vent: irresponsible, bad parents now flailing

[Anonymous]

I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

[Anonymous]

They suck. And anyone who tries to guilt-trip you should get an earful about how your parents treated you. They made bad choices and didn’t create a relationship with you that would now entitle them to make emotional and financial demands. You need to focus on yourself, your spouse if you have one, and your child.

[Anonymous]

Cant fix narcissist parents. Just say no to the financial whining.

[Anonymous]

They need to downsize. When you cannot afford your lifestyle you do not have a choice.

I think you should just say something along the lines of "I am sorry that I am not in a financial position to help them maintain their lifestyle, it is a good thing they have choices at this point in their lives." It sounds like you have a strong moral compass, keep that.

[Anonymous]

You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

thanks for that. despite everything, I still have the impulse to send them a check, which I KNOW would be wrong on so many levels.

[Anonymous]

Stay firm. If you send a check they'll take an inch and go for a mile later. It won't end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

thanks for that. despite everything, I still have the impulse to send them a check, which I KNOW would be wrong on so many levels.

Don't do it. It sounds like they have enough to maintain a roof over their head and buy groceries if they choose to live within their means. It's not your responsibility to keep them on an unsustainable lifestyle. They can downsize and they can look for income based senior housing. If they make all those changes and still need help if you are feeling generous you can help (but certainly aren't obligated to...and really I probably wouldn't). But no need to even worry about it until then. I mean they wouldn't even let you stay with them on summer breaks? That's so harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

thanks for that. despite everything, I still have the impulse to send them a check, which I KNOW would be wrong on so many levels.

It sucks, because you're a normal human being with empathy, and it hurts to be put in that position. You have to find whatever point lets you feel OK about your level of help/involvement, but if it sounds like a bottomless pit of need/obligation, at some point you're gonna have to say "no". Some people can say no right off the bat; other folks feel compelled to help to some extent and end up there eventually. But, know that even if you crack and decide to send them something, that doesn't become a precedent and put you on the hook forever. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They suck. And anyone who tries to guilt-trip you should get an earful about how your parents treated you. They made bad choices and didn’t create a relationship with you that would now entitle them to make emotional and financial demands. You need to focus on yourself, your spouse if you have one, and your child.

This is pretty interesting advice: the people who are leaning on you probably don't have the whole story about your relationship. They might change their minds if you have a few short-and-sweet chilling details about their history of cutting you off, which you can drop casually into conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to downsize. When you cannot afford your lifestyle you do not have a choice.

I think you should just say something along the lines of "I am sorry that I am not in a financial position to help them maintain their lifestyle, it is a good thing they have choices at this point in their lives." It sounds like you have a strong moral compass, keep that.

This. You need to put it back on your parents whenever relatives complain to you. "I am really sorry that I can't help them as much as they need help. They need to downsize so that they can better afford their bills. You can't maintain the same lifestyle after retirement, but they are lucky to have lots of choices on how to adjust."

[Anonymous]

It's not your problem. You have no reason to help and no reason to feel guilty for not helping. Don't borrow trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

STOP supporting other relatives until you have fully funded your retirement and your kid's college. No one else is going to step up and take care of you in retirement. People like you are pretty rare. I know very few people who are supporting non-parent relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

My good income has nothing to do with "blessing." I worked hard to get where I am.

Just perfect the phrase, "No, I'm not in a position to do that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

thanks for that. despite everything, I still have the impulse to send them a check, which I KNOW would be wrong on so many levels.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. No one is helped by having family members rescue them from repeated bad financial decisions. If a financial crisis is the result of a cycle of bad decisions/bad situations, they have to face the facts and fix the problem, not just throw good money after bad