Dating 38 year old guy, found out he's in the process of surrogacy

[Anonymous]

Also, remember how clueless people who don't have kids are about having kids; they think it's all snuggles and sunshine. They have NO IDEA how hard it is. So he's just as clueless as (many) other young couples are before they have their first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he's started the process? Like he has begun looking into it, or he's put down a deposit, or...?

And when you say he can't pay for it - do you mean you think he can't pay for it, or he's told you he can't afford to do this but is doing it anyway? Do you get the sense he is looking for help from YOU - is that part of what's going on?

I'm not sure if his living situation means he's a bad match for you, but it does sound like it's giving you pause. Do you like him enough to keep seeing him even with your reservations? Do you think you might want to have a child with this person? If the answer to that last question is no, then this seems like a simple situation - you are just not at compatible places in life, and cut ties.

He has been interviewing surrogacy agencies, learning about donor eggs, applied for some sort of "single male" financial assistance program (not sure what this is), he will then apply for a personal loan to pay the remaining amount. This is stuff he told me last night. He is implying that he is looking at me for a donor/surrogate, he said that he just wants me to know that he is pursuing this. He said that before the end of the year he will have put down the deposit, and will be signing contracts to move forward with this process. He said that he's always wanted to be a father, and it hasn't happened so far, so he is pursuing this avenue now. I guess he looked into adoption first, but was advised by several adoption agencies that as a single male he was not a valid candidate.

When I google "single male surrogacy programs and financial assistance" the top links that come up are for LGBT. Which gives me more thoughts.

Just not sure what to think. I really like him. He is great. It's nice to date a guy with no relationship "baggage" (no exes, no kids/custody issues).

[Anonymous]

Putting the surrogacy thing aside, this guy lacks the financial stability you expect of an adult. Therefore, he isn't equipped to be a good partner.

Run, do not walk, away. Nothing good will come from it.

[Anonymous]

I would not be turned off, at all. On the contrary, if you think you could get serious with him, I would consider having a conversation with him about kids. Do you want another one? What would that look like? Etc. Tell him you didn't think you'd be having this conversation this soon but the surrogacy thing is forcing the issue.

I think he's just a guy who wants a family, and I don't see why that's a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting the surrogacy thing aside, this guy lacks the financial stability you expect of an adult. Therefore, he isn't equipped to be a good partner.

Run, do not walk, away. Nothing good will come from it.

Did I miss the part where she said he lacks financial stability? The guys a teacher. Being a teacher is a super important and admirable job. He just doesn't have 50K to spend on a surrogate. That's not the same as being financial unstable. I know it's not DCUM kind of money, but jeez.

[Anonymous]

He sounds unstable and prone to impulsive decisions and as nice as he might be that's not someone you want as a partner or a stepparent for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds unstable and prone to impulsive decisions and as nice as he might be that's not someone you want as a partner or a stepparent for your kids.

I hope this is a troll.

Nothing about a man wanting a child on his own is "unstable" or "impulsive."

I might want some explanation about why he moved frequently, but again, really not a deal breaker. Not a big deal for a single man to move every year if he wants to.

Jeez.

[Anonymous]

He gets a new apartment every year? Really? have you looked into just how long he's actually been at his job?

My gut says: He plans to take your money and move away. You will never find him or see your money again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds unstable and prone to impulsive decisions and as nice as he might be that's not someone you want as a partner or a stepparent for your kids.

I hope this is a troll.

Nothing about a man wanting a child on his own is "unstable" or "impulsive."

I might want some explanation about why he moved frequently, but again, really not a deal breaker. Not a big deal for a single man to move every year if he wants to.

Jeez.

Put own your SJW sword and shied and read dingbat, a near 40 year old that is jumping around from house to house, has no savings and then decides to jump into surrogacy is not a stable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets a new apartment every year? Really? have you looked into just how long he's actually been at his job?

My gut says: He plans to take your money and move away. You will never find him or see your money again.

OP, if YOUR gut says he's going to "take your money and move away," then you should definitely run.

But I'm assuming you're a normal person and you will also do normal things in the course of your relationship (meet friends, meet family, etc) that will make it clear he's not a man on the run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets a new apartment every year? Really? have you looked into just how long he's actually been at his job?

My gut says: He plans to take your money and move away. You will never find him or see your money again.

Yeah. This would give me pause. This would make me suspect he lacks financial stability not just to have a child but to be in a relationship with a woman with 2 kids. At 38, he should have bought his first home or be close to it. Instead, he's moving every year. Why?

[Anonymous]

He wants to have a kid. Are you willing to have another kid? Do you see the potential to have a kid with him if the relationship continues to go well? If so, tell him and see if he will wait to see where your relationship goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He gets a new apartment every year? Really? have you looked into just how long he's actually been at his job?

My gut says: He plans to take your money and move away. You will never find him or see your money again.

Yeah. This would give me pause. This would make me suspect he lacks financial stability not just to have a child but to be in a relationship with a woman with 2 kids. At 38, he should have bought his first home or be close to it. Instead, he's moving every year. Why?

I wouldn't care if he was a renter lots of folks don't buy until they have a family. I'd be wondering why he needed to move so often. Most renters if they find a good relationship with landlord and rates will stay a long while, The fact that he is moving so frequently makes me wonder how he is as tenant. Does he pay bills on time? Is he a crap neighbor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure what to think. What would bring a 38 year old never married, never had kids man to surrogacy on his own. What are the odds of this going through as a single male parent.

The same things that lead a 38 year old never married, never had kids female to look into sperm banks. A desire to become a parent.

That part isn't a red flag for me. The finances/address issue is.

A 38-year-old woman would presumably be motivated by her age, and the prospect of her fertility declining prior to finding the right man to settle down with. A 38-year-old man just needs to find a slightly younger woman to settle down with. The fact that this guy is only 38, but has already jumped to surrogacy rather than focusing on finding a woman to have children with...that is odd.

Either this is a gay guy stringing OP along in order to use her as a surrogate, or he's a scammer who is trying to get OP's money.

[Anonymous]

I hope he doesn't get a baby. Run, OP.