What am I doing wrong?? My relationships never pan out

[Anonymous]

I am not a big fan of "The Rules". I am a big fan of "He's Just Not That Into You", though, and wish I'd read it in my 20's. It might have saved me from dating a few guys who weren't that into me.

OP, maybe you're focusing so much on trying to be the perfect girlfriend for some generic guy that your actual personality isn't coming out. It's hard to want to commit to some generic person who is trying to be something they are not. What do you actually like to do? What are your actual good qualities? Put those things out there and see what happens.

I'm single at 45, so I can't give you advice from personal experience. But I can tell you that some of the weirdest people I know have found husbands. Some of the least attractive women I know have found husbands, along with some of the most attractive. Some of the dumbest people I know, along with some of the smartest. I think love can happen to anyone, but I think it helps to know who you are going into it, and I think it helps to know what kind of guy you want. (but not a rigid checklist.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Rules work, a friend I thought was so smart finally whispered for me to read them years ago.

The Rules is such an overrated book. The main premise is basically: do nothing, do not initiate conversations, do not even make eye contact with men, act disinterested, like you have somewhere better to be, seem "mysterious," and the men will "chase" you, because men chasing women is the "natural order of the universe." She also insists that women should never drive themselves to a date -- men should pick them up. This seems insane to me. What if the date goes horribly wrong? Don't you want to be able to leave independently if you need to?

It "works," only because there are men who will approach basically any woman. Some of those men are fine, but some aren't necessarily who you want. A lot of these guys tend to be PUAs who see you as a challenge to be conquered. But the author's assumption that if a man doesn't chase, he is not interested, is so utterly wrong. He may think you are out of his league, or unapproachable for some reason. Also, the book was clearly written before modern dating apps, which upend much of the conventional wisdom.

I'm not suggesting that women should go around aggressively chasing men, but being a bit more active and strategic seems more reasonable than leaving your fate up to the "natural order of the universe."

Definitely does not advise acting disinterested! If a man doesn't have the HOTs for you there's no amount of strategy in the world that will get him to love you alone for the rest of his life. You can totally call a cab and post a super attractive photo on dating apps, then see who matches.

I agree, but it's very common for a man to "have the hots" for a woman that he doesn't approach. The Rules cuts out those potential matches. And some of those non-approachers are not approaching because they are respectful or cautious, and are sensing that their approach would be unwelcome for some reason.

She's not looking for "very common". That's what she already has had, lots of relationships. In order for them to "pan out" you have to save yourself for the guy who is going to go the extra mile and jump through hoops. What OP is looking for is a fulfilling, monogamous, lasting union. That's what the Rules zero in on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was way out of his league looks wise, he was older (8 years) and we were both well educated. He happened to be at a point in life where he was looking for something more serious (he was 32 at the time). I was still young (25) and wasn't in a hurry for big life decisions but apart from that I was fairly high maintenance and never a big fan of casual relationships. We just sort of moved in and was never apart after the first few days.

You sound exhausting.