vent: irresponsible, bad parents now flailing

[Anonymous]

When they hinted/asked for money I'd thank them for never giving you money. State that it's made you a realist and good at budgeting and though it was difficult at the time, it's for the best. Return the favour.

[Anonymous]

I’d definitely let a few things slip to family and friends about how they’ve treated you over the years. People wouldn’t expect anything from you if they knew. They probably assume your parents helped you like they helped the others and are therefore wondering why you’re not helping them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d definitely let a few things slip to family and friends about how they’ve treated you over the years. People wouldn’t expect anything from you if they knew. They probably assume your parents helped you like they helped the others and are therefore wondering why you’re not helping them now.

I think you could say something like, "you know, it was hard when my parents refused to help me out with college (or whatever), but it really helped me become better at budgeting and living within my means. it's a good lesson to learn at any stage of life."

[Anonymous]

My parents had 9 kids in 10 years. We all grew into white trash . My father is deceased and my mother enables to this day 55 year old siblings that are totally out of control. I am pissed at my parents for being so irresponsible. My mother is a thief and liar. This will forever be burnt into my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d definitely let a few things slip to family and friends about how they’ve treated you over the years. People wouldn’t expect anything from you if they knew. They probably assume your parents helped you like they helped the others and are therefore wondering why you’re not helping them now.

Say “Well actually I’m still working through some of the financial things I had to deal with because they made me be self supporting at 18. Since my siblings were able to live at home far longer and should have the savings and financial stability from that generosity, I hope they’ll contrubte to our parents as a gift”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing them a favor by not helping them, really. They need to face reality.

thanks for that. despite everything, I still have the impulse to send them a check, which I KNOW would be wrong on so many levels.

It sucks, because you're a normal human being with empathy, and it hurts to be put in that position. You have to find whatever point lets you feel OK about your level of help/involvement, but if it sounds like a bottomless pit of need/obligation, at some point you're gonna have to say "no". Some people can say no right off the bat; other folks feel compelled to help to some extent and end up there eventually. But, know that even if you crack and decide to send them something, that doesn't become a precedent and put you on the hook forever. Good luck.

+1

The gravy train will NOT stop. Stay strong, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d definitely let a few things slip to family and friends about how they’ve treated you over the years. People wouldn’t expect anything from you if they knew. They probably assume your parents helped you like they helped the others and are therefore wondering why you’re not helping them now.

Say “Well actually I’m still working through some of the financial things I had to deal with because they made me be self supporting at 18. Since my siblings were able to live at home far longer and should have the savings and financial stability from that generosity, I hope they’ll contrubte to our parents as a gift”

+1

YES. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d definitely let a few things slip to family and friends about how they’ve treated you over the years. People wouldn’t expect anything from you if they knew. They probably assume your parents helped you like they helped the others and are therefore wondering why you’re not helping them now.

I think you could say something like, "you know, it was hard when my parents refused to help me out with college (or whatever), but it really helped me become better at budgeting and living within my means. it's a good lesson to learn at any stage of life."

+1

This one is good, too. OP - use these suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't throw good money after bad! If they want help (as opposed to continuous, unlimited $$) offer to sit down with them and your financial planner (neutral 3rd party who can be realistic with them about what you can and can't do while maintaining your goals, in case they don't believe it coming from you) who can help you make a plan all of you can live with.

If they are unwilling: say no! Set boundaries with your family and their friends who are badgering you. Don't accept the guilt. Have a firm and friendly response that you repeat over and over: thanks for your suggestion, I will take that u see advisement. Then do what you need to do for your sanity.

Been their, done that. My SIL thinks the $$ from us comes from a faucet she can turn on whenever she "needs" money she doesn't have.

+1

SILs are the worst. My friend helped his sister, and she did nothing but take advantage: "But I need this, but I need that..." Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

STOP supporting other relatives until you have fully funded your retirement and your kid's college. No one else is going to step up and take care of you in retirement. People like you are pretty rare. I know very few people who are supporting non-parent relatives.

and you don't know who or how much someone will put in to taking care of your kid if something happens to you. put that money away for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do they need financial help with? Is it housing, medical bills, credit cards?

giant mortgage, expensive home health care, and a business they are trying to run but don't have the money to maintain.

I never understand hearing about elderly who still have a “huge mortgage.” So they just refinanced again and again so that they could borrow more and more. That makes me so frustrated to hear.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread from 2017, guys.