vent: irresponsible, bad parents now flailing

[Anonymous]

I thought what the PP above was going to suggest was if you want to help at all (just to shut up the relatives) you could gift your parents a couple hours with a financial planner so they could figure out their own finances, and how to downsize. That would be very generous help (certainly don't sit down with the financial planner about how YOU could help.)

[Anonymous]

Seriously do not do it. Just walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously do not do it. Just walk away.

+1 If you even start with the smallest amount of financial help their expectations of you will largely increase. They cut you off and pissed their money away, don’t contribute to their financial irresponsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought what the PP above was going to suggest was if you want to help at all (just to shut up the relatives) you could gift your parents a couple hours with a financial planner so they could figure out their own finances, and how to downsize. That would be very generous help (certainly don't sit down with the financial planner about how YOU could help.)

This is a great suggestion!

[Anonymous]

I didn't say lay out all your financial info in front of your parents! I was suggesting the planner look at the parents parents info, and tell them what they can afford. Have the planner tell them their kid can't afford to give them $xx because they can't afford to: they need to save for their child's college and their retirement so they dont end up in the same place. If financial planner tells parents kid cant afford it, maybe they'll believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay firm. If you send a check they'll take an inch and go for a mile later. It won't end.

+1

Don't start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

thanks for that. despite everything, I still have the impulse to send them a check, which I KNOW would be wrong on so many levels.

How would you feel if you sent them a check for 5,000 and they spent it all on a vacation for them and your siblings. If you are ok with that send a check . If not don't as they could buy whatever they want with it.

[Anonymous]

The people laying guilt on you are just as big of douches as your parents are

You need to stop supporting ALL relatives. Word gets around and they all come at you with their hands out

[Anonymous]

The way to alleviate your guilt now is to tell yourself that you are saving your money for a time when they may truly be destitute and in dire need—which means their only option left is to live in a box under a bridge. They aren’t there yet since they have assets and other options. Hopefully, that time will never come.

The point at which you can truly afford to give away any money is when your retirement and kids’ college funds are fully funded and your house is all paid for. Up until then, you can’t afford it. And to any busybodies, just tell them, “I wish I could help, but I’m not able to.” Claim ‘student loans’ if you have to—that could be your euphemism for ‘they didn’t help me.’

A no cost way to possibly be helpful is to gather up names, phone numbers and websites of agencies that they can turn to for help, such as a local office on aging, senior housing, social security benefits, and job assistance (AARP) and give it to them. But do that only if you think they would appreciate getting the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They suck. And anyone who tries to guilt-trip you should get an earful about how your parents treated you. They made bad choices and didn’t create a relationship with you that would now entitle them to make emotional and financial demands. You need to focus on yourself, your spouse if you have one, and your child.

Be neutral and stick to facts, otherwise it makes you look vindictive. I have a mother who when upset likes to criticize me to all and sundry, so I know the art of seeming to be above the fray while simultaneously fact-checking.

OP is being vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay firm. If you send a check they'll take an inch and go for a mile later. It won't end.

+1 Btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They suck. And anyone who tries to guilt-trip you should get an earful about how your parents treated you. They made bad choices and didn’t create a relationship with you that would now entitle them to make emotional and financial demands. You need to focus on yourself, your spouse if you have one, and your child.

Be neutral and stick to facts, otherwise it makes you look vindictive. I have a mother who when upset likes to criticize me to all and sundry, so I know the art of seeming to be above the fray while simultaneously fact-checking.

OP is being vindictive.

Is the OP pissed about being treated differently from the younger siblings 20 years ago. Yes. rightfully so.

Is the OP pissed that her current parents have nothing and have wasted their money over the last 20 years Yes. Rightfully so

Is the op Pissed that they have become the "family bank" yes, but that is the OP's own fault.

Nothing vindictive going on. OP just doesn't want to support the parents. Now if the OP stopped giving to others they might have some disposable income to give to mom and dad, but I would not recommend it... Especially if you are worried about the money being wasted on non essential items

[Anonymous]

It's ok to say no op. It really is. Repeat, I'm sorry, but it's not in my budget.

[Anonymous]

What specifically do they need financial help with? Is it housing, medical bills, credit cards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do they need financial help with? Is it housing, medical bills, credit cards?

giant mortgage, expensive home health care, and a business they are trying to run but don't have the money to maintain.