Setting boundaries with sister
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Anonymous
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My sister has a lot of serious mental health issues, including alcoholism. Six months ago she married someone over 30years older than her who also has alcohol issues. It took me a while to accept their relationship, but I realize this was her decision and not for me to say who she marries. However, she and her new husband keep pushing to spend time with my family. I’m willing to see them on major holidays (whoever is hosting avoids serving alcohol), but now they are inviting us to their house for a visit. I don’t feel at all comfortable going there with my kids. They are already confused about my sister’s husband because he is so much older than her, but my real concern is drinking in front on my kids. My husband and I have decided we will not go, but I need to figure out how to tell my sister in a way that is both kind and honest. Directly addressing the alcohol issues with her just doesn’t work- she gets very defensive and angry. Ideas on how I communicate this to her?
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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What the hell is so confusing to your kids about the age difference?
Honestly OP I think any issues your kids will have is from having a judgemental mother like you . |
Anonymous
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Please come back and let us know: Does a visit mean staying overnight? How far away are they?
If they're nearby or an hour or so away, and you want to maintain a relationship: Does your sister tend to be sober if she's out in public at midday, such as at a restaurant at brunch or lunch hours? If so--that might be something you can suggest, meeting for a midday meal at a family-friendly (as in, minimal to no alcohol) restaurant, then maybe (in better weather than right now) having a walk at a nearby park after lunch, maybe watching the kids play at the park. Then you and they go your separate ways. Neutral ground, focus is on the kids or an activity, it's easy to leave when you want. Repeat at different seasons as appropriate. Hit a craft show after lunch, or an early afternoon family movie, or a fall festival outdoors, etc. If they are further away and want a visit where you stay with them--either say no or stay in a hotel and only one night. Dinner out rather than at their house. If they're talking about a trip to see them, you could visit on your own but still stay in a hotel (claim you're a light sleeper or whatever). See what they're like in their own home. Still--I agree with you that having your kids in their home is a non-starter if you have an issue with their possibly drinking in front of the kids or think they may be drunk or just too "loose" when you arrive. Be warned: DCUM will preach here about how you probably drink in front of your kids so what's the harm if they see aunt drink; or how sister is family and family trumps absolutely everything and you're awful to keep the kids away from her; or how you're judging and that's awful too, etc. OK, that's out if the way now. YOU know what you want for your kids and you know whether your gut says visits are a bad idea; go with your gut. I did not mention the age difference with the husband because it is pretty irrelevant compared to two adults who are both alcoholics who have married and likely enable each others' sickness. Sadly, it IS a sickness, and your sister is likely to end up as the caregiver for her much older alcoholic husband sooner rather than later. That won't help her get better herself, either. I hope that you can be supportive as far as possible because she'll need that support, but it does not need to include you kids visiting them at their home. |
Anonymous
It sounds like she's reaching out and really wants to spend time with you. Perhaps phrase your response in a way that makes it more about your parenting choices, and doesn't directly put her on the defensive. Such as, "I'd love to come over for dinner, but we don't drink alcohol in front of the kids." Then suggest an alternative activity you could all do together that isn't likely to involve boozing. Museums, the zoo, a movie, etc. You could keep reaching out to her and extending the invitations so she feels that you care, and so you have more control over the venue. Hopefully by spending more time together you can build a bridge, and she may become more receptive to your concerns. |
Anonymous
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I'm not exactly sure what you are asking.
Setting boundaries means YOUR BEHAVIOR. What you will and won't do. It doesn't mean that you tell them they can't drink in front of your kids or that the kids are "confused" about the age difference. Kids are confused about a lot of things -- disability, gay marriage, Donald Trump. It doesn't mean that we avoid (or can avoid) those things just to make life unconfusing for them. This really just sounds like "I don't want to see my sister because she's able to live a functional life and get married and dammit, I was hoping she would be in a gutter by now." |
Anonymous
| Then visit without your children. Make an excuse for the kids and check out the situation. You don't need to tell your sister the reason for only you visiting. P |
Anonymous
| Oops, don;t know what happen there **. Please return and let us know how far away your sister lives--many more options for visiting. |
Anonymous
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Your kids aren't confused about the age difference. They may be asking a few questions, but if you were a respectful sister you would tell them that you don't get to pick who you fall in love with...and your kids will move on. However, you're the one with the hang-up and your response and judgements will affect the way your kids view their aunt.
As for the invitation, it sounds like she'd like to see you and spend time with you. A good sibling would try to accept, even if it means leaving the kids at home. Also, if she gets defensive when talking about alcohol and other issues, it could be the way you are delivering your message. Don't put her on the defensive. Pick the right time to talk about it. Be sincere. Be caring. Use your words and tone carefully. Hopefully, if you use this approach you can have a constructive conversation. |
Anonymous
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You judgmental folks must have much more normal families.
OP, your sis sounds like mine (and my aunt, and ... goes on and on). I don’t want this kind of dysfunction to serve as an example to my kids, and you are not your sisters keeper. If you enjoy time with her, visit her alone. And feel no guilt in drawing clear boundaries regarding your kids. For lack of drama, I would simply always make kids ‘busy’ and leave it that. Her reasons for wanting you to visit are likely self serving anyways, an addict is stuck in their own black hole until they get help. |
Anonymous
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Nope. My family is ful of hot messes as is the rest of the world. I won't be doing my kids any favors by putting them in bubble wrap and having them think that people on act a certain way.
I'd rather raise them to be able to function with different types of people. than be the type to go into a cold panic the first time they see something ""different". |
Anonymous
+ 1000 I'm really curious how OP would handle her kids "confusion" if they saw a gay couple. Kids don't freak out over things like that or age differences adults do and they mimic adult behavior. As for the drinking, if they were going to be drunk around your kids I would understand but just drink. I think you or being ridiculous OP. |
Anonymous
+1 Nailed it. I never understand why people who say that they are "setting boundaries" don't understand that this DOES NOT mean that they can try to exert their control over another person. |
Anonymous
| Thanks, PP and to others who provided helpful thoughts. Agree those that haven’t been through this have no idea how difficult these situations can be. I do see my sister on a regular basis without the kids and plan to continue to do that. |
Anonymous
To clarify, I was talking about my own behavior (when and how I visit her)- I learned a long time ago I can’t control hers. |