Biological father found me on Facebook

[Anonymous]

Long story short - I haven't seen my biological father since I was about 8 years old. He was an addict/alcoholic and basically disappeared. I'm an only child, my mother remarried and we all lived happily ever after. Fast forward 20 years to 2010: I'm engaged, happy, and just living life and receive a Facebook message from him simply saying, "I'm sure you don't want to talk to me but I'm your father and I hope you do". I deleted it and blocked him and made sure my privacy settings were all set very high. A few months later I was curious about him so I looked him up and he's somehow managed to find one of my wedding photos and posted it on his page where people are commenting about his "daughter" and how he "must be so proud" and I honestly don't know if it pisses me off or makes me sad. Fast forward to today: I'm happily married with 2 kids and I can't help but think about him sometimes and every once in awhile I check his page (I sign out and look him up via Google) and now see he has prostate cancer.

Am I going to regret not reaching out to him when I click on his page one day and see he's dead? I'm really confused by these emotions!

[Anonymous]

It’s only something you can decide. Maybe he has changed?

[Anonymous]

Addiction can be a devastating thing and if he's cleaned up his act and wants to make amends I wouldn't close the door on that.

I'd also be open minded that you don't know the entire story - did he clean up his act 20 years ago and your mother, rightly or wrongly, kept him out of your life?

Do you have any recollection or knowledge of whether he was a good father or person before his addiction and disappearance?

Seems like there could be some additional context that your post doesn't cover but you may or may not have that info?

But if he is posting your photo that strikes me a pretty strong indication that he still cares so be open that maybe he deserves a hearing.

[Anonymous]

I think you're conflicted because he was an addict and a alcoholic and not someone who ran off with another woman and abandoned you deliberately. I would read up about addiction, get some perspective about the disease, and not make emotional decisions (like you did when you blocked him from Facebook). You're pissed off and sad. I think you need to approach this in a more practical way for your healing and his. Maybe approach it from a place of understanding and generosity, rather than reacting to your anger and sadness? I don't know. I'm no expert. But since he didn't do it to me, I'm thinking give the dude a chance?

[Anonymous]

Are your mom and stepdad alive and can you talk to them about it? Your mom in particular. She might give you some more info that can help you decide.

On a separate note, that he thinks he can just put up your photo and USE YOU to pretend to all his peeps that there is a relationship, and ignore the fact that he left you....all that points to someone who is not really detoxified as a person.

[Anonymous]

Easy solution, stop looking him up.

[Anonymous]

He’s dying and his whole life is flashing before his eyes. Including all of his mistakes. But these are HIS mistakes. And he’s probably feeling guilty, and maybe regret.

You are right to feel angry that he thinks he can just send you a Facebook message, hijack a wedding photo and post it as his own, and then get positive attention from others when he hasn’t been in your life all this time.

Someone once told my DH this about his father (who he doesn’t know) This man has never been and will never be a “father”, the fathering is over. This is now just the man that impregnated your mother and you share DNA. If you want to get to know that man, that’s fine. But he will never be your “father”.

It helped my husband to come to terms with his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your mom and stepdad alive and can you talk to them about it? Your mom in particular. She might give you some more info that can help you decide.

On a separate note, that he thinks he can just put up your photo and USE YOU to pretend to all his peeps that there is a relationship, and ignore the fact that he left you....all that points to someone who is not really detoxified as a person.

Agree with this. I would be livid that he shared my photo. Take your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On a separate note, that he thinks he can just put up your photo and USE YOU to pretend to all his peeps that there is a relationship, and ignore the fact that he left you....all that points to someone who is not really detoxified as a person.

My FIL does this to a lessor extent. In our case, we have a relationship, but it's not very deep because he's a difficult person. He uses any interaction with us or knowledge of our lives to make himself look better. By looking at his Facebook page, you'd think he's grandfather of the year, when in fact he cares less about actual interactions with the grandchildren than news he can brag about or staged photos with them that he can post and repost.

In your case, I have no idea whether your bio dad is trying to take credit for the person you have become, or whether he posted with regret, wanting to share with friends and family--who might have known of your existence--that you turned out fine despite his failures as a parent. I think that if you choose to have an interaction with him, you should be prepared for either possibility (or anything in between).

[Anonymous]

Yes, you will regret it. Talk to him. You need closure.

[Anonymous]

I have been in your situation and I have no regrets about not getting in touch when this man was dying. It has been 20 years. Zero regrets.

[Anonymous]

20 years have passed. You have changed. He may have changed. You owe him nothing. But you owe yourself the chance to avoid a lifetime of heartache and "woulda, coulda, shoulda". So, you should contact him, agree to meet him somewhere neutral for coffee, make no commitments to yourself or him about how long you'll stay. Go, talk to him. Figure out if the person he is today is a person you want to get to know again or whether he's close enough to the father you remember to feel closure not seeing him or talking to him again. Do whatever you need to get closure yourself. If that's one and done; then so be it. If it's seeing him a couple of times until his illness gets extreme; that's what you do. If you find that you want to reconnect and spend the last few months of his life having the father that you never had, great.

But only you can decide; and you need more information about him to decide. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

chances are he is in some AA/NA group and part of their "yay let's all be happy again now that we said sorry" is to make amends with those their habits hurt.

It is a one way street for them, they go back to their group and tell everyone I apologized to all those I hurt and they get a new chip and move on,

Yet they rarely rebuild those relationships because it is all about them and not the others. Classic blame game but they still don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you will regret it. Talk to him. You need closure.

I agree. The fact that you are curious about him indicates that on some level, you acknowledge the connection and are curious about his life. You will regret it if you don't reach out.

It may be helpful to remember tho, that he doesn't get to control how much contact, or the kind of contact, you will have from here on out. You can reach out to him for your purposes - ask your questions, share your feelings about his choices, whatever is important to you. If he responds to you reaching out, and wants to answer your questions or respond to your feelings, that's great. You will have had your chance to say your peace.

But, you are under no obligation to maintain contact or to let him live out his missed years as a daddy (if that's what he's after) or whatever his agenda is, after you get what you need. This is one of those deals where both parties have to decide to proceed. You can walk away any time. Just remember that. You have your own power to decide what you want from him and what you want to be to him. You don't have to be what he wants.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you.

It's a tough call but I'll try to offer some advice. I went through something similar.

i met my biological mom - and my biological brother later in life after my father's death. I was fully prepared to go a lifetime without this meeting and intended to do so but life circumstances happened and I did indeed meet her.

It was more than strange. I was fully prepared to get things off my chest as it related to her abandoning me and all the incidents surrounding that, but at the time she was ill and failing. She's since died.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of the meeting or aftermath but i will say this. I'm glad I did. If not for anyone but my own peace of mind that I didn't even know that I didn't have until I had it - if that makes sense. A letting go if you will. We all walk around and harbor resentments and disappointments in life - big and small and it shapes us. This has shaped you - in whatever way and I think having contact prior to your bio father's death is simply a way relieve yourself from any future "what if" anxieties.

That said, you should be prepared and willing to deal with any emotional fall out - buried feelings/resentment/anger/sadness - whatever. I approached with a detachment - and later dealt with emotions internally and alone. That was my way - but be prepared to address as it's likely they will arise.

I strive to do things that will make me a better person in life and one filled with self-understanding and forgiveness - even when not deserved - goes along way in those efforts.

Good luck.