Setting boundaries with sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP and to others who provided helpful thoughts. Agree those that haven’t been through this have no idea how difficult these situations can be. I do see my sister on a regular basis without the kids and plan to continue to do that.

I know first hand what it's like to have a bitch of a sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not exactly sure what you are asking.

Setting boundaries means YOUR BEHAVIOR. What you will and won't do. It doesn't mean that you tell them they can't drink in front of your kids or that the kids are "confused" about the age difference. Kids are confused about a lot of things -- disability, gay marriage, Donald Trump. It doesn't mean that we avoid (or can avoid) those things just to make life unconfusing for them.

This really just sounds like "I don't want to see my sister because she's able to live a functional life and get married and dammit, I was hoping she would be in a gutter by now."

+1 Nailed it. I never understand why people who say that they are "setting boundaries" don't understand that this DOES NOT mean that they can try to exert their control over another person.

To clarify, I was talking about my own behavior (when and how I visit her)- I learned a long time ago I can’t control hers.

Really? Then what are you doing here. You were hoping to find people to help you bash your sister for having an older husband and affirm you for being a great mom for keeping your kids away from those weirdos.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don't get why you're posting. You haven't said anything about inappropriate behaviors. How does her alcoholism and older DH have any impact on you or your kids? And, I don't get what your kids would be 'confused' about. Yes, their aunt's DH looks old but they love each other and that's the end of the story. Not confusing at all.

[Anonymous]

I married someone 19 years older, so I don't tolerate your crap about the age difference.

Regarding the alcoholism, it depends whether they're functional alcoholics or not. If they keep it together in front of your kids, I don't see why you should create a rift and refuse to socialize with them once in a while.

Frankly, you sound very judgemental for no reason.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, lots of judgement here, but it is DCUM! The age difference was a minor point in my post- it is by far not the major issue. My question was really about whether I should continue to make excuses why the kids aren’t coming to her house or just be straight up with her. My decision not to have my kids attend events at her home was based on recommendations from a number of therapists. My kids have witnessed her very drunk (not just a few too many- I’m talking passed out after mixing pills and alcohol) and have witnessed me take her to the ER for psych intakes on several occasions. I explain to my kids that their aunt has a mental illness in an age appropriate way and without judgement. There are other members of my family with mental health issues that we see on a regular basis and I have no concerns with my kids being around. I now only see my sister on my own or with my kids in a ‘neutral’ place (restaurant, etc), but she keeps inviting us over. She has refused regular psychiatric care for a couple of years now, so I don’t see the situation getting better anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a lot of serious mental health issues, including alcoholism. Six months ago she married someone over 30years older than her who also has alcohol issues. It took me a while to accept their relationship, but I realize this was her decision and not for me to say who she marries. However, she and her new husband keep pushing to spend time with my family. I’m willing to see them on major holidays (whoever is hosting avoids serving alcohol), but now they are inviting us to their house for a visit. I don’t feel at all comfortable going there with my kids. They are already confused about my sister’s husband because he is so much older than her, but my real concern is drinking in front on my kids. My husband and I have decided we will not go, but I need to figure out how to tell my sister in a way that is both kind and honest. Directly addressing the alcohol issues with her just doesn’t work- she gets very defensive and angry. Ideas on how I communicate this to her?

Quoting OP's latest post: "My decision not to have my kids attend events at her home was based on recommendations from a number of therapists. "

This is all you have to say. "The therapists we work with said it's not a good idea to meet at your home due to your alcohol abuse. Which restaurant will work for you?" If she gets upset/ declines/ argues, you say "I'm sorry, that is what is best for my kids. Please let me know when you would like to do that." And hang up.

[Anonymous]

Like PP, I would be direct. Not unkind, but direct and consistent:

"I'm sorry Jane but I am not comfortable having my kids spend time with you. But I'd love to set up our next lunch - would Jan. 15th at Panera's work for you?"

And I'd leave it at that and just restate that as needed. If she continued to press I'd say "Jane, my kids have seen you drunk and passed out on multiple occasions and they have also seen me take you to the ER for psych intakes. This is not good for them so I am ensuring that they won't be exposed to it anymore. I hope that you and I can continue to stay in touch, but as long as you are drinking and are not getting treatment for the (insert appropriate diagnosis here) I will be limiting their contact with you.

Your most important job is to protect your kids. Period. Just say that and stand by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like PP, I would be direct. Not unkind, but direct and consistent:

"I'm sorry Jane but I am not comfortable having my kids spend time with you. But I'd love to set up our next lunch - would Jan. 15th at Panera's work for you?"

And I'd leave it at that and just restate that as needed. If she continued to press I'd say "Jane, my kids have seen you drunk and passed out on multiple occasions and they have also seen me take you to the ER for psych intakes. This is not good for them so I am ensuring that they won't be exposed to it anymore. I hope that you and I can continue to stay in touch, but as long as you are drinking and are not getting treatment for the (insert appropriate diagnosis here) I will be limiting their contact with you.

Your most important job is to protect your kids. Period. Just say that and stand by it.

+1. This is some scary shit for kids. The age probably isn't the issue for you (and certainly isn't for the kids, depending on their ages) but if he's 30 yrs older and has been an alcoholic that long, he probably looks 60 years older and a whole lot scarier. Just let her know that the more stable she is, the likelier you can work family visits for everyone back into your schedule. If she's highly functioning, she will understand/agree.

But remember to let her do her time and let her off the hook if all goes well.