What am I doing wrong?? My relationships never pan out

[Anonymous]

Mid 30s? Sorry. The guys wanted families have already married or, if not, are looking at younger women with a few good childbearing years left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 30s? Sorry. The guys wanted families have already married or, if not, are looking at younger women with a few good childbearing years left.

Not true.

[Anonymous]

Here is the data: http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/w/page/14422733/Why%20Men%20Marry%20Some%20Women%20And%20Not%20Others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 38 and made peace with never getting married or having kids. But at that age I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who wasn’t seriously moving towards marriage. But by making peace with it, it meant if I never met a guy who wanted something serious, I was happy walking away. I think it made me less desperate. “This is what I want and if you don’t, cool, I’m moving on”.

Told him very early on, like first couple of conversations. If that scared him off, so be it. (Although, I made it clear I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him. I didn’t know him well enough. I just wanted to marry at some point. But was cool if I never did. )

And I was the most real I’ve ever been in a relationship. I was dealing with a long term illness and didn’t have the energy to be ‘ON’ all the time.

We were married 22 months later when I was 40.

OP here, thank you, I love this!

I've had moments where I'm at peace with being single the rest of my life. Then I meet someone, spend lots of time together and grow to like them, but get bummed when it doesn't work out. Then I find it tougher to get back to that place of peace I was in before I met them, and was content with my fabulous singlehood.

I'm curious, how did you hand the emotional letdown of the relationships or dating that didn't pan out, before you met your husband? Did you stay emotionally unavailable?

Well, it had been years since I dated because of my illness. But prior to him, I’d find a good guy and work hard to make it work. Because that’s what everyone told me you had to do. With DH, it was easy. Not saying we didn’t have bumps in the beginning (he was wary of getting involved with me while I was still recovering). But I was the most emotionally available, yet not needy. I don’t quite know how to explain it. My heart was open, but if he didn’t want to see me one weekend, I was totally cool with that. And not in a “I’m going to act cool about it, but really I’m going to sit at home and fret about why you don’t want to see me”. People can feel that energy. I truly had faith that if Things didn’t work out, I’d be okay. So not seeing me this weekend wasn’t a ‘sign’ he was about to dump me. The guy was tired and just wanted to play video games with his friends. So I was accepting him for exactly who he was. He accepted me for exactly who I am. And most importantly, I accepted myself for exactly who I am.

I think the fear of opening up and being rejected makes people act in ways that can hurt budding relationships. I realize that if he rejected me 1) it would hurt really bad, but I’d survive and 2) it wasn’t about me. I wasn’t bad or damaged or any other negative thing. We just didn’t fit right. And when I see my FB feed of all my ex boyfriends, I can really see they are good guys who were wrong for me.

So the combo of just being right for each other plus both being clear I wanted to only date if we were moving towards marriage plus the acceptance that I’d be cool if I never got married plus being open, loving, accepting and fearless just lined everything up in the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was way out of his league looks wise, he was older (8 years) and we were both well educated. He happened to be at a point in life where he was looking for something more serious (he was 32 at the time). I was still young (25) and wasn't in a hurry for big life decisions but apart from that I was fairly high maintenance and never a big fan of casual relationships. We just sort of moved in and was never apart after the first few days.

Dating at 25 is easy as hell though. EVERYone is still single.

[Anonymous]

Best advice I can give:
Blow job is just an expression. You actually have to suck it.

[Anonymous]

Read "Why Men Love Bitches."

[Anonymous]

You're a black woman in ATL right? That's why you're single. It's time to move. Brothas there actually believe that there are 9 women to every one man so they date as if they have all of the time in the world. Move to another city with higher ratio of single professional men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a black woman in ATL right? That's why you're single. It's time to move. Brothas there actually believe that there are 9 women to every one man so they date as if they have all of the time in the world. Move to another city with higher ratio of single professional men.

Have a black woman friend in Atlanta. Been friends since the mid 90’s when she was in her 30’s. 20 years later she is still single. Black guys won’t get serious (or they are married and looking for a side piece). And the white guys will never want to take her to visit the family or introduce her to his kids.

Atlanta is a bad place to date for black women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Rules work, a friend I thought was so smart finally whispered for me to read them years ago.

The Rules is such an overrated book. The main premise is basically: do nothing, do not initiate conversations, do not even make eye contact with men, act disinterested, like you have somewhere better to be, seem "mysterious," and the men will "chase" you, because men chasing women is the "natural order of the universe." She also insists that women should never drive themselves to a date -- men should pick them up. This seems insane to me. What if the date goes horribly wrong? Don't you want to be able to leave independently if you need to?

It "works," only because there are men who will approach basically any woman. Some of those men are fine, but some aren't necessarily who you want. A lot of these guys tend to be PUAs who see you as a challenge to be conquered. But the author's assumption that if a man doesn't chase, he is not interested, is so utterly wrong. He may think you are out of his league, or unapproachable for some reason. Also, the book was clearly written before modern dating apps, which upend much of the conventional wisdom.

I'm not suggesting that women should go around aggressively chasing men, but being a bit more active and strategic seems more reasonable than leaving your fate up to the "natural order of the universe."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Rules work, a friend I thought was so smart finally whispered for me to read them years ago.

The Rules is such an overrated book. The main premise is basically: do nothing, do not initiate conversations, do not even make eye contact with men, act disinterested, like you have somewhere better to be, seem "mysterious," and the men will "chase" you, because men chasing women is the "natural order of the universe." She also insists that women should never drive themselves to a date -- men should pick them up. This seems insane to me. What if the date goes horribly wrong? Don't you want to be able to leave independently if you need to?

It "works," only because there are men who will approach basically any woman. Some of those men are fine, but some aren't necessarily who you want. A lot of these guys tend to be PUAs who see you as a challenge to be conquered. But the author's assumption that if a man doesn't chase, he is not interested, is so utterly wrong. He may think you are out of his league, or unapproachable for some reason. Also, the book was clearly written before modern dating apps, which upend much of the conventional wisdom.

I'm not suggesting that women should go around aggressively chasing men, but being a bit more active and strategic seems more reasonable than leaving your fate up to the "natural order of the universe."

Definitely does not advise acting disinterested! If a man doesn't have the HOTs for you there's no amount of strategy in the world that will get him to love you alone for the rest of his life. You can totally call a cab and post a super attractive photo on dating apps, then see who matches.

[Anonymous]

No way should any woman get in the car wirh a man she just met online!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way should any woman get in the car wirh a man she just met online!!

No Way!!! Even The Rules says this LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the data: http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/w/page/14422733/Why%20Men%20Marry%20Some%20Women%20And%20Not%20Others

I almost didn't read this, but decided to take the bait. I have to say that much of what is written is legit, sound advice and I'm not even interested in getting married again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Rules work, a friend I thought was so smart finally whispered for me to read them years ago.

The Rules is such an overrated book. The main premise is basically: do nothing, do not initiate conversations, do not even make eye contact with men, act disinterested, like you have somewhere better to be, seem "mysterious," and the men will "chase" you, because men chasing women is the "natural order of the universe." She also insists that women should never drive themselves to a date -- men should pick them up. This seems insane to me. What if the date goes horribly wrong? Don't you want to be able to leave independently if you need to?

It "works," only because there are men who will approach basically any woman. Some of those men are fine, but some aren't necessarily who you want. A lot of these guys tend to be PUAs who see you as a challenge to be conquered. But the author's assumption that if a man doesn't chase, he is not interested, is so utterly wrong. He may think you are out of his league, or unapproachable for some reason. Also, the book was clearly written before modern dating apps, which upend much of the conventional wisdom.

I'm not suggesting that women should go around aggressively chasing men, but being a bit more active and strategic seems more reasonable than leaving your fate up to the "natural order of the universe."

Definitely does not advise acting disinterested! If a man doesn't have the HOTs for you there's no amount of strategy in the world that will get him to love you alone for the rest of his life. You can totally call a cab and post a super attractive photo on dating apps, then see who matches.

I agree, but it's very common for a man to "have the hots" for a woman that he doesn't approach. The Rules cuts out those potential matches. And some of those non-approachers are not approaching because they are respectful or cautious, and are sensing that their approach would be unwelcome for some reason.