. Remember this awful, unsettling feeling and make sure you don't ever get yourself in this position again. It sounds like you have a marriage you're otherwise happy with, so you have a lot to lose here. Remember that. This type of thing can be a slippery slope and unless you take steps to safeguard your marriage and protect against this happening again, you could easily end up in the same situation and have it go even further since you "got away with it once." This is especially likely to happen if you don't feel any guilt about this.

[Anonymous]

A long time ago I researched stalking behavior. (not that he's stalking you, but what I learned will help)

I met Gavin de Becker, who is an expert on this. He said, "when you want to stop communicating, you just stop communicating.

The problem is when you COMMUNICATE that you want to stop communication, and then they say why, and you COMMUNICATE why, you are sending a mixed message--your text says don't communicate, but your actions are communicating.

You need to be completely consistent in your message. Sort of like dealing with kids...when they've done something dangerous and you need to say "no" don't say "no" with a happy tone and a smile on your face. Stern face, stern tone. Everything needs to be consistent. The kid needs that consistency.

So just don't respond, OP.

OP, whether you tell your DH or not, don't respond. The more you respond, the bigger the hole you get into. I can promise you that--I didn't research stalking for no reason; I researched it because I had dug a big hole for myself at one time.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him. It might be difficult but he deserves to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flip it.
If it were your husband who flirted/sexted with a bridesmaid would you want him to tell you?

No. I would not. What is the point in that? To make me feel crappy?

As someone who actually had this experience, I wish DH kept his mouth shut and lived with the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ummm I can block him but I'm worried that will make him angry and he'll message my DH. They are FB friends. You are rude.

Yeah right, what's he going to say to your DH, "hey man I was trying to bang your wife but the bitch blocked me, what's up with that?"

Admit it, you continue to enjoy the attention and are keeping your options open in case your husband "isn't supporting you" again.

On the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flip it.
If it were your husband who flirted/sexted with a bridesmaid would you want him to tell you?

No. I would not. What is the point in that? To make me feel crappy?

As someone who actually had this experience, I wish DH kept his mouth shut and lived with the guilt.

Can you share what he did? Sext another woman?

[Anonymous]

I would not tell him. Block this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flip it.
If it were your husband who flirted/sexted with a bridesmaid would you want him to tell you?

No. I would not. What is the point in that? To make me feel crappy?

As someone who actually had this experience, I wish DH kept his mouth shut and lived with the guilt.

I'm sorry, PP. My thought is this might be different since there is a chance that the other guy will say something to OP's husband. Wouldn't it have been worse if you'd found out from the other woman in your case?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just want to give an update.

The guy would not stop messaging me even after begging him not to. I blocked him and ONE DAY LATER he DMs husband to say Hey how is the weather? So I tell husband everything. He was crying and very upset but after a few days decided to work towards working on forgiveness. Things feel better than ever actually. I have this off my chest and I realize how precious our relationship is. I hope that if the time comes again where I fall into another depression DH has better tools to help me out of it. Thanks DCUM for the advice.