What am I doing wrong?? My relationships never pan out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a magic pill but accept the real you and try to be at peace. Your experience shows there is no secret formula but I think authenticity is appealing.

This

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a black woman, but people say I'm kind of ambiguous looking, and look mixed or Hispanic.

That's hott.

White dude here. Now listen to me. Do whatever the Dallas cowboy cheerleader coach would make you do. I'm telling you that's what guys want. They feel like they hit the jackpot if you like them. It's really not that hard .. Plus it makes you powerful . Trust me. Don't listen to the morons that are offended by female sexual power.

[Anonymous]

I was 38 and made peace with never getting married or having kids. But at that age I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who wasn’t seriously moving towards marriage. But by making peace with it, it meant if I never met a guy who wanted something serious, I was happy walking away. I think it made me less desperate. “This is what I want and if you don’t, cool, I’m moving on”.

Told him very early on, like first couple of conversations. If that scared him off, so be it. (Although, I made it clear I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him. I didn’t know him well enough. I just wanted to marry at some point. But was cool if I never did. )

And I was the most real I’ve ever been in a relationship. I was dealing with a long term illness and didn’t have the energy to be ‘ON’ all the time.

We were married 22 months later when I was 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 38 and made peace with never getting married or having kids. But at that age I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who wasn’t seriously moving towards marriage. But by making peace with it, it meant if I never met a guy who wanted something serious, I was happy walking away. I think it made me less desperate. “This is what I want and if you don’t, cool, I’m moving on”.

Told him very early on, like first couple of conversations. If that scared him off, so be it. (Although, I made it clear I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him. I didn’t know him well enough. I just wanted to marry at some point. But was cool if I never did. )

And I was the most real I’ve ever been in a relationship. I was dealing with a long term illness and didn’t have the energy to be ‘ON’ all the time.

We were married 22 months later when I was 40.

Coolest story of the day. Love your courage and staying true to yourself.

[Anonymous]

People aren’t interchangeable pieces that can be matched up just because they are all nice, attractive, and want to get married.

For friends and for me, marriage finally came when we met guys who saw us as the women of their dreams. After years of thinking we needed to do something different, we didn’t do anything different but simply met the right person. We matched for deep psychological reasons. We had something they always wanted—family status, brains, or what have you. Something that hadn’t been so important to others we had dated. Our race was what they always wanted and not something they were tolerating. Our personalities were compatible but also had some mismatches where we were opposite and could grow.

Things progressed smoothly to marriage, and no one said they had doubts, needed space, or any of those problems that had happened in the past. We fit together as family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People aren’t interchangeable pieces that can be matched up just because they are all nice, attractive, and want to get married.

For friends and for me, marriage finally came when we met guys who saw us as the women of their dreams. After years of thinking we needed to do something different, we didn’t do anything different but simply met the right person. We matched for deep psychological reasons. We had something they always wanted—family status, brains, or what have you. Something that hadn’t been so important to others we had dated. Our race was what they always wanted and not something they were tolerating. Our personalities were compatible but also had some mismatches where we were opposite and could grow.

Things progressed smoothly to marriage, and no one said they had doubts, needed space, or any of those problems that had happened in the past. We fit together as family members.

That sounds more like what you women want, not men. I think you're kidding yourself a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 38 and made peace with never getting married or having kids. But at that age I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who wasn’t seriously moving towards marriage. But by making peace with it, it meant if I never met a guy who wanted something serious, I was happy walking away. I think it made me less desperate. “This is what I want and if you don’t, cool, I’m moving on”.

Told him very early on, like first couple of conversations. If that scared him off, so be it. (Although, I made it clear I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him. I didn’t know him well enough. I just wanted to marry at some point. But was cool if I never did. )

And I was the most real I’ve ever been in a relationship. I was dealing with a long term illness and didn’t have the energy to be ‘ON’ all the time.

We were married 22 months later when I was 40.

OP here, thank you, I love this!

I've had moments where I'm at peace with being single the rest of my life. Then I meet someone, spend lots of time together and grow to like them, but get bummed when it doesn't work out. Then I find it tougher to get back to that place of peace I was in before I met them, and was content with my fabulous singlehood.

I'm curious, how did you hand the emotional letdown of the relationships or dating that didn't pan out, before you met your husband? Did you stay emotionally unavailable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People aren’t interchangeable pieces that can be matched up just because they are all nice, attractive, and want to get married.

For friends and for me, marriage finally came when we met guys who saw us as the women of their dreams. After years of thinking we needed to do something different, we didn’t do anything different but simply met the right person. We matched for deep psychological reasons. We had something they always wanted—family status, brains, or what have you. Something that hadn’t been so important to others we had dated. Our race was what they always wanted and not something they were tolerating. Our personalities were compatible but also had some mismatches where we were opposite and could grow.

Things progressed smoothly to marriage, and no one said they had doubts, needed space, or any of those problems that had happened in the past. We fit together as family members.

I am the OP, and I appreciate this. I think you are right. This happened to a friend of mine. She was divorced with children, and a very beautiful woman. Her dating life just wasn't working out. Then someone she went to college with reconnected with her online, and she turned out to be the woman of his dreams. He adored her and her life, just the way she was, and they got married. In fact, their love inspired me to not settle for anything less than a man who absolutely adores me.

So thank you for reminding me that perhaps there is someone out there who will want and adore me just as I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a black woman, but people say I'm kind of ambiguous looking, and look mixed or Hispanic.

That's hott.

White dude here. Now listen to me. Do whatever the Dallas cowboy cheerleader coach would make you do. I'm telling you that's what guys want. They feel like they hit the jackpot if you like them. It's really not that hard .. Plus it makes you powerful . Trust me. Don't listen to the morons that are offended by female sexual power.

Oh god, it’s the moron with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders fetish again.

[Anonymous]

Lower your standards

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lower your standards

How low should OP go? Be specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your standards

How low should OP go? Be specific.

Maybe a better way of looking at it is, to identify what is *really* important to you, and focus on those things, but be willing to accept trade-offs in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your standards

How low should OP go? Be specific.

Make a command decision that an average-looking not-fat guy with a boring job who treats you with respect and adores you is worth your time.

[Anonymous]

Make a command decision that an average-looking not-fat guy with a boring job who treats you with respect and adores you is worth your time.

Not OP - I'd be cool with that, and I'm also cool with a guy who is relatively short, but I want him to be funny and enjoy some of the same hobbies and interests as me as well. Why must this be so difficult?

[Anonymous]

The Rules work, a friend I thought was so smart finally whispered for me to read them years ago.