Dating 38 year old guy, found out he's in the process of surrogacy

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a guy for almost 2 months. Last night at dinner he told me that 4 months ago he started the process of single surrogacy because he wants a child and hasn't found "the one" yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have 2 kids myself from my previous marriage, we hadn't ever talked about if I wanted more kids or if he wanted kids, we were still getting to know each other.

He can't pay for the $50K costs, he is seeking some sort of financial assistance/finanacing to do this. He lives in a small 1 bedroom apartment. He has moved every year for the last 6 years to new apartments, so no steady "address". His family lives 3hrs away, so no local support. Due to his job, he works 12 hour days 3 days a week and 9 hour days the other 2.

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

[Anonymous]

38, small one bedroom, and moving every single year would have been enough for me to move on. The rest is just icing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

This. He can't pay for it?? How in the world did he get started then? There needs to be some sort of contract, I would think. Can he afford a nanny while he works those long hours? I'd guess not. Who on earth would agree to this surrogacy?

I really hope this is a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

This. He can't pay for it?? How in the world did he get started then? There needs to be some sort of contract, I would think. Can he afford a nanny while he works those long hours? I'd guess not. Who on earth would agree to this surrogacy?

I really hope this is a troll post.

This is not a troll post. He is a teacher, he has summer/holidays off, however he coaches 3 sports, so most of the school year his day starts at 7am and doesn't end until 8pm or later. He makes a fair amount of money, but doesn't have $50k set aside to pay for surrogacy. I don't believe he can pay for a private nanny during the school year and not sure if a nanny would take a job that is only 10 months. I just don't know what to think. I'm not a materialistic person, so I don't care of about money and things. I take care of my kids and myself fine. He is a very nice guy. Neat, clean, great cook, seriously, "the perfect catch" from all that I know so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

This.

Definitely!

A coworker is the female version of this guy. She’s thinking about a gofundme for IVF. No one has the guts to tell her that her situation isn’t stable enough for a child.

[Anonymous]

Run, fast as you can. If I were a puppy, I wouldn't want to live with him. (moving every year? no savings, at 38? a teacher who works with many women, unable to "the one"? )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

This. He can't pay for it?? How in the world did he get started then? There needs to be some sort of contract, I would think. Can he afford a nanny while he works those long hours? I'd guess not. Who on earth would agree to this surrogacy?

I really hope this is a troll post.

This is not a troll post. He is a teacher, he has summer/holidays off, however he coaches 3 sports, so most of the school year his day starts at 7am and doesn't end until 8pm or later. He makes a fair amount of money, but doesn't have $50k set aside to pay for surrogacy. I don't believe he can pay for a private nanny during the school year and not sure if a nanny would take a job that is only 10 months. I just don't know what to think. I'm not a materialistic person, so I don't care of about money and things. I take care of my kids and myself fine. He is a very nice guy. Neat, clean, great cook, seriously, "the perfect catch" from all that I know so far.

He's most definitely NOT the perfect catch. Run OP. Don't get caught up in this mess.

[Anonymous]

Not sure he is the perfect catch. If he were we would be snagged by now considering his strong desire to have kids. The surrocacy thing seems wierd. He is 38 he is not running out of time. If you want to help him direct him to one of those sites that connect platonic people who want to have kids together. It would save him a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

The perfect catch? Oh my.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean when you say he's started the process? Like he has begun looking into it, or he's put down a deposit, or...?

And when you say he can't pay for it - do you mean you think he can't pay for it, or he's told you he can't afford to do this but is doing it anyway? Do you get the sense he is looking for help from YOU - is that part of what's going on?

I'm not sure if his living situation means he's a bad match for you, but it does sound like it's giving you pause. Do you like him enough to keep seeing him even with your reservations? Do you think you might want to have a child with this person? If the answer to that last question is no, then this seems like a simple situation - you are just not at compatible places in life, and cut ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure he is the perfect catch. If he were we would be snagged by now considering his strong desire to have kids. The surrocacy thing seems wierd. He is 38 he is not running out of time. If you want to help him direct him to one of those sites that connect platonic people who want to have kids together. It would save him a lot of money.

I doubt he was in a hurry to have children until recently.

Though, I just reread the first post and I do agree that his reasoning is a little unconvincing. I understand that 38 a year old male, who wants kids, might be hearing the "clock ticking" a bit. But it's not the same as being a 38 year old woman. He can realistically have kids for years to come, so I don't understand his motivation. Is he feeling some kind of pressure to have children "before 40"?

[Anonymous]

He’s hoping a wife will materialize to help him with the baby.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the guy.

I think we would be far, far more forgiving of a woman who was in his position.

By "started the process" does that mean a baby EXISTS in utero? Or he just started picking out a surrogate? This might be his way of gently (but not so gently) trying to say that he very much wants his own children, and soon. Perhaps he is also clicking with you as much as you were with him, and he is trying to accelerate things.