vent: irresponsible, bad parents now flailing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do they need financial help with? Is it housing, medical bills, credit cards?

giant mortgage, expensive home health care, and a business they are trying to run but don't have the money to maintain.

DP but with those concerns it does sound like a consultation with a reputable financial planner would be very wise. Sometimes an outside perspective can help and at least OP won't be the bad guy. And you may even be surprised and find out that the situation may not be as dire as you suppose.

In the meantime, start your rainy day fund for your parents, OP. Don't tell them that you are doing it, of course. Put aside some money on a regular basis because like it or not you may feel compelled to step in at some point and it would be helpful if you can do it without over-reaching yourself.

Unfortunately you don't get to choose family in life and these are your parents; their repeatedly bad choices may end them up in a pretty urgent situation. It would be kind to help them if their only housing option left is a box under a bridge as some other poster pointed out.

[Anonymous]

I for sure would never send money when they could easily get a smaller, less expensive house.

If you won't do any work to fix your own problems, don't expect me to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do they need financial help with? Is it housing, medical bills, credit cards?

giant mortgage, expensive home health care, and a business they are trying to run but don't have the money to maintain.

DP but with those concerns it does sound like a consultation with a reputable financial planner would be very wise. Sometimes an outside perspective can help and at least OP won't be the bad guy. And you may even be surprised and find out that the situation may not be as dire as you suppose.

In the meantime, start your rainy day fund for your parents, OP. Don't tell them that you are doing it, of course. Put aside some money on a regular basis because like it or not you may feel compelled to step in at some point and it would be helpful if you can do it without over-reaching yourself.

Unfortunately you don't get to choose family in life and these are your parents; their repeatedly bad choices may end them up in a pretty urgent situation. It would be kind to help them if their only housing option left is a box under a bridge as some other poster pointed out.

These are not her parents. This is her dad and his wife who is obviously not a mother figure for OP since she treated her like garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do they need financial help with? Is it housing, medical bills, credit cards?

giant mortgage, expensive home health care, and a business they are trying to run but don't have the money to maintain.

The mortgage and the business are really just black holes of money. If they can't afford to pay the mortgage without your help you literally are better off burning your money since the only alternatives are for you to pay it forever or that they will eventually lose the house. Seriously, btdt. Both times a total disaster. First time helped pay a mortgage off only to have that person take out another mortgage on the same property and lose it. Second time, the person held on to the property for an extra year but ultimately didn't give up on failing business and get a regular job and lost it to foreclosure. As someone who has been there don't do it! The relationship is already damaged once they try and pressure you for the money. Giving it to them makes it worse because seeing irresponsible people blow your money on the same mistakes, which your dad and stepmother most certainly will, is a hard pill to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't say lay out all your financial info in front of your parents! I was suggesting the planner look at the parents parents info, and tell them what they can afford. Have the planner tell them their kid can't afford to give them $xx because they can't afford to: they need to save for their child's college and their retirement so they dont end up in the same place. If financial planner tells parents kid cant afford it, maybe they'll believe it.

O.k. that makes a lot more sense. I think it isn't a bad idea for the parents to sit down with a financial planner to discuss their own finances and figure out a plan for the future.

[Anonymous]

Do not send them a check. If they are desperate you can pay rent/utility/food bills directly. My sister spent her entire adult life hitting my parents up for help with education costs/cars/appliance replacement. Very little of it every actually went to pay for these needs. She is a compulsive shopper/hoarder who has bankrupted two husbands. I invite her for holidays but I would never give her a check. Same with my husbands layabout relatives. I will pay for necessities but only by writing a check to the landlord/utility/or buying food.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry dad and <wife>, I can see that you could use some extra money but I want to be clear that I'm not in a position to give that. As you know, I've been on my own since I was 18 and it was a long, hard road.... and while I'm no longer struggling, I'm nowhere near wealthy. We have significant living expenses ourselves, plus it's important to me to be able to give our children a solid financial foundation in life so they don't need to struggle and fend for themselves the way I did. That means college funds and so on, which are quite expensive. That's what I'm working so hard for, and so that I'm not a financial burden for my own children as we get older. I hope you can understand that. I'd be happy to set up an appointment with a financial advisor though, if you're looking for ways to streamline your expenses and manage your money more effectively."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sorry dad and <wife>, I can see that you could use some extra money but I want to be clear that I'm not in a position to give that. As you know, I've been on my own since I was 18 and it was a long, hard road.... and while I'm no longer struggling, I'm nowhere near wealthy. We have significant living expenses ourselves, plus it's important to me to be able to give our children a solid financial foundation in life so they don't need to struggle and fend for themselves the way I did. That means college funds and so on, which are quite expensive. That's what I'm working so hard for, and so that I'm not a financial burden for my own children as we get older. I hope you can understand that. I'd be happy to set up an appointment with a financial advisor though, if you're looking for ways to streamline your expenses and manage your money more effectively."

PP here. I forgot to talk about sacrifices. You should definitely include the word sacrifices in there somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They suck. And anyone who tries to guilt-trip you should get an earful about how your parents treated you. They made bad choices and didn’t create a relationship with you that would now entitle them to make emotional and financial demands. You need to focus on yourself, your spouse if you have one, and your child.

This is pretty interesting advice: the people who are leaning on you probably don't have the whole story about your relationship. They might change their minds if you have a few short-and-sweet chilling details about their history of cutting you off, which you can drop casually into conversation.

'
I disagree. You don't owe other people all the justifications and explanations and frankly, it's none of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't say lay out all your financial info in front of your parents! I was suggesting the planner look at the parents parents info, and tell them what they can afford. Have the planner tell them their kid can't afford to give them $xx because they can't afford to: they need to save for their child's college and their retirement so they dont end up in the same place. If financial planner tells parents kid cant afford it, maybe they'll believe it.

O.k. that makes a lot more sense. I think it isn't a bad idea for the parents to sit down with a financial planner to discuss their own finances and figure out a plan for the future.

I think if the Dad and Stepmom were decent human beings then yes, the explanation of "I can't float your mortgage and businesses when I have my own retirement/529 to fund" would be a rational course of actions. But if they are selfish and delusional about money it's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

[Anonymous]

Hey, why can't the family that OP's dad/stepmom helped out help the dad/stepmom out?

I mean, OP sort of was released from any obligation towards them when they refused to let her stay @ home over breaks but let other siblings do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

Just curious: what was their reason for refusing to let you stay with them over summer breaks?

[Anonymous]

Don't send anything. I made the mistake of sending grocery store gift cards thinking I'm helping by letting them spend their money on other items they might need. I now get calls for car repairs or 2nd cousin's boyfriend is in jail and her baby needs diapers. It will never end. I started saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

Just curious: what was their reason for refusing to let you stay with them over summer breaks?

I don't remember. All I remember is being on the phone a week before the term ended and them asking "what are you doing this summer?" and I said "going back home" and they said "No, you aren't." I fended for myself thanks to friends who let me couchsurf and an economy that let me pick up several minimum wage jobs on short notice, but it was upsetting. They never asked where I was going to stay, how I was going to afford it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am SO pissed at my parents (dad and stepmother). They treated me terribly, never gave me a cent after I was 18 (even refused to let me stay at their house on summer breaks), while favoring the younger set of siblings (eg still paying their cell phone bills when they were in their 30s.) Despite having many advantages (Boomer generation, property that appreciated hugely, state pension, inheritance) they frittered away a lot of it on vacations and on scammy things that they really should have known better about (student loans to get a degree in their 60s, timeshares, quack medical treatments, money to slacker siblings). Now they're basically both disabled and are refusing to downsize and are coming begging for money to friends and relatives, who are in turn guilt-tripping ME to give my parents money. Meanwhile, I am supporting other relatives who have been much nicer to me and actually legitimately need money, while trying to save for my own retirement and child's college. Like many people around here in DC, I am blessed to make a good income, and yet simultaneously considering doing my winter wardrobe shopping at a thrift store. It just makes me SO MAD that they blundered their way through life and now expect me to help them, once again not giving a shit about me and making it all about their needs/wants/beliefs.

Just curious: what was their reason for refusing to let you stay with them over summer breaks?

I don't remember. All I remember is being on the phone a week before the term ended and them asking "what are you doing this summer?" and I said "going back home" and they said "No, you aren't." I fended for myself thanks to friends who let me couchsurf and an economy that let me pick up several minimum wage jobs on short notice, but it was upsetting. They never asked where I was going to stay, how I was going to afford it, etc.

I can't believe they didn't even inquire as to where you were staying. Please do not help these jerks!