What am I doing wrong?? My relationships never pan out
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Anonymous
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I'm in my mid 30s. I seem fairly capable of attracting men, but nothing is turning into a long term relationship.
I would like to get married. I've read just about every dating, marriage and Rship book out there. I've tried all the different approaches ever mentioned. Playing it cool. Not playing it cool. Being super picky. Not being picky and dating everyone who asks. Have sex. Don't have sex. Wait on sex. Don't wait on sex. Be coy. Be outspoken. Be strong and independent. Be needy. Be sexy. Be prude. Go to church. Go to Home Depot. Hang out in bars. Go out single. Go to sports bars. Act married. Don't act married. Mention marriage early. Don't mention it at all. Mention it after a year. Let him bring it up. Enjoy single hood. Pretend you're already married, visualize. Lol I've tried it all. I have tried any and every way to enter a long term relationship. I would like to think it's the guys where I live (the South), but maybe it's just me. I'm not desperate, I'm not picky, I don't have a laundry list of requirements. I'm told I'm very attractive. I'm fit and educated, stable career. I'm not seeking something I don't already have myself. I would like to meet a man who is kind, has a stable career, we get along, and he also wants marriage. That last one seems to be the toughest to find. I've met plenty of guys who just want a good time, for as long as it will last. I tried being content with that, and having no pressure, but it doesn't turn out well for me. I end up really liking the guy and wanting more, but he doesn't, so my heart gets broken. Over and over again. I want to stop that cycle. What are some tips you all can give me? I would like to hear from men and women. Anyone ever stuck in a rut like me, then had an aha moment? Please share what you did to get out of that rut. Do I need to change how I think? Ladies, tell me what you did to get your man! The more details, the better. |
Anonymous
| What kind of men are you dating? Are you looking for 35-45 never marrieds? Those are hard to come by, especially if you want them to be mentally/emotionally healthy. And from that pool, getting 6’0, fit, attractive, and a $150k plus salary (adjusted for your locality) is nearly impossible. |
Anonymous
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Are you white, African American or another race? Are you looking for a man of a specific race?
Are you religious? |
Anonymous
| I was way out of his league looks wise, he was older (8 years) and we were both well educated. He happened to be at a point in life where he was looking for something more serious (he was 32 at the time). I was still young (25) and wasn't in a hurry for big life decisions but apart from that I was fairly high maintenance and never a big fan of casual relationships. We just sort of moved in and was never apart after the first few days. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think it’s a matter of you doing anything wrong, Op. |
Anonymous
| Not a magic pill but accept the real you and try to be at peace. Your experience shows there is no secret formula but I think authenticity is appealing. |
Anonymous
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Yikes.
If you are trying all these strategies, you're missing the most important strategy: be yourself. Like yourself. Pursue things that make you happy. Find things that you are passionate about and go out and do them. Nothing is sexier than a woman in love with her life. Who enjoys her brain, her body, learning new things and being interested in others. |
Anonymous
Done all that, love myself. A lot. Seriously.i enjoy myself, my life, things I have going for myself. I accept myself. I'm authentic, so I'm told. Perhaps that's what attracts the men in the first place. They truly enjoy my company and personality. The issue is having the initial attraction and fun phase translate into long term commitment. How do I get over that hurdle? That's where I struggle. |
Anonymous
OP, here's your problem, in your own words, in bold. You are in your mid-30s, but you're still dating like you did when you were 25. At this stage in your life, you cannot afford to meet a guy, date him awhile, decide you like/ love him, and then find out that he's just in it for a good time. You have to get smarter about your dating strategy and learn to cut your losses much more quickly. Quit playing games and be more upfront. You are dating to find a husband. Any new men you go out with need to know that upfront. If a guy has a trait or circumstance that you consider to be a deal-breaker, you cut him off from the start. Do not waste your time with mid-thirties plus men who are still playing around. If a man at this stage in his life can't agree with you that he's looking for marriage, you need to move on. |
Anonymous
| I'm a black woman, but people say I'm kind of ambiguous looking, and look mixed or Hispanic. |
Anonymous
Thank you PP. This is very good advice. How should I bring up to a new guy I meet, that I am dating to find a husband? Is this something I say as soon as we meet? Do I wait a few dates in, to mention it? What type of response is acceptable? I've tried this approach before. Some men have told me they're also seeking marriage, but then a few months down the road it becomes clear we aren't headed in that direction. |
Anonymous
| "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott has great advice and instructions for doing relationship inventories. It's a simple read with lots of information about why your relationships haven't worked out and what you need to work through in order to change it. I really recommend it. |
Anonymous
Well, as one who got married one week before my 40th birthday, I feel uniquely qualified to offer you advice! (And I was 37 when I met DH, so I am very familiar with the scenario you describe, although it's been awhile...) Some may advise to wait to bring up the topic of marriage many weeks/ months/ dates down the road, lest you "scare him off," but I actually think it's much easier to bring it up as soon as you meet a new man. If you're internet dating, you are probably going out with a lot of new people and the first date or two is very much a getting-to-know you. This topic should be part of your story. Where you're from, what you do for a living, a little about your family, your hobbies, blah blah blah, and yes, I've reached the point in my life where I'm looking for a serious relationship. I would really like to be married and have a family. You say it up front, put it out there initially, and go from there, where he takes the conversation. I also remember finding it helpful early on to watch and observe. Is he close to his own family? Are his siblings married, with kids? What about his friends? Is he in a stable job? Where does he live and what does his house look like? I remember going to my now DH's apartment for the first time. I looked at the furniture and immediately wondered if he lived with his grandmother. The furniture was that bad, but it was a clue that his family meant a lot to him. |
Anonymous
This is not good advice. Among all the many millions of married couples are you telling me the unmarrieds such as OP are unhappy acting? She wants a mate. OP, you sound fine, try changing up where you go and your interests a little to open up your circle. |
Anonymous
| OP I'd change the dating sites. Forget POF, Okcupid, Tinder, and bars. Get serious - eHarmony, Match, and ChristianMingle. Matchmaker as well if you have the money. |