Biological father found me on Facebook

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in your situation and I have no regrets about not getting in touch when this man was dying. It has been 20 years. Zero regrets.

That's my thinking too. I had/have No regrets at all.

Only you can decide what you need.

Does it bother you that he shared your photo?

[Anonymous]

Where was he when you needed him, OP? An innocent child abandoned by an adult who knew better. Suddenly now he needs you? How does that make you feel? I hope you’re now the adult who knows better. Don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you twice. You’ve done just fine in spite of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s dying and his whole life is flashing before his eyes. Including all of his mistakes. But these are HIS mistakes. And he’s probably feeling guilty, and maybe regret.

You are right to feel angry that he thinks he can just send you a Facebook message, hijack a wedding photo and post it as his own, and then get positive attention from others when he hasn’t been in your life all this time.

Someone once told my DH this about his father (who he doesn’t know) This man has never been and will never be a “father”, the fathering is over. This is now just the man that impregnated your mother and you share DNA. If you want to get to know that man, that’s fine. But he will never be your “father”.

It helped my husband to come to terms with his feelings.

+1

Reach out to him, or don't, whatever you want. But not because he is your "father." It is not your job to help him get over his guilt or regrets. You don't owe him anything. You should do what feels right for you, and if you do reach out, think about what you hope to accomplish. What do you want to happen? What are the odds that happens? What will you do if it doesn't happen that way?

I would talk to your mom, if you can. You don't have to tell her that he reached out, you can just say that now that you are a parent yourself, you find yourself wondering about him. See what insight and information she has about him, that you would not have had as a child.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks, all. When he first reached out in 2012, and a few times since, I have talked with my mom (and step-dad) about it and at first I think they were apprehensive, but my mom has told me it's completely my decision, she'll support me either way. She was also pissed he posted my wedding photo, and pissed at the person she assumes sent it to him/his family. My biological uncle has reached out to my mom in the past and I know my bio-father has only gotten sober in the past 10-15 years or so - it's been since 1990 that I've seen him. It's not like he cleaned up a few months after he and my mom split and she's been keeping me from him. He lives on the west coast, so I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. I definitely don't want to open myself up only to be asked for money or something crazy... It's the not knowing that is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks, all. When he first reached out in 2012, and a few times since, I have talked with my mom (and step-dad) about it and at first I think they were apprehensive, but my mom has told me it's completely my decision, she'll support me either way. She was also pissed he posted my wedding photo, and pissed at the person she assumes sent it to him/his family. My biological uncle has reached out to my mom in the past and I know my bio-father has only gotten sober in the past 10-15 years or so - it's been since 1990 that I've seen him. It's not like he cleaned up a few months after he and my mom split and she's been keeping me from him. He lives on the west coast, so I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. I definitely don't want to open myself up only to be asked for money or something crazy... It's the not knowing that is really hard.

Sorry he reached out in 2010, not 2012. Don't want anyone calling, "TROLL!!" on me.

[Anonymous]

I think you will regret not speaking to him or seeing him.

People regret the things they didn't do, not the things they did. Meaning, if you speak to him and realize it wasn't a good idea, you won't be tortured wondering about the "what if" for the rest of your life. You will know you spoke to him and then had a good reason to not continue the relationship.

If speaking to him turns out badly it will simply be a life lesson. But if you don't speak to him you will always wonder.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this kind of situation. He was a toxic person before, and he still is a toxic person. He will use false guilt and self pity to manipulate you in some way. It doesn't have to be money, he can exhaust you emotionally. You dodged that bullet once, don't invite it back.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholics are incredibly destructive when when they are "cured" or in recovery. Usually highly manipulative individuals. Him sharing your photo demonstrates he likes to put on a show.

As long as you understand to not get close to him, proceed. Have no expectations and you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, i think if you do reach out, you need to go with with reasonable expectations that this may not have a happy ending. In fact, he may send you into a tailspin of hurt. It’s deeply painful to have your father intentionally abandon you for a life of alcohol. My father did it. I saw him a few times after that and he was extremely fixated on himself and didn’t ask me about me- didn’t ask about my kids or where I lived. He did tell me that he used the fact that I had deployed to Iraq to get free beer at the VFW hall. Not sure why he told me that, but he was super proud of himself.

It sounds like you want to reach out to him. Truly, you deserve to act on whatever feelings you have. I just caution you that the likelihood that he’s going to be appropriately sensitive to the pain he caused you is low.

[Anonymous]

Is there anything you want to ask him or anything you want to know? If you decide to reach out to him, you can control the terms. I echo what some of the pp have said in that you may not hear what you are hoping to hear and the experience may be upsetting for you, but also lots of stuff in life is hard and I don't think that's necessarily a reason to not do it.

Even if you agree to a phone call or an email conversation, it doesn't mean the relationship has to extend beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're conflicted because he was an addict and a alcoholic and not someone who ran off with another woman and abandoned you deliberately. I would read up about addiction, get some perspective about the disease, and not make emotional decisions (like you did when you blocked him from Facebook). You're pissed off and sad. I think you need to approach this in a more practical way for your healing and his. Maybe approach it from a place of understanding and generosity, rather than reacting to your anger and sadness? I don't know. I'm no expert. But since he didn't do it to me, I'm thinking give the dude a chance?

I don't know if you should contact your father. You might want to attend some Al-Anon meetings and listen to other folks who have friends and family who are alcoholics. And if you decide to contact him, regular attendance at Al-Anon would be helpful. At any rate, this pp is right about reading up on addiction. You may have inherited a predisposition to addiction from your father. And it's something you would definitely want to talk to your kids about as they grow up because they might inherit this as well. (My kid grew up in a non-drinking household and became an alcoholic anyway. It helped her that she had heard about this possibility growing up and fortunately is in recovery today.) You should learn more about your disease. Just because your father is out of your life now - that doesn't mean the disease will stay out of your life.

Anyway, whatever your decision, sounds like a good thing you're doing some thinking about this. Hope things work out as best they can. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

FWIW, prostrate cancer usually isn’t fatal...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel for you.

It's a tough call but I'll try to offer some advice. I went through something similar.

i met my biological mom - and my biological brother later in life after my father's death. I was fully prepared to go a lifetime without this meeting and intended to do so but life circumstances happened and I did indeed meet her.

It was more than strange. I was fully prepared to get things off my chest as it related to her abandoning me and all the incidents surrounding that, but at the time she was ill and failing. She's since died.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of the meeting or aftermath but i will say this. I'm glad I did. If not for anyone but my own peace of mind that I didn't even know that I didn't have until I had it - if that makes sense. A letting go if you will. We all walk around and harbor resentments and disappointments in life - big and small and it shapes us. This has shaped you - in whatever way and I think having contact prior to your bio father's death is simply a way relieve yourself from any future "what if" anxieties.

That said, you should be prepared and willing to deal with any emotional fall out - buried feelings/resentment/anger/sadness - whatever. I approached with a detachment - and later dealt with emotions internally and alone. That was my way - but be prepared to address as it's likely they will arise.

I strive to do things that will make me a better person in life and one filled with self-understanding and forgiveness - even when not deserved - goes along way in those efforts.

Good luck.

NP. This is a great post, thank you for sharing. I think you have a remarkable perspective as well as a real clarity of understanding about yourself and what you need to be happy and at peace.

[Anonymous]

OP----thanks for starting this post. I've been thinking for years about trying to find my biological father and I just took the first step today. I don't know if I'll be successful but at least I can tell myself that I've tried. The discussion on your post finally gave me the boost that I've needed to make the effort.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in this situation and I advised her to see her dad. I said she if you see him and it's shit, that's one day and you go on living life as you did before. If you don't you may wonder for the rest of your life what might have been. Later she thanked me because he died a couple of days after she saw him.

There's no harm in a conversation. You can make it as short as possible or it may open the door to something else.