Dating 38 year old guy, found out he's in the process of surrogacy

[Anonymous]

He turned to surrogacy because he’s not a viable candidate for adoption.

I know a number of single male teachers (mostly AA men) who foster adopted. They made enough $, could pass the background checks easily, and were quickly matched with kids ranging from infancy through early teen years.

Something is wrong with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he's started the process? Like he has begun looking into it, or he's put down a deposit, or...?

And when you say he can't pay for it - do you mean you think he can't pay for it, or he's told you he can't afford to do this but is doing it anyway? Do you get the sense he is looking for help from YOU - is that part of what's going on?

I'm not sure if his living situation means he's a bad match for you, but it does sound like it's giving you pause. Do you like him enough to keep seeing him even with your reservations? Do you think you might want to have a child with this person? If the answer to that last question is no, then this seems like a simple situation - you are just not at compatible places in life, and cut ties.

He has been interviewing surrogacy agencies, learning about donor eggs, applied for some sort of "single male" financial assistance program (not sure what this is), he will then apply for a personal loan to pay the remaining amount. This is stuff he told me last night. He is implying that he is looking at me for a donor/surrogate, he said that he just wants me to know that he is pursuing this. He said that before the end of the year he will have put down the deposit, and will be signing contracts to move forward with this process. He said that he's always wanted to be a father, and it hasn't happened so far, so he is pursuing this avenue now. I guess he looked into adoption first, but was advised by several adoption agencies that as a single male he was not a valid candidate.

When I google "single male surrogacy programs and financial assistance" the top links that come up are for LGBT. Which gives me more thoughts.

Just not sure what to think. I really like him. He is great. It's nice to date a guy with no relationship "baggage" (no exes, no kids/custody issues).

Has he had any serious relationships?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but how does would “surrogacy” work for a signed man? Really. Don’t have the imagination to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand - if you replace "man" with "woman" in OP's post, you all would be praising a 38 year old single woman for trying to have a baby on her own. Hypocrites.

Huge differences biologically between a 38 yr old man and a 38 yr old woman. The latter is and should be desperate - she's literally in the last few years of fertility, if she even still is. A man? Generally not at all. Nothing hypocritical about it. OP's date certainly is odd.

+1. A man has, essentially, his entire life to father kids. His clock is not ticking.

I can see the rush for other reasons mybe his parents are ill or ageing and he wants the chance to give them a grandchild before the die.

It's not so much his desire for kids that is the red flag for me. In ddition to what seems to be a lack of financial stability I'd wonder why no other woman has snatched him up. He's a nice guy, with a good career, that wants kids there are literally 100s of women who are looking for that so why hasn't he been able to find that or commit to someone?

Couldn't you ask this same question about basically any single person? There is a reason why literally every single person is single. Couldn't the same question also apply to OP as well. Glass houses?

[Anonymous]

The moving every year thing could be nothing. Lots of fancy buildings offer a first year rate and lots of discounts to get people in. Then they raise the rent. If you don’t have a lot of stuff, which a single guy might not, then it might be cheaper to move then pay the rent increase.
Surrogacy costs 100,000 or more. He will need to do donor eggs and that increases the price, too. It is not unbelievable that a financially stable and totally appropriate adult who pays bills on time might not have 100k just sitting there. i don’t.
The best advice is to have a serious adult conversation with him. Also just because the common results are for LGBT sites, which makes total sense, does not mean that he is hiding a tendency or is secretly gay. It is just less common for single men to go this route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but how does would “surrogacy” work for a signed man? Really. Don’t have the imagination to figure it out.

Some male celebs have done this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but how does would “surrogacy” work for a signed man? Really. Don’t have the imagination to figure it out.

Some male celebs have done this.

If he was a wealthy gay guy, I get it. I don't understand why a 38 year old straight man wants to do this. Most young men are overwhelmed by the notion of having to raise children *with a partner*. It seems bizarre to me that he wants to do this by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand - if you replace "man" with "woman" in OP's post, you all would be praising a 38 year old single woman for trying to have a baby on her own. Hypocrites.

Huge differences biologically between a 38 yr old man and a 38 yr old woman. The latter is and should be desperate - she's literally in the last few years of fertility, if she even still is. A man? Generally not at all. Nothing hypocritical about it. OP's date certainly is odd.

+1. A man has, essentially, his entire life to father kids. His clock is not ticking.

I can see the rush for other reasons mybe his parents are ill or ageing and he wants the chance to give them a grandchild before the die.

It's not so much his desire for kids that is the red flag for me. In ddition to what seems to be a lack of financial stability I'd wonder why no other woman has snatched him up. He's a nice guy, with a good career, that wants kids there are literally 100s of women who are looking for that so why hasn't he been able to find that or commit to someone?

Couldn't you ask this same question about basically any single person? There is a reason why literally every single person is single. Couldn't the same question also apply to OP as well. Glass houses?

Yes. Some of those reasons are good and some of them not so good. So you ask and find out and hopefully don't marry the emotional abuser, the person with out of control debt, the alcoholic.

If you bothered to read the OP instead of jumping in with your poor persecuted male spiel you would realise that the OP was married at some point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but how does would “surrogacy” work for a signed man? Really. Don’t have the imagination to figure it out.

Some male celebs have done this.

If he was a wealthy gay guy, I get it. I don't understand why a 38 year old straight man wants to do this. Most young men are overwhelmed by the notion of having to raise children *with a partner*. It seems bizarre to me that he wants to do this by himself.

The strange part is that he is doing this while still trying to date. Most people who go the single surrogate route have given up on relationships.

[Anonymous]

I just feel really sorry for the prospective baby. Losing a mom is tragic; not having a mom because some dumbass wants to have a baby toy is double tragic.

[Anonymous]

Completely concur with the beginning of dateline likeness. Or like the beginning of the dirty john podcast. C'mon!

[Anonymous]

I think he is gay. Did you have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely concur with the beginning of dateline likeness. Or like the beginning of the dirty john podcast. C'mon!

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but how does would “surrogacy” work for a signed man? Really. Don’t have the imagination to figure it out.

Some male celebs have done this.

If he was a wealthy gay guy, I get it. I don't understand why a 38 year old straight man wants to do this. Most young men are overwhelmed by the notion of having to raise children *with a partner*. It seems bizarre to me that he wants to do this by himself.

38 isn’t young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but how does would “surrogacy” work for a signed man? Really. Don’t have the imagination to figure it out.

Some male celebs have done this.

If he was a wealthy gay guy, I get it. I don't understand why a 38 year old straight man wants to do this. Most young men are overwhelmed by the notion of having to raise children *with a partner*. It seems bizarre to me that he wants to do this by himself.

38 isn’t young.

No one said it was.